Simply Unpredictabilities

I got a new pen!

2012-01-24T08:57:00.004-05:00

And, it's Social Media related, so I thought I'd share it with you.

Isn't it so cute?

When you hit the button, the saying changes. They say:

Company posts need company approval.
Keep business & personal posts separate.
Protect privacy: yours and others.
Follow company policies.
Social Media: think before you post.
Don't post confidential information.

Wow -- really? People have to be reminded of that?

But, my pen here at work ran out of ink, so I needed a new one. Nice temporary one!

(Notice how I managed to keep all of The Company's logos out of the picture by strategically taking the shot? :D)

Happy End of the World Day!

2011-10-21T22:00:00.000-04:00

I am bad.

I sent Office Boyfriend an email reminding him today is the recalculated end of the world (from familyradio.com since they got May 21 wrong).

He replied "I can't respond right now, too busy ascending havenward. So long, sucker!"

So I replied "So THAT'S the reason I won't be ascending!"

(You'll get it later if you don't get it now)

Damn Debbies

2011-09-17T22:12:00.003-04:00

I hate Debbies.

I hate them with a passion!

You see, I went to see The Lion King 3D this evening at my local AMC Theater. It's my favoritest movie in the whole wide world. It's the ONLY movie I've ever paid to see in theaters after I owned it on video.. and now TWICE!

Anyways, I go to the theater and understand that there's going to be children there. It IS a Disney movie, afterall [even though I went to the 8pm showing expecting it to be past most of their bedtimes, but I digress]. I'm "OK" with the occasional chatter of a child when I'm at a Disney movie. I understand that they don't always know better, but sometimes their parents want to see a movie as much as they think the kids do.

Anyways, this group of three Debbies came in to the theater... loud and obnoxious, and wanted to turn the movie into a sing-along. A F'N SING-ALONG! AND THEY WERE MORE TONE DEAF THAN I AM! [Note, if you don't know my voice, it's a cross between William Hung and the Ken Lee girl]. Now, mind you, these were either high school or college aged Debbies. Old enough to know better, but obviously not old enough to appreciate things.

Now, let's think about this. The price of a ticket is $11. Add $4 for the 3D glasses. I was talked into the $12 Stubs program. And I bought $11.50 worth of concessions. So, that's $38.50. I could sit in the cheap seats at the Fox Theater of a live show for that price. But, I digress.

So, these Debbies were talking through half the movie, and singing along, and jumping about. Completely disturbing the enjoyment of the movie. And, at the end, they decide to squeal!

While I understand that everyone sitting in that theater probably has seen the movie before, and some of us can quote it line for line, there's a simple appreciation for a film being able to see it on the big screen. Especially at the prices movies have gotten to be.

I partially blame AMC Theaters for this. While they can't screen every patron that comes through their doors to ensure the movie experience will be enjoyable for everyone, they CAN have their ushers "patrol" the theaters to ensure people are being quiet [it wouldn't have been polite to other patrons for me to yell across the theater to demand they shut up, especially in front of children*]. Apparently the "Please be courteous to others" segment before movies isn't doing enough.

And, for that matter, opening your cell phone to look at the time or check messages, or whatever you do should get you banned from theaters.

So, AMC, please patrol your theaters during showings. At these ticket prices, I'm sure you can afford to hire someone to sit in the theater to keep people quiet. It should not be up to a patron to exit a movie, spend time to find someone who works there to correct the problem. You MISS pieces of the movie that way.

Kinda makes me wish I lived near the Alamo Drafthouse:

*Yes, I understand that I don't normally think of things like this, but I DO TRY not to be a bad influence on children.

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

2011-08-05T13:22:00.002-04:00

WARNING!
WARNING!
THIS POST IS MORE OFFENSIVE THAN NORMAL
WARNING!
WARNING!

So, we were doing our regular lunch routine.

Office Boyfriend, Other Gay, and I were watching Family Feud in the break room while we ate our Subway sandwiches.

And a Smucker's commercial came on.

And, Office Boyfriend innocently asked, "What's the difference between jelly and jam?"

I covered my mouth instantly. For good reason -- other people were in the break room.

When it cleared, OB & OG wanted to know what I stopped in my tracks for.

I innocently said, "You can't jelly your cock up someone's ass."

The sheer looks of horror....

Then, I had to explain that it was a joke on How I Met Your Mother that Barney said that offended Lilly so bad she stayed away for like five episodes (while Alyson Hannigan was preggers)

Still more McDonald's

2011-05-29T19:11:00.003-04:00

So, after the response from the General Manager of the local McDonald's, went back (not with my "free meal letter", rather as a regular customer) to see if anything has change.

After my experience, I replied to the GM with this:

Ms. General Manager,

I would like to let you know I revisited the 1305 Powers Ferry Rd McDonald's location again today by way of the drive through. My visit was in the heart of the "dinner service" at 6pm. There was no line in the drive through. Below are my reactions (as a continuation of my previous feedback through McDonalds.com):

- I ordered a Mickey D's Sweet Tea as my beverage with the hopes the "automated beverage machine" wouldn't underfill my beverage. Again, my beverage was underfilled -- almost 1/2" below the "fill line" inside the cup.

- The ice in my beverage was filled as if the Sweet Tea was freshly brewed. This made me feel more cheated out of my beverage as I was able to refill the cup full of ice with my 16.9oz bottle of water and it filled higher than when the cup of Mickey D's Sweet Tea was presented to me. So, I got less than half the amount than the advertised 32oz.

- My fries were cold and tasted stale (I live 1.4 miles / 4 minutes from the location. Not enough time for them to get stale OR cold)

- My quarter pounder with cheese was equally cold and stale tasting.

Please do not feel I'm singling out this McDonald's location in my complaint. I receive similar customer service at most McDonald's locations I visit. This is weird to me as Chick-Fil-A is my fast food restaurant of choice. They don't have automated machines to fill beverages. They don't have pre-cooked foods sitting in containers for who knows how long. They don't have "self-serve" machines for their beverages. Chick-Fil-A employees handle everything on the food/beverage side of the customer experience. I RARELY wait longer than 2-3 minutes after placing my order before my food is in hand. And the times I do, there's a restaurant full of people, so it's expected it could happen. And, no matter how slow the Chick-Fil-A location is, my food always makes it home HOT -- and I am more than twice as far away from the nearest Chick-Fil-A as I am from the Powers Ferry McDonald's.

Unfortunately, the McDonald's philosophy seems to be the opposite - get machines to greet you at the drive through; Get machines to dispense beverages (poorly); Let food set until it's cold and still serve it; Make the customer fill their own beverage when dining in; Have extended wait times when there shouldn't be. Taking the "service" part out of "Customer Service"

So, why is it I have 110% satisfaction at Chick-Fil-A, yet have a significantly lower satisfaction at a restaurant that has so many "efficiencies" in place? (And how are they "efficiencies" when I've seen Chick-Fil-A serve more customers per register during a busy lunch rush than McDonald's) There are many items on the McDonald's menu I enjoy, but am reluctant to enjoy them due to the experiences at McDonald's in general.

Thanks,

Smply

Seriously -- I know I love Jesus Chicken even though I'm supposedly not allowed to (I don't support the previous link), and I eat there WAY too much (a friend of mine says I'm there "more than any church-goer [he] knows"). But, the reason I go back is because their customer service ROCKS! And their food tastes AWESOME! You're not treated like another dollar that needs to be ensured via food cost. The problem is Jesus Chicken isn't open on Sundays (a philosophy I'm not completely against).

Why can't other places be like that?

I got ANOTHER response

2011-05-25T14:32:00.002-04:00

Ignoring my repeated previous responses, I got yet another response from McDonald's.

This is still kinda form-lettered, but a little more tailored.

Dear Mr. Unprdctble:

Thank you for taking the time to share your recent experience at the McDonald’s located at 1305 Powers Ferry Road, Marietta, GA. As the General Manager of this restaurant, I apologize that you were not satisfied with your recent visit.

Our goal is 100-percent customer satisfaction and my team works hard to deliver fast, friendly, and accurate service to guarantee that each visit you make is a pleasant one. I’m sorry that you encountered slow service in the Drive-Thru and that your soda was under-filled.

Please be assured that your comment serves as a valuable reminder that our customers are our number one priority. I have shared your experience with my team. If you have any further problems please don’t hesitate to call me.

Please give me a call at your convenience to discuss your visit or accept our apology and stop back by with this letter for a free meal.

Sincerely,

General Manager's Name
General Manager
Powers Ferry Road McDonald’s
(770) XXX-XXXX

Note the underlining! It really was underlined there in what was sent!

Now, should I call or not? And if so, what should I say other than "Dude! You need to actually fill cups!"?

I got a response!

2011-05-20T15:18:00.003-04:00

So, I got a response from my complaint to McDonald's.

On May 18, I got the following:

Hello Smply:

I want to thank you for taking the time to share your recent experience at the McDonald's in Marietta, GA with me. Your feedback is very important to us as it allows us to better understand how we can improve our service to you.

I am sorry for your dissatisfaction with the portion size of the drinks and for the slow service you received. Please be assured that we want to provide you with an exceptional experience every time you visit us. From your email, it is clear we did not meet your expectations. Again, I am truly sorry we disappointed you.

I want you to know that I have already taken action on your feedback. After reading your email, I immediately shared the information you brought to our attention with the local franchise owner of the restaurant you visited. Additionally, I notified our regional McDonald's consultant who works with this owner for follow-up in the restaurant and appropriate corrective action.

Again, Smply, thank you for sharing your feedback. We appreciate your business and we hope to have the pleasure of serving you soon.

Ashley
McDonald's Customer Response Center

What's funny is I got the exact same form letter on May 19.

I doubt anything will be done, but peeps said they wanted to know if I got a response.

My letter to McDonald's

2011-05-15T10:52:00.003-04:00

I had a pretty wrong experience at my local McDonald's. So bad that I decided to write a letter, which I'm sharing with you.

Today, I was embarrassed for my local McDonald's.

Today, I visited the McDonald's on Powers Ferry just south of Delk. I spent two or three minutes waiting to decide when another customer told me about the 2 for $2.50 Egg McMuffins. So, I made my purchase of 2 Egg McMuffins, a pair of hashbrowns, and a large soda at 9:47am.

During the time I was waiting for my food, three customers complained about the orange juice filling an inch below the cup lid. The employee's response was always "That's for room in case you want ice." Seriously, who wants ice in their orange juice? I say charge an extra nickel and fill it -- and if someone wants ice in their OJ, it becomes their loss of volume and a few cents in McD's pockets. (This is not my first complaint about this as when I order through the drive through, my soda is always an inch from the top -- and it has ice in it)

I digress -- I continued waiting for my food. Eventually, people who ordered as I walked in had finished eating their meals and left. In the end, it took thirteen minutes from the time I ordered to the time I got my food. Thirteen minutes to get something off the menu labeled a "Number One." That is beyond ridiculous for a "fast food" restaurant when there was only one order in front of mine.

We won!

2011-02-16T13:30:00.003-05:00

So, The Company had some "Heart Healthy" photo contest where "you and up to 6 of your coworkers" can enter a photo. Something about red and heart healthy is the theme.

Our Fearless Leader suggested it at our team meeting (prior to my Jury Duty) and suggested we all wear red that Friday (since it was "Wear Red For Heart Healthy Friday" anyways) and we would take some sort of picture.

Office Boyfriend suggested we organize ourselves in the shape of a heart. As in the shape in a deck of cards, not the organ. I wonder how they decided that the two were the same... but, I digress.

So Friday came and we were one short as SOMEONE decided to be out sick [or was his son sick? I don't recall]. So, Other Gay was asked to join us. Zebra Girl was also asked to join us somehow. I don't recall how, but it caused us to have to rethink our positioning for the shape.

We decided to do our photo shoot on the 4th floor with the camera person looking over the balcony of the 5th floor. Office Boyfriend gets us in position from overhead, and we take a few photos.

When we look at them, Office Boyfriend's burgundy ["not red"] shirt stuck out like a sore thumb. And we weren't quite a perfect heart shape. So we decided to reshoot that afternoon.

Knowing what we were aiming for, we went back downstairs and got a few more pictures.

Office Boyfriend's shirt still stuck out, but the shape came out more awesome! So, Fearless Leader's husband photoshopped the shirt to be red and this is what we submitted:

No, we don't all look like that, but I wasn't about to post anyone's face without their permission. And, in order to get permission, I'd have to divulge I have a blog, and I'm not about to let any of my coworkers know where it exists. but, in case you were wondering, clockwise around we have:

Me
Fearless Leader
Someone without a nickname
Other Gay
Someone else without a nickname
Office Boyfriend
Zebra Girl

After we decided we'd submit that, I pointed out we were even more symmetrical with the boy/girl on each side (and even symmetrical when it comes to sexuality, but that's besides the point). So, symmetry makes things more perfect!

We got a notice yesterday that WE WON!

I'm hoping we won fairly and not by default by being the only people who submitted a photo. But, either way, we EACH got a $100 gift card to our little discount store we have here at The Company!

Heh heh -- I said "duty"

2011-02-11T20:03:00.002-05:00

So, I had jury duty this week. But, it's actually a lot more interesting than that!

Now, it's been 15 years since I turned 18.

The first time I got a jury duty summons, I was in college. No vehicle. So I had to take a bus from Boston out to Western Mass. After I got there, I called the number that they tell you to call the night before. Apparently my pool wasn't selected to attend, so I had officially fulfilled my jury duty requirement. I took a bus back the next day. Why didn't I wait to take the bus until after I called? Because it's basically a 4+ hour excursion to go from campus to Harvard Square to South Station and wait for a bus to head to Springfield then to Northampton. I wouldn't have made it.

The second time I got a jury duty summons I was moving from Dekalb County to Cobb County. I didn't have to serve.

Then, in January I got my summons for Cobb County.

Crap. I can't just up and move to get out of it. I decided to not put off the pain even though it was a bad time (the random follow-up time would have been just as inconvenient, most likely). So, I suck it up.

Apparently I didn't read it right (or ignored it Mother told me when she said I had told her before) but the night or two before I learned it wasn't jury duty for one day... it was jury duty for ONE WEEK!

Yes, kids -- ONE WEEK!

I thought being out of work for a day was going to be bad, but the potential of being out for a week is ridiculous.

But, I suck it up.

I showed up Monday at 8:30, as ordered. I check in. I sit down and am waiting for whatever is supposed to happen.

The Judge shows up and gives the opening statements greeting us and telling us how awesome we are just by being there. It sounds like BS, but it also sounds about as legit, so I figure it's fine. I mean, "just by being [t]here, we're making justice happen!"

During these statements, I look over to the opposite side and see someone who looks familiar.

Very familiar. WORK FAMILIAR! But I can't get a name for the life of me (It happens before 9:30). But I'm in luck! They're going to be displaying which jury pool we're in on the screens, so I can find the name that way!

The names are going by real quickly, then I see her name! I couldn't remember my boss's boss's name. (Well, technically my boss's boss's boss, but that's splitting hairs). I've met her in a few meet and greets, but seriously didn't think she'd remember me.

So I see her trying to look for her name on the board. I go to her and tell her she's in pool 10. She looks at me and pretty much knows who I am (although I don't know if she had a name or not... later she said my name, but I don't know if she went to ask people who I am through emails or happened to see it on my jury duty summons or if she's really that good). And we're talking. And I said "What are the chances of two of us from The Company being in jury duty together?"

She said "Three. So-and-so from Tax is over there."

So, we all create a little click together and talk and network the first morning. Talking about everything from Glee to kids and on.

10:00 comes and we're told if we parked at the library, we should go get our vehicles at lunch and move them to the closer parking lot (guess what, that's me.. also boss's boss). We really didn't feel like doing all that...

11:00 comes and we're informed pools 1-4 are allowed to go to lunch until 1:30, but the rest of us must stay.

11:30 comes and the rest of us are told we can go to lunch. I asked if we HAD to move our vehicles, and jury duty lady said we didn't, but she suggested it because there won't be transportation back.

My boss's boss asks us where we want to go. We really don't care, as long as we get out of the courthouse. We manage to find Shillings on the Square. And let me tell you it was GOOD!

In the middle of lunch, she starts asking random work things. I joke, "If we're going to talk work, we need to expense lunch." -- she replied "I was already planning on buying lunch." -- I was like "You don't have to do that, but thanks!"

So, it was an even cooler lunch as I got to talk. And, in the middle of eating, we somehow got to talking about tickets and stuff. I asked if The Company had box seats to non-sporting events and she said they do. So, I half-jokingly asked if I could have NKOTBSB tickets when they're in town. She said if nobody else wants them, I can have them. SCORE! That means I hafta remember in June to remind her of her promise! :)

We get back to the courthouse and start to settle in. Then we decide to quickly run to get coffee (chai in my case) to get a little caffeine to wake up. Then we sit and wait... and wait.. and wait...

Finally, about 2:30, the jury duty leader lady comes in and says "Thanks to y'all being here, we moved through 27 cases! So, your being here helped justice happen." -- then told us everyone but pools 1-4 can go home. WOOHOO! I'm in 7!

So, we pack up and head downstairs. Then we realize we don't know the most efficient route to the library. So we ask a bailiff how to get back. He goes and calls someone to give us a ride. NOT what we expected, but thank you! On the way back we get to the library and my reaction was "That's the distance? You're KIDDING me. We could have WALKED that in the time it took you to get the van!"

We were told to call back the jury voicemail line after 6pm to hear our instructions for Tuesday. So, I did and found out we were due to be there for 9:30 the next day.

A little later that evening, I got an email from my boss's boss saying "Yep.. see you in the morning!" -- then she emailed me asking if my license plate was something. I told her it was, but was kinda confused a little.

The following morning, we met up in the courtroom. Started chit-chatting and stuff. She brought up that I caused a song to get stuck in her head thanks to my license plate. I kinda giggled. This is also when I pointed out that not only were there three of us from The Company together, but I work on the 14th floor of the SE tower, Tax-Person works on the 14th floor of the SW tower, and Boss's Boss works on the 14th floor of the N tower. That's all three towers and 14th floor. How much more coincidence can you get?

About 9:45, jury pools 1, 2, and 3 were called back (and a couple additional people because I guess the pools were incomplete?). One of the poor people did not seem like he was all the way there. I mean, he was carrying a couple Publix plastic bags full of bunched up clothes. Kinda like I do when I go visit fambly... throw my dirty clothes in bags... But, I digress... I wasn't on the pool.

This is when I did math. There were 120 of us in the room (although there's usually more it seems, but we'll take that number). Multiply that by $25/day. 5 days a week. 50 weeks a year. That's $780,000/year of our taxpayer money (unless they come from court fees, but still!)

About 10:45 or so, jury coordinator lady comes in and says "I have good news..."

Everyone starts grumbling and groaning, so I proclaim "WOOHOO!!!!!" causing peeps to kinda giggle and lighten the mood.

Jury coordinator lady says "Because you were here, the two cases we've kept you here for were taken care of, so you can go home! One was a really messy divorce and they decided on a bench trial, and the other was a 15-count child abuse case, and they took a plea. And, since justice has been taken care of, you're free to go!"

In our little click, we said it would have been fun to be on the divorce case, but if any of us was on the child abuse case, the person would have FRIED!

So, we left. Had great conversations with boss's boss on the way to our cars and she's actually a VERY COOL person! I like her!

6pm Tuesday I called and we were told we didn't have to come in Wednesday. So I got to go to work. Yay!

6pm Wednesday, I called and we were told we didn't have to return the remainder of the week.

So, my jury duty was a lot of sitting around, but I did get to network some, so it was all cool. And I can't wait to see NKOTBSB! Who wants to go with?

My experience with the BBB

2011-02-01T13:13:00.003-05:00

First, I apologize to my four readers that I haven't been posting in a LONG time. It's been mostly an uneventful period. A few minorly exciting things happened, but nothing noteworthy for the four of you (Unless you count getting a Jury Duty summons).

That being said, I had my first experience with the BBB!

Here's the story.

Back in December, I ordered something off one of the online deal sites I frequent. I used Paypal as my payment method as I had money there. It was a whopping $11.44. But, I never got an order number, nor did I get the item I ordered.

So, after 30 days, I emailed them. I got no response.

Then Snowpocalypse happened [oh yeah, something exciting DID happen.. We became Hothlanta!... here's some pictures!], and there was no mail (or deliveries of ANY kind as you can see), so I gave a few more days.

Then I tried several forms of contact and absolutely nothing.

I decided to do the resolution system in Paypal. But, alas, it was just over the 45-day limit, so they wouldn't refund me my money. Darn Snowpocalypse!

So, this past Saturday, I went to the BBB online. I registered the following complaint:

I placed an order with on Dec 10 at 10:13am via their PayPal checkout system. The PayPal transaction ID is . I have not received the item I ordered, and my numerous attempts to contact for an order status have gone unanswered.

I got a standard automated reply saying "We'll look into it, but it will take several days".

Monday at 3:07pm, I got the following email:

Dear Smply Unprdctble:

This message is in regard to your complaint submitted on 1/29/2011 10:22:39 AM against . Your complaint was assigned ID .

Your complaint has been sent to the business for their response. The entire complaint process can take four to six weeks from the time we receive your complaint. Once they have responded to the BBB, we will contact you again. During the complaint process the company may try to contact you personally to clarify information or try to resolve the complaint. We encourage you to be open to their correspondence or attempt to resolve the claim. We ask that you advise us in writing by email, fax or mail if your claim is settled directly with the company.

Regards,

Person Named
The Better Business Bureau

Then, Monday at 3:51pm I got my $11.44 refunded!

This morning, I got the following from the BBB:

Dear Smply Unprdctble :

This message is in regard to your complaint submitted on 1/29/2011 10:22:39 AM against . Your complaint was assigned ID .

The business has sent the BBB a message regarding this complaint, and we are passing it on to you. The contents of this message are below or attached. Please respond to this message at your first convenience.

Regards,

Person Named
The Better Business Bureau

MESSAGE FROM BUSINESS:

I do apologize for this issue. I looked over all communication and could not locate any emails from Mr. Unprdctble. I also looked into his order and indeed there was a payment but a Paypal notification was never received so an order was never generated. I have issued a full refund back to his account and do apologize for the inconvenience.

I think it's pretty cool that it was resolved quickly. I didn't WANT to get the BBB involved, but I do have copies of several emails, including one that went through their site. If they can't find those communications, something's wrong.

That being said, I'm probably going to continue to make purchases through them. I may have to go back to the standard credit card order instead of going through Paypal (unless I remember to file a complaint within the 45 days).

Two stories with the word "smuggled" in it

2010-11-29T11:48:00.003-05:00

Saturday, I'm sitting up in the living room watching something (Glee? Hannah Montana? Wizards of Waverly Place? Phineas and Ferb? Something) and all of a sudden, Bradley starts barking up a storm.

It was the kind of barking he does when he sees Lawn Boy working back there and he can't get out there to play.

I peeked out the back to see if someone smuggled into my back yard. Alas, I saw nobody.

He continues barking. Almost as if there's Zombies out there.

So I head downstairs and see him staring out the patio door and barking up a storm.

I get there and peek and see nobody out there. Alive or undead.

Then I see it!

On the patio there is a SQUIRREL!

And Bradley was trying to inform said Squirrel that s/he shouldn't be out there 'cuz it's HIS patio.

I quietly open the door and let him storm out, chasing the squirrel up the tree. That'll teach him! (Ok, probably not, but it was fun to watch)

So, some random girl from the other side of the floor comes over here and says very shyly, "hi..."

I go very energetically,"HI!!!!!"

She asks if we're the appropriate people to go to with Essbase installation issues.

I said "not particularly, but I'm feeling in the holiday spirit to not let you deal with desktop support, so I'll help you!"

She looks over on the side of my desk and points and says "is that...."

I said "Yep, it's a water feature!"

She says "They let you bring it.."

I said "Yep, I smuggled it in!"

She looked blankly.

Weird Star Alignment

2010-11-12T20:17:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I've had times in my past where stars weirdly aligned and I ran into people I knew. Like the time I went and got my hair cut at the same place someone I went to college with at the same time... and we went to college like 1200 miles from here.

Or the time I went to the UPS Store to mail myself something and dude said "Your name sounds familiar" and came to find out we gamed online together several years prior.

Or even the time that I found out someone I went to school in SC and I happened to cross paths about the time I moved back south and she moved up north, and we had our own mini-class-reunion.

But today, Internets, SO MANY stars had to align for this to happen.

Two companies ago, I worked with this awesome person in HR. Let's call her Sunflower. No, she doesn't have a hippy mom [at least I don't think], but she does like the sun. We worked on a couple projects together to make her life easier at work.

So, I'm in traffic in Buckhead today and there's someone honking at me two lanes over in a convertible. I look and see a female waving at me, so I'm like "Obviously she has me confused for someone else, because I'm GAY."

I keep staring and think "She's almost familiar, but I can't recognize her.. maybe she has one of those familiar faces... I mean, I have a lot of people think they know me when they don't."

Then a minute later my phone rings.

"Hello?"
"Smply?"
"Um.. yes..?"
"It's Sunflower."
"Sunflower...? SUNFLOWER!"
"I'm stuck in traffic here in Buckhead, and saw a green truck with a rainbow sticker on it and the only person I know with that combination is Smply Unprdctble. And I managed to remember your phone number spells HOT-STUF, so that's how I was able to remember it and I tried it." [Note: my number does NOT spell HOT-STUF. Please don't try to call it.]

Now, I haven't seen her in like six or so years. But, let's sit and take an investigation of all the things that actually had to happen for this to occur.

First, Sunflower had to be living in Buckhead, as she was on her way home.
Second, my Hot Massage Therapist had to be in Buckhead, as I was leaving her office.
Third, my Hot Massage Therapist had to move me from my regular day of Wednesday to Friday since she got sick this week.
Next, my Hot Massage Therapist had to invite me to Doc Chey's for dinner.
Then I had to accept and follow her there, which is opposite my direction home.
Add into that all the exact times that had to happen for Sunflower to see me.
Factor in the fact she had to see me two lanes away

Now, if that isn't star-aligned enough, she had told me she was JUST thinking about me. You see, one of the things I helped make her work-life easier with was something called "Common Review". It's some HR process that they help make sure people's ratings get averaged appropriately. She's working on that in her new job, and pulled out old spreadsheets with code and everything I wrote for her. She was trying to make her new computer-geek person she works with help her update them for her new company and she told him how awesome I was in developing them. PLUS, she had to remember my number was HOT-STUF. That completely came out of the blue for her.

So, we have a TON of items that had to fall together for our happenstance meeting in traffic and for her to be able to call me. It's all amazingly incredible!

So, we're going to find a way to grab dinner or something in order to finally catch up!

My dentist appointment

2010-09-16T09:16:00.002-04:00

Quick back story.

As y'all know, I went and had Invisalign done. As part of the treatment, they had to put "buttons" on my teeths. After my treatment, my hot lesbian dentist scraped most of the buttons off, but every now and then I would find a spot that wasn't completely removed. Now begins our story.

I went to my hot lesbian dentist's office yesterday. AWESOME redesign she did! I mean, BEAUTIFUL! I was all confused when I stepped in.

My hygienist takes me into the back and I show her where there was a missed portion that needed to be scraped off. She spends a minute to do the scraping and I do the fingernail test and it's all smooth (in retrospect, I now miss it, but I digress).

She stepped away for a minute to grab something and came back.

She started my cleaning in the back of my mouth. She finished with the first tooth (Tooth #2) and started on the next one and she asks, "What was that stuff I just scraped off your tooth?"

I looked at her mildly confused and said "lunch?"

She starts laughing and telling me I'm crazy. I'm still mildly confused and she said "When I first started... On your front tooth!"

I busted out laughing hysterically.

Goes to show how awesome our English language is!

But, the rest of the cleaning and checkup went awesome. And my hot lesbian dentist came in and we talked and I said "I helped pay for this with my Extreme Makeover Dental Edition. Can I have that area over there dedicated to me? :)" (yes, I said ":)")

Have I mentioned lately how much I love my dentist?

Blue Balls

2010-09-08T09:57:00.003-04:00

So, a few weeks ago, I found this really awesome sounding recipe for blue balls.

I convinced my friend Mikers to make it for his Labor Day cookout thing he was doing. It took a bit of convincing, but he did it.

I had fun discussing the whole ordeal.

Ranging from "Mikers is offering me a taste of his blue balls" to "I just left Mikers place with blue balls" to discussing the "after-effect" of the blue balls, including pictures (which I will refrain from this blog for now).

I'm sure y'all want to know what these blue balls look like.

Today, I brought the leftovers to work. And I got to go around the office asking if people "want some blue balls". It was quite exciting (and I figured as long as I had them in hand, it was not an HR violation).

Everyone thinks the side effect is a blue tongue.... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Class Reunion

2010-08-09T09:40:00.004-04:00

Warning: This post is going to break a lot of rules of my blog. Names will NOT be changed (although mine will not be mentioned at all, and comments mentioning my name past the first letter will not be approved). Even though names will not be changed, last names will not be provided. In the event a last name is referenced, it will be just the first letter. This post will also go a little more in depth into me than normal. If you're afraid, feel free to discontinue reading this post. Finally, there will be language that is not appropriate for minors. But, minors will be the ones being quoted during these words. I will not censor myself for this event. This story brings back some rough memories, but I am not bitter about any of it. If there are any details missing, please leave a comment with anything you recall. I don't hold any grudges (kids will be kids), and bringing up some of that has actually been creating a healing process over it.
Now, onto the story.

I grew up in a very country part of SC. And by country, we grew up across the street from cows. And not the people you see at WalMart wearing moo-moos! It was a quiet little neighborhood. And a few people in the area that were either my age or my sister's age.

I started Manchester Elementary School at Kindergarten. I was growing up with my classmates in a "normal" environment (well, as "normal" as a small town school could be where the 2000 Census had the median income at $19,583).

In fourth grade, something catastrophic happened. What exactly was the event(s), I could not tell you. If you went to school with me and happen to know, PLEASE remind me. But, for some reason, my classmates decided to start calling me "faggot". All of a sudden, I was the classmate with cooties. At times, it ended up being a bit of a game where if I ended up touching someone, they caught the cooties. But, it was worse than standard schoolyard playing. In today's standards, it'd be considered downright harassment / bullying. But, I grew up in simpler times where people weren't sue-happy.

As the school years went on, I was practically ousted away from any potential friendships I really had in school. I went on to being extremely introverted, quiet, and practically a loner. Hell, I might have actually been labeled as "depressed" at the time based on some of the behaviors I exerted, looking back.

Also, I was "the smart kid". I grasped onto concepts and ran with them. There was a while when I was the first one who raised their hand when a teacher asked for an answer to a question. I was proud of my smarts, but I guess it made some of my other classmates jealous.

It was also somewhere around the fourth or fifth grade that I quit doing homework. Whether that was a subconscious cry for help, depression showing it's ugly face, or my ADHD starting to show it's ugly head, I don't know. Sure, I got in trouble a bit in class being made to stand on the blacktop at recess, but that was about as fun as going out into the school yard and not getting to play with my other classmates. But, my grades didn't really fall for lack of homework.

So, this began my story as being a "quiet skinny nerd" in school.

As the years went on, the "cooties" went away, but "faggot" never did. This is where I have my struggle in the "nature vs nurture" concept of my sexuality. Yes, I'm gay. Now I have no reason to hide it, but growing up in "country, SC" when gays were all over the news and stuff being represented in a hugely negative fashion and being the evil people spreading AIDS, I wanted nothing to do with it.

About freshman year of high school, I began to realize my sexical fantasies were more towards guys than gals. I appreciated beauty and all that, but never was attracted to any of my female classmates. There was one football player though -- he was a junior, I think -- I thought he was the hottest thing since the sun! But, I was too fearful to show it, thinking I was an abomination because it obviously wasn't socially acceptable to be gay.

The summer between sophomore and junior years of HS, my sister and I were moved up to western Mass. It seemed a HUGE burden had been left behind as I left the "bad memories" of Manchester & Furman behind. I figured a new start. But, it seemed my lack of social skills came to bite me in the butt entering my new high school. Plus, I was a "smart kid" being one of two in the entire school who was a year ahead in English. Most of my classes were with seniors, so they were more interested in getting out out of school than making a new friend. Then my "real" senior year (or as I call it, my "second senior year"), I decided to be lazy and half my classes wound up being with freshmen, who wanted nothing to do with a senior. *shrug*, I had become accustomed to being a loner.

Anyways, that whole story is leading up to this: My 15-year high school reunion.

Reunions are generally meant for the graduating class. 97% of the time, these are the people you grew up with throughout your years of school. There's the occasional person who moves in or out, but it's fairly static. Since I spent eleven years with these people, there had to be some sort of connection. It kinda clicked back in October when I was in Boston and got to have lunch with Meka and we pseudo-reminisced over growing up. There was a lot of "What happened to Smply?" at the beginning of junior year. People thought I may have moved to Sumter High or something, but it was all rumors (as if nobody knew Dad worked at the Exxon in Wesmark Plaza). But, after seeing Meka and doing a lot of reminiscing and remembering the good things that happened, I was excited to know a 15-year reunion was coming up and I wanted to go.

When I got word on things, I replied with a resounding "YES!"

Then after I paid my reunion fee and time got closer, a lot of the above memories started coming back and I wanted to do "Oh yeah? Look at how well the faggot turned out!". Then, I remembered lunch with Meka and realized that's not the way to go and I should go there just to have fun. Which is what I did.

When I walked in the door and saw Angie, Tonya, and Clarice, a lot of memories started coming back. Angie and Tonya were really happy to see me, and they talked about how they were all wondering what happened to me. I later found out Clarice couldn't remember me past 3rd grade for some reason. I almost blame the fourth grade incident. Names were coming out and I was remembering things.

There was a reminiscing time for the reunion, and people were remembering specific events that happened (like someone being thrown in a construction pit, or seniors taking someone and throwing them in the dumpster, senior trip memories, and things like that). A lot of the events happened junior and senior years, so I had no idea things they were talking about, but they would recall something from the younger days and I'd be like "OMG, I remember that."

Some things were coming back, but nothing enough that I wanted to go up there and say them. Probably because I was terrified something in me would want to say "And I remember all y'all calling me a faggot" because that kept popping in my head.

At the end (before the horrible dancing), a photographer was at the banquet hall to get a class photo (as if everyone was there). We did an everybody picture, then a just the girls pic, then a just the guys pic. There were six guys and apparently we weren't close enough together. Someone made that comment and I came back with "But, some of us have cooties!" -- Angie quirked back immediately with "Not anymore, Smply!"

That was HUGELY healing for me. Two little words made me feel all warm inside. They made the five hour trip seem completely worth it. I wanted to go up to her and thank her for those words, but I probably would have wound up crying like a baby. (Little secret: Tears are trying to come out of my eyes with me typing this). But, it was WAY AWESOME! Thanks, Angie, for making my day! :) (Not to say the rest of y'all didn't, but that just hit way deep inside).

After I departed, I started recalling some of the events I remember from school. It was a bit late to go grab the mic and say them. They're also more of little events, but I figured I'd share:

I remember in English class (just before lunch), Dee was getting hungry. All of a sudden she comes out with "I'm hungry, roll over!"
I remember Miss G being a little weird (She was my homeroom teacher). She would be looking in one direction and pointing another and people had no idea which of the two she was intending to answer a question.
I remember Miss G talking about the giant oak (or maple?) tree that was in front of Manchester. She had all kinds of pictures of it. Then Hurricane Hugo struck and knocked it down. She was sad she didn't have a full picture of it.
Still with homeroom, there was one girl who shot a tampon out across the room. Needless to say, Miss G wasn't thrilled.
I remember Clara going off on Miss G and making her quit (early retire?). Then we had some substitute for the rest of the year who liked to drink the Listerine. We insisted she was drunk all the time.
I remember Holly's dad was a firefighter.
I remember there was one class the teacher wanted to show a movie. But, the only format she could find the movie on was Betamax. And I think it was Bessie who had the player she brought in.
I remember one bus driver, Jay -- he was... flaming. Everyone called him "Gay Jay". And he and Bubba would get into cat fights. One day he dropped Bubba off at his stop and made some sort of comment as Bubba departed. Jay quickly closed the doors and SPED off down the dirt road (that was full of potholes). Those in the back of the bus had fun (and/or whiplash) at the end of that trip.
I remember being in Mr. R's geometry class and Chris was all mad 'cuz the biology teacher Mr. O said he had diarrhea of the mouth.
I remember underclassmen with a 95 or higher pre-final didn't have to take a final. At the end of Mr. R's geometry class, Angie was pissed off that I had a 95.1 average and she had a 94.9. Her rebuttal was "But, he never did his homework!" (That makes me wonder how little homework counted in school)
I remember in gym class we had a 1:1 basketball tournament. I had no skillz, but I was paired against Greg. I came close to beating him, and he admitted it. I didn't care, I got to sit on the sidelines the rest of the tournament.
I remember Mr. T's 8th grade history class he used to stand there and eat peanuts all the time.
I remember Mr. G's 7th grade history class, he used to tell us how more advanced the north was with their education systems. I was in a bit of awe until I actually moved up there and my 11th grade history class had the EXACT SAME books as Mr. T's history class in 8th grade. And we watched the exact same movies and everything.
I remember Dee (I think it was Dee?) throwing To Kill A Mockingbird across Ms H's classroom when she read the jury verdict.
I remember getting stuck with a female frog in biology and digging all the eggs out the day my lab partner just "happened" to be out.
I remember being jealous of my classmates who brought in Kool-Aid (the pre-sugared kind) in a baggie and would eat it via wet fingers similar to Lik-M-Aid.
I remember the fourth grade play -- the story was something involving aliens who only spoke in a monotone voice. I got to play the goofy kid and my favorite line I said was "And I thought it was... INDIGESTION!"
I remember everyone LOVING pizza day! And when we got to Furman and had a choice between regular lunch and the other stuff, most people preferred the other side because it usually had pizza. (And, let me tell you, I swear there was something in that pizza that made everyone love it).
I remember at lunch one time I was drinking my chocolate milk and someone said or did something funny, and milk came out my nose. Someone complained to the teacher and I got in trouble because they said I did it on purpose.
I remember someone was helping Mr. G fill out the damaged textbook forms and for some reason it was decided my textbook had a $5 damage fine with it. They circled "her" in the section saying "Your child has damaged his/her textbook..." and my mother went OFF on him!
I remember we all picked on Susie H -- she was an awesome teacher albeit short. We loved her as much as we joked on her!
I remember playing Musical Chairs (or Musical Hula Hoops, or Musical something) in Ms S's gym class growing up. And the ONLY song I can remember from that is Solid as a Rock.
I remember the school was getting way overcrowded, so the solution was portables. And by the time we got to 7th/8th grade, the only time we went inside the building was for lunch.
I remember everyone being jealous when Pocalla was being built because we got out of Manchester just as Pocalla opened, so never got to reap the rewards. I guess this is similar to the way the class of 95ers kinda felt because Lakewood and Crestwood opened right after that.
I remember USC vs Clemson Days at school where we were encouraged to show our team pride. And it was like a WAR!
I remember one of our football players got Athlete of the Week on WLTX Channel 19 (I think). The whole school was abuzz.
I remember Tonya had huge difficulties saying "Bernoulli" in Mr. R's earth science class.
I remember Dee complaining about another school's wooden floors 'cuz "the ball bounces funny" off of it. (And, let me tell you, it does compared to the gym floors we grew up with).

I look back and realize there was a lot about school I didn't like, but there was a lot of positive memories as well. Even with the negative, I do miss those days (although, I kinda wish some of that never happened). And, I hafta say, there really was no class like FHS Class of '95!

2010-07-29T10:14:00.002-04:00

So, one of my "problem customers" calls today at 10:10am.

I answer "Good afternoon"
It's Good morning.
For you...
*I receive a text message and my phone makes a noise*
You're playing Mario, aren't you and just got a mushroom?
No, I am NOT playing Mario.
Well, I just heard the sound when you get a mushroom.
Oh, so now you're saying I'm on drugs eating mushrooms?
No, I'm just saying it's the sound when Mario gets the mushroom.
You DO realize it's the same sound as when he gets the flower, right?
So, you can now throw fireballs?
Oh, now you're calling me FLAMING?
No.. No.. Ok, this conversation is over.

I love putting coworkers in uncomfortable positions by slightly twisting what they say! :)

Top vs. Bottom

2010-07-02T11:16:00.002-04:00

So, one of the heterosexical IT guys and I were going back and forth discussing a strange problem we're having with one of the systems. Then, this email chain occurs:

Me:

It's not consistent.

If the one-liner is up top, it usually saves. If it's more to the bottom, it won't.

Him:

It is all I can do to refrain from commenting on top vs bottom.

But I would have thought both worked equally well for you.

;)

Not that I want to know.

;)

Me:

Ok, I almost just fell out of my seat laughing.

And I'm not going to let you know.

At least he was able to tell... unlike someone else...

I was on the radio!

2010-06-30T11:07:00.016-04:00

All I can say is WOW!

Yes, that's Dallas, Tug, and I in the Kicks studio! They were awesome to meet and interact with. And I had an AWESOME time seeing how things work!

Here's what I can tell you:

Dallas is AWESOME, and by AWESOME, I mean I thought she was cool from what I've heard her on the radio -- But, she's BEYOND cool.. BEYOND great... and cute to boot!
Tug looks SKINNY from what his pictures on the website show. So, I guess healthé trim works! (although I don't know for certain what he looked like). And also cute to boot (He's probably blushing now if he reads this)
Producer Matt is one of those odd characters and we all got to yell at him for doing something we don't approve of (although if Caddy was there, I'm sure he wouldn't have objected)
All the cool technology in the studio had me in awe. Not as much awe as one of the CNN tours I had (different technologies, but awesome)

A name is mentioned also! Whether or not it's my real name I'm not telling. 'Cuz we all know DJs on the radio always use a moniker on the radio. I doubt his mother really put Cadillac Jack the birth certificate. And Dallas has used other names pre-Kicks (See, I pay attention to what they say on the radio!). I'm guessing Tug-a-licious's mom didn't give him that name either.

The awesomeness? As I was departing, they said I should be a regular stand-in if someone is out. I TOTALLY would love to be able to do that! This is me crossing my fingers hoping I can do it again!

The mp3s below essentially starts at 6am! Already an hour into the Morning Show. I must apologize that the length is SO LONG, but I wanted to put it in as un-bastardized as possible. So, if you want to fast forward through commercials and music, here's where I am (when we cut to commercial or song, go ahead and forward to the next one) -- And, if you know of a way to either create a playlist or host a larger mp3 for free, please let me know!

6:12:45 -- I'm mentioned (before I get to the studios even -- in fact, I was in the shower)
6:53:40 -- I'm actually on the air for the first time!
6:57:30 -- First half of first story (Olive Garden)
7:06:55 -- Second half of the first story
7:12:55 -- Tease to future stories
7:21:30 -- Second story (Prostitute and his daddy) -- Sorry, I revealed a bit of information here.
7:28:25 -- Teaser about chihuahua story
7:36:30 -- Third story (Chihuahua)
7:43:15 -- Teaser to fourth story (Not in it, but great teaser)
7:52:10 -- Teaser in and talk about my sistah -- then lead into the fourth story (Naked man)
7:57:00 -- Second half of fourth story (OMG, I have NO WORDS!)

I also need to figure out how to cut out stuff in order to throw it on a CD for Nan and Mother.

BIG NEWS, EVERYBODY!

2010-06-28T10:09:00.004-04:00

Sweet Molasses of Anassas, I've got some big news!

Initially, I was going to post on the craziness that happened this weekend. But, the most awesomest thing just happened.

I got a phone call.

I managed to beg and plead my way into being a guest judge on this Wednesday's edition of "Make Us Say WOW Wednesday" on my favoritest radio station in the whole wide world!

Yes, you heard me right!

I'm gonna be on the radio!

For about an hour! (ok, maybe a total of two minutes because there's all the songs they play, and then the people have to tell their stories... and I'll probably only get to say things like "WOW" or "Not a wow.. close, but not quite", but it will go across the hour timespan)

So, I'm demanding that all eight of my readers tell nineteen of their friends and help make EVERYONE in the world listen to me Wednesday morning!

The details I know is it happens Wednesday. Producer Matt asked me to be there for 6:45. And they finish up around 8-815 usually. And you can listen to the station live on their website.

Maybe if I'm lucky, they'll give me a copy of the show!

And, I have Cadillac Jack to thank for this -- You're awesome! Maybe I can stand in for Dallas or Tug when either of them go on vacation so I can finally meet ya!

Email I just got

2010-06-25T10:35:00.003-04:00

Apparently I'm liked here at The Company.

I was CC'd on the following email:

Smply's Old Manager,

In case you are not fully aware I want to let you know that I appreciate Smply’s extra effort with the schedules database the last few weeks. In a limited amount of time he was able to create a new schedule (33: Major Customers) which required leveraging both Essbase and Oracle (previously always completed by arcplan/Consultant Dude), rework schedules 30, 22, 19, 18, each requiring new data fields/accounts as well as making numerous other improvements to each and every quarterly schedule. I would also like to highlight his efforts in helping IT find what I hope is the solution to our re-occurring “open file” error which has been causing the majority of our system downtime. Finally, I would like to publicize that Smply and I led an interactive database class last Friday where we educated and exchanged ideas with 40+ participants of the database user community. All of these actions are greatly appreciated by Our Department and we are grateful for your, Smply and the COE’s continued commitment to improve and support the schedule database.

Project Manager Dude

My reply?

Oh please -- Tell New Manager instead! :)

Yeah -- I think they like me here!

I had a dream...

2010-06-07T14:18:00.002-04:00

So, Saturday night I had the strangest dream.

Now, mind you, I don't remember all the details of the dream (I normally don't), but this one was especially... odd.

As you may or may not know, I have a ghost in my house. It's not been a big deal generally with the exception of a few stories (which I just realized aren't posted here. I guess I have some projects to do). But, I actually had a dream where I interacted with the ghost in my house.

Here's how it went down (to the best of what little bit I can barely recall):

In my dream, I don't think I was minding my own business, but I saw the ghost roaming around the house. A physical being, people.

And, the ghost wasn't what you would expect to see based on Casper or the "random unimportant" ghosts from Ghostbusters. Not even one of those that you see when someone shows you a picture they've taken and there's an odd transparent person posed next to them.

This ghost was tall, very skinny, and black. And by black, I don't mean African American. I mean Crayola Black.

And in my dream, the ghost was walking around and I guess I tripped the ghost or something (I told you I couldn't remember if I was minding my own business or something). That's when it gets scary.

The ghost got all up in my face. I was terrified, and I woke up.

And it was cold in my room. And I had to pee. But I was afraid to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. I eventually fell back asleep and woke up Sunday morning all "WTF" like.

I hope I didn't do anything to piss off the ghost in the house. I probably really need to bring someone in to figure out who the ghost is and make sure the the ghost isn't pissed off at me for some reason....

Is insurance REALLY a good thing?

2010-06-03T22:25:00.005-04:00

I confess. I have a bit of a medical condition. The good news is it's in the "pretty much cured" phase, but I still have a few doctor followup visits to go to to ensure I'm continuing staying healthy. This blog posting is NOT about my condition. I will not reveal that condition because it's irrelevant to anyone outside my close personal friends and family.

Anyways, I've been seeing my specialist ever since I was diagnosed with this condition. I want to say that was like 6-7 years ago. At the time of me being diagnosed, my then employer's biggest source of revenue was insurance companies -- because I was working for a health care company (corporate offices, of course -- we all know I can't deal with sick people).

During my visits with my specialist, I've always had to pay my "Specialist Co-Pay". We'll call it $40.

Then, came the unfortunate incident. But, then came the awesome event where I got new employment. Due to timings and other wait times between the two, I had to get on COBRA for about 2 months (And it's minimum 2 months on COBRA, but that's yet another story).

I had a specialist appointment sometime during the month of November -- COBRA had not kicked in yet (you hafta sign paperwork and get that mailed in and processed and yada yada yada), so when I went to see the specialist, they said I was uninsured and charged me for the office visit -- $75. Not a big deal, and I was pleasantly surprised.

This year marked a change in The Company's health insurance plans. We went from a "Co-Pay" system to a "Co-Insurance" system with the non-HMO plan. This means I'm required to pay out of pocket 100% of a doctor's visit until I meet my deductible, then I have to pay whatever co-insurance percentage is. For example, if I have a $500 deductible then 10% after that and I have a $1000 medical bill, I would have to pay $550 ($500 deductible plus 10% of the remaining $500) and insurance would cover the remaining $450. This is where people spent hours of calculations to find the break-even point in medical costs, but that's not the scope of this blog entry.

Back on topic, I had an appointment with my specialist this year. Due to the co-insurance thing, we pay $0 up front and get billed afterward after insurance pays their portion (which is after contractual discounts and whatever other BS goes into the calculations). I got the bill in the mail the other day.

$185.01.

The same visit type as when I was virtually uninsured before COBRA kicked in. Nothing extra.

How the HELL can you justify charging a patient MORE if they have insurance than if they don't? That's like a company offering a program where if you sign up and pay the premium, you get all kinds of perks -- including 200+% markup on products and services -- all just for being associated with them.

It makes me wonder how Obama's Healthcare Reform Bill will impact the same charges. Will the option of "I'm waiting for COBRA to kick in, so charge me the $75" go away? Will people, by default, have a co-insurance plan like The Company rolled out and if I'm waiting for COBRA to kick in I'll be charged $185?

If I had my choice, I would have said "charge me as if I don't have insurance." -- and send the bill to the insurance company to demonstrate I'm working towards my deductible (because they're not going to reimburse anything until I hit that number). And, if I break my leg, I may have more deductible to work through, but it's that much money I've saved if I don't break my leg.

Why can't we do things like this? Or can we? I really would like to know.

Remember the time....

2010-05-30T21:18:00.002-04:00

So, when I was in college, V and I took a day and watched the Star Wars trilogy (back when there was only three of them). I had it on VHS and had a pretty nice VCR hooked into my stereo, so I had halfway decent sound. None of this 7.1 surround sound I have now, but we were able to hear the nice rumblings and everything. Laying on my bed geeking out to Star Wars. And when we got hungry, we ordered Domino's because it was too late to go to the cafeteria.

That was the original set of movies, not the Special Edition, also.

I did math, and it was about 6.5 hours of movie we watched that day. Prolly a little less, but also have to take into account rewind times. You see, children, back when I was young, we didn't have DVDs*, and we had to use the rewind button to get the video tape back to the beginning in order to watch it again. This usually took about 5 minutes or so, depending on how fast your VCR was. And the rich families had the automagic rewinder so you could put in your next movie immediately and put your watched movie in the rewinder.

Anyways, today Spike is airing all six movies (Special Edition for the original Trilogy as I saw Jabba in Episode IV). I did the math. It's 13.42 hours of actual movie times. How the HELL does someone survive sitting through 13.5 hours of movies? And that's not counting the commercials!

And, of course, here comes my analysis.

13.5 hours of movie.

Spike aired it from 9am to 4am. That's 19 hours.

19 hours total minus 13.5 of movie time is 5.5 hours of commercials during the movies.

Divide that by six and that's 55 minutes of commercials per movie -- or 17.5 minutes of commercials per hour.

You're wasting 29% of the time watching commercials. That's where a DVR comes in handy (or actually owning the movies)

But, that brings me back to my earlier point: Who the hell has 13.5 hours to sit and watch movies?

But, that reminds me of a really bad joke I made up:

In 1977 when the first Star Wars movie came out, Chewbacca won an award. You know what award that was?

Wookie of the Year!

*ducks the rotten tomatoes being tossed*

*I remember the first time I watched a DVD -- I was amazed at the fact you didn't have to rewind. It was a foreign concept at the time!

How many rules have I broken?

2010-05-27T10:25:00.011-04:00

So, on The Company's intranet page, there's an email from our HR Head Honcho. It's about The Company's Social Media policy and how we should be.

Now, let me get this statement out of the way: When I started working for The Company, I asked our HR peeps "Can I still have a blog, even though I don't mention The Company's name and occasionally may say something that could be considered offensive to certain people?" (I mean, face it -- what CAN be said that's couldn't be considered offensive to SOMEONE?). They replied I could as long as I have the disclaimer portion at the bottom of the page you see *points down there*.

Anyways, I'm reading through the policy and have decided to determine how apt I am to be fired. Note: Some information is being removed to help protect the identity of The Company. I mean, if I worked for a company and the policy said "including beverage flavors", that could extremely narrow down who I could potentially work for. And, no, I don't work for them as I don't see me being able to work for a company who produces a product that you have to put Rum or Jack in to make it taste good :)

Don't let personal use of the Company's computers and other equipment interfere with work. While occasional personal use is permitted, it should be kept to a minimum and should not interfere with your job. -- Hrmm.. We won't go there.

Don't expect privacy if you participate in social media while at work or while using Company equipment. Communications made or stored on The Company's equipment or systems are subject to monitoring and disclosure with or without advance notice. Even if you participate in social media outside of work, you should recognize that these communications are typically not considered private under applicable law. -- Of course I don't expect privacy. But, I am posting this using The Company's network :)

Do be a good Web citizen. Be constructive. Remember that the Social Web is about connecting people, ideas and information. You may use it in your own personal ways, but be courteous, be respectful of diversity and exercise good common sense and judgment. -- Courteous? With as offensive as I can be sometimes?

Do respect and adhere to applicable laws, including copyright, trademark, right of publicity/privacy and patent laws. -- That I do. I mean, that'd be a bad thing if I didn't.

Do identify yourself as an employee of The Company (or one of its divisions) and make it clear that any opinions you express are your own and not that of The Company, if your comments (i) refer to The Company's businesses or products, (ii) could be seen as an endorsement, promotion or testimonial for any other product or service by The Company or (iii) could otherwise be construed by the reader as a comment made by you on behalf of The Company.

This guideline applies even if you are not writing under your name. Your identity is seldom anonymous. It is better to be authentic and transparent and understand that anonymous postings can be linked to your identity.
If you have your own page, site or blog, at a minimum you should include the following standard legal disclaimer language: "The views expressed on this [blog; Web site; etc.] are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer." In some cases, as discussed below, it will be necessary to specifically disclose that The Company is your employer in this disclaimer.
If you are a manager or executive, realize that a standard disclaimer may not be enough. Be cognizant that your personal thoughts or opinions may be misinterpreted as expressing views of the Company.
If you post - on any social media - comments that are related to The Company businesses or products or that could be seen as an endorsement, promotion or testimonial for The Company, fully disclose that you work for The Company (or one of its divisions). Disclosure methods could include a link to your profile or a bio or a more explicit statement in the post such as, "I am an employee of The Company, Inc. The views expressed on this [blog, Web site, etc.] are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer."

Yeah.... We know I don't completely do that. I know some of y'all know who I work for, but a lot of y'all don't know. And I'm violating this rule because I don't want some of my comments to be associated with The Company.

Do write and post responsibly.

Show proper consideration for your personal privacy, as well as that of others. -- Ok, I don't share names. I mean, who here knows the name of my coworker who almost got hit by a zebra?
Consider that what you write could be published in a national newspaper, reported on television or posted to other social media. -- I'm going to be published? If that ever happens, would I be working for The Company? Wait, maybe I would.... Either way, all my postings get placed on other social media (I post it to Twitter / Facebook... and it gets picked up by Google Buzz for all you freaks...), but I don't count that as big stuff.
Be judicious in your engagement on topics that may be considered objectionable or inflammatory. Never use ethnic slurs, personal insults, obscenity, etc. -- Slurs and personal insults? Oh hells no! That don't happen with me. Oh wait, yes they do.
Be sure that all content associated with you is consistent with your work and with The Company's values and professional standards. -- Oh PUHLEEZE. That will NOT be happening.
If writing about Company-related topics, you can link to official videos produced for The Company Web sites, fan pages & content channels. This means using embedded codes from the respective Web sites, via our Facebook pages or YouTube channels. -- I may occasionally post links, but they may or may not be related to The Company. Who cares where I get my content from? John Doe may be posting the same content as me and nobody cares about him!
If you find (or are sent) a very compelling piece of user generated content ("UGC") or fan video related to the business of The Company, do not post or comment on it. Instead, notify someone in the appropriate Digital Marketing division so that they can determine the best course of action to take. -- If I find an awesome link like this, I'm going to tweet it myself.
Remember that although you have "removed" a comment or post, once something is published online it is a permanent record that easily can be misinterpreted or taken out of context -- Isn't there a Disney PSA about that? Once you put something on the Internets, you can't take it back?

Don't share The Company internal communications or information, including:

Confidential or proprietary information about the Company's performance, finances or future plans. -- How stupid does someone have to be to do that?
Company intellectual property and proprietary information, including content (whether it is aired or unaired), logos, still shots, cartoon characters, promotional materials, photos taken in offices, and the numerous computer programs employees use while at work, among other things. This includes promotional details, which should not be shared unless you have cleared the release of this information with PR. -- So, you're saying I can't send a screenshot of an error message of a software package used by hundreds if not thousands of companies? And you're going to get mad because I take a picture of the snow outside my window? What are we going to do when I start taking pictures like this? That was taken from my cube, which is inside our offices!
Business correspondence, such as executive memos and management communications, among other things. -- Yeah, I won't post those. But, I WILL post things like my Gold Star award, and other things that kinda don't mention any details.
Information regarding legal proceedings or legal matters involving The Company, including any communications to or from legal counsel for The Company, regardless of whether the original discussion included you or was later shared with you. -- So, when I'm fired and sue for the fact I posted this on my blog, they don't want me to make mention of it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :)
See the SBC and the Confidential Information policy for a more full discussion on this topic. If you have any doubts about whether an item is confidential or proprietary, seek guidance before sharing. -- Yeah, I said I wouldn't do anything to bring The Company's name into this. And I did seek guidance when I first started. I even have the email stored off to the side!

Don't disclose, reference, or discuss customers, partners or suppliers without their prior approval. -- I talk about coworkers -- but real names aren't involved, so I don't care about approval! :)

Don't use social media hosted outside of The Company's protected Intranet environment for business-related communications. Always use authorized internal Intranet systems to communicate with your colleagues regarding The Company-related business matters. -- So, I shouldn't use AIM to talk about people?

I guess I've been a bad bad boy. Oh well. If we're keeping tabs of the rules I've broken, I'm probably being fired tomorrow!

Where No SmplyUnprdctble Has Gone Before

2010-05-23T22:27:00.003-04:00

Yo! Internets! I went someplace I've never been before!

No, I haven't gone THAT offensive. (Although, it almost happened)

I went to VERMONT!

Yes, I've lived in New England how many years and have never been to Vermont. I don't get it either. But, for some reason, I decided I wanted to go this trip. Mostly because it's right there *points*.

A friend of mine and I went hopped in my rental car and we took off up 91. Not really knowing where we would go (although we pondered going to Ben & Jerry's). We just took off.

We got to Brattleboro and found a welcome center. We asked where we should go eat, and the (biased) guy sent us to his not quite great place. The food wasn't bad, but there was like not much there on the brunch buffet. Basically, it was empty. But, we ate and then got back on the road.

On the way up, we learned a new word: Scarified. Yes. There's a road sign in Vermont that says "Scarified Road" -- It's the same as "Rough Pavement", but we think people got bored. They also say "Bridges Freeze Before Road", so that continues the theory.

We went further up and followed the map. The goal was to go to some glass blowing place (who's name escapes my memory at this time). It sounded like a cool thing to watch. And it was the first exit once we got on 89.

We got off 89 and tried to figure out where it might be and we saw this mini strip mall like thing. And as I pulled in, I made a B-line for a MOOSE.

Yes, peeps, a MOOSE!

I HAD to get my picture with the moose! I asked the kind people and they asked if I wanted to get ON it! I almost creamed my pants!

So, I got up on the moose and had my picture snapped!

Oh, it's a wooden moose. For sale for $3500. I pondered it as they said "Free Shipping", but I realized I had no place to put it.

We continued on to the glass blowing place. They had a river and dam and waterfall there. And a covered bridge.

This same area had some giant Gorge! They called it the "Grand Canyon of Vermont" -- it was pretty cool to look at and take pictures.

On the way home, we stopped at BASKETVILLE! I don't know, but it was kinda interesting. There was a mini-wine tasting and I bought a bottle of pear wine (which is being shipped to me by my awesome friend as I cannot take it on my carryon)

All in all, it was an awesome trip! For all y'all that want to see the pictures, you can go to my album on Facebook and see them!

SURPRISE!

2010-05-21T21:52:00.004-04:00

Dear Internets,

I know it's been a while since I've posted. Mostly because I haven't had a lot to post about. Until now.

You see, I'm famous for my surprises. It's happened more than once.

Anyways, Mother was having minor surgery* today. I decided that I wanted a break from work, so I thought, "Self, why don't you surprise her and show up when she's waking up from the surgery?"

Knowing I'd need an insider, I IM'd Sis and said "I think I'm gonna come up and surprise Mother!" The idea was she and I would wear the same shirt. As she's dropping Mother off, she would say "Like my shirt? Smply got it for me for my birthday. And when Mother was waking up, I'd go in and when she asked what I'm doing here, I'd say "Don't you remember? I brought you here? I even showed you the shirt Sis got me for Christmas!"

She and I worked out details. I flew into Boston yesterday and stayed with friends in NH (per usual, only this time we didn't have lobstah. Still a bit sad about that, but I'll survive).

Anyways, I headed out to Western Mass this morning sporting my shirt. and arrived at the hospital fairly close to noon. I gave Sis a hug and REALLY HAD TO PEE!

We're sitting in the waiting room waiting for the magic screen to change colors as Mother went through the various stages of surgery. Then her doctor comes out and says "She's done" -- we were like "but.. the colors didn't change!"

I go back there and turn the corner and Mother says "What the f--k are you doing here?" Amazing! She recognized me without glasses!

She was all excited and happy to see me. I really made her day. Put a smile on my face.

We're talking and stuff as she's waiting to be let go and she said she had a dream last night that I showed up. (Last night, I even talked to her and I told her she may have hallucinations as she's waking up from the anesthesia, and she was like "I better not see you!"

I giggled.

While at the hospital, we decided on how to surprise Nan. Initially, I wanted to have Mother go upstairs and say "Guess who picked me up from the hospital." But that kinda would give something away. So, instead we decide on "You'll never believe who I saw at the hospital."

So, Mother gets discharged about 2ish. We head home, and get Mother in Sis's place. My cousin is heading downstairs for a smoke, and I'm motioning for him to not say a word. Mother pees and then we head upstairs to see Nan, with me sneaking in tow.

Mother goes in and Nan's like "How are you feeling?" (all while she's on the phone with my aunt) and Mother says, "You'll never believe who I saw at the hospital."

Nan is like, "Ray?" (whoever that is)

I poke my head in the door and quietly say "Surprise" as to not give her a heart attack.

She doesn't hear me.

"Surprise!", I proclaim a little louder.

The third time I say Surprise, Mother points at me. Nan's like "OOOHH!!! What are you doing here?"

The nieces were pretty funny. I came back downstairs and the eldest was in the living room as I poked my head in. Her eyes went HUGE and said "What are you doing here?"

The younger was HILARIOUS. She was at gymnastics, so Sis went to go pick her up. she came running in and turned the corner in the living room and was asking (who she presumed was her dad) where the eldest was. Then her eyes went gigantic and said, "WOAH!"

So, that's my latest story, Internets. It's been pretty fun so far (except it's warm up here and people don't believe in air conditioners. I don't quite understand that). I have other news related to work I'll post later. I don't want to bog down my fun surprise with boring work stuffs.

Love y'all!

P.S. You should call me using the link to the right and say how much fun you thought the surprise was!

*The minor surgery was she had to have growths removed from her areas.

Things your mother doesn't want to hear

2010-04-25T20:53:00.003-04:00

So, I just got a call from Mother. She was telling me about all her tests she had done and that she should know this week possibly when she can come visit.

Anyways, somehow she got on the conversation and she said that she was going to get in her jammies. I told her I sleep in less than jammies, so when the ghost bothers her when she's here, knock first before she comes bug me in my room.

She replied "It's not something I've never seen before."

I come back with "Oh, there's things you've never seen."

She thought about it for a minute. Then was like "Ok, I DON'T want to know!"

:)

Who the Internets thinks I am

2010-04-08T20:45:00.005-04:00

So, on my facebook page, I started the discussion about the 2010 Census and something came out on Internet searches in "public databases."

The site brought up is Spokeo.

The example link provided against someone looked a little uncanny, so I decided to search for myself.

This is what it thinks I am:
Ok, early 30's, check.
Caucasian, check.
Single, check
Reading? Seriously?
Gemini? Um... NO!
Children? Ok, they get that one as a TECHNICALITY
And I like to think my neighborhood is Above Average!

But, that's not all that's on the page:
Again, loves reading? Seriously? Do they think I'm my sister?
Healthy Living? They obvi don't go through my trash!
Subscribes to magazines? No I don't. The one magazine I get, I don't know how I'm getting it and how to stop it!
Donates to causes? Ok, only aminals!
And, really, I'm not interested in politics.

But wait, there's more!
There's that technicality of children again.
It thinks I don't have central air or heat? In this state? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
And seriously? Home value? I WISH! Can a home be valued that much without central? In this state, that is -- obvi Massachusetts would be different.

I went further. I searched my sister under her maiden and married names. Her married name has next to nothing, but her maiden name has a bit more. And her husband looked pretty uncanny with all his interests.

Alas, it didn't have my grandmother, and she's been in that house for like 85 years.

Guess we can't truly trust everything on the Internets!

Who will I piss off first?

2010-03-31T13:49:00.002-04:00

Today has been a fun day for me. I have no idea why, but I'm in an especially silly mood.

It started early this morning. One of our IT peeps called me and I wasn't particularly thrilled to talk to anyone. So I answered in my "blah, I'm not awake yet and haven't had my Jesus Chicken Sweet Tea" voice. She said "I wasn't expecting that.." so I did my "OMG, I'm way too hyper and excited to see you so much I might just pee on the carpet" voice.

Then, I went to the food court mid morning to get my Jesus Chicken Sweet Tea refill (One's not enough, but I don't drink a full two usually) and the person behind the counter (we'll call her "Kenya") said "With a splash of regular or diet lemonade?"

I looked at her funny and said "absolutely NO lemon!"

She said "I thought you..." and another Jesus Chicken worker said "You have him confused with someone else."

That's when I piped in with "Are you trying to say all white people look alike?"

Needless to say I made another black person blush! :)

Finally, where I work, they give tours. Tour guides take groups around and show them a few of the cool sites to see here. One of the stops they make is on the way to the food court for me, and they congregate in the predetermined area and the guide starts talking about division that's on the other side of a wall (with said division's name implanted in giant letters on said wall). Anyways, as I walked by, I heard him say those magical words, so I stopped and did my best Barker's Beauty impression to show off the sign. A couple tourists (I wanted to say tourees until I axed someone else what the term should be) started laughing as the guide happened to turn around and see me doing my impression. He laughed.

So, I'm having like WAY too much fun today. I feel almost cabin feverish, but I've been getting out the past few days that it's been beautiful out. Maybe my window view is starting to get to me knowing how beautiful it is outside and I can't be out there.

On another note, it's taking WAY too long for these sacrificial fishies to poop and die!

I love my friends!

2010-03-26T16:09:00.003-04:00

Conversation I had with a friend of mine this morning:

[09:59] <me>
http://rodents.dyndns.org/Gallery/index.php?gallery=Poor%20Unfortunate%20Souls
[10:27] <friend> weird! is that your tank?
[10:27] <friend> what do you have in there?
[10:27] <friend> cool blue color!
[10:27] <friend> here fishy fishy fishy HERE FISHY FISHY FISHY
[10:27] <me> sacrificial goldfish
[10:27] <me> ok, Ernie
[10:27] <friend> hahahha
[10:28] <friend> good boy Smply! nice getting the reference!
[10:28] <friend> lol
[10:28] <friend> yet another thing I love about you!
[10:28] <me> *wags tail*

I love how I get my friends -- unlike the fact all but TWO of my coworkers get the following image, which I have on a shirt:

I almost died on the table today

2010-03-17T19:11:00.005-04:00

WARNING! DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, EMBARRASS EASILY, OR WANT TO KEEP YOUR ALLUSION THAT I'M INNOCENT! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

So, I was visiting with my Hot Massage Therapist today.

When we're together, we have some odd conversations. But today I think we took the cake.

We were talking about random things from boys to work to whatever. Then she starts talking about how she's a flirt. But not an "ordinary" flirt, but she gets a bit "suggestive" in her text message flirting.

I asked, "You mean you say things like 'I want to suck your cock'?"

She said, "No, a little more suggestive than that."

So, I go "Like 'I want you to eat my pussy until I squirt all over your face'?"

That's when we both lost it. I started giggling, she started laughing, then we both started laughing hard. Laughing so hard, I turned quite red, couldn't breathe, then literally was crying. All while still on the massage table. So, it made it harder to breathe and catch my breath.

She then goes, "I don't think I could type that on my phone."

I lose it again. I can't breathe I'm laughing so hard. In fact, I almost fell off the table.

I finally made us change the subject so we can catch our breath. In all, it was an awesome laugh. Best I've had in a while.

When my session was over, I tried to compose myself and got dressed.

As I left, I said, "You know what my sister's nickname was while we were growing up?"

"What?"

"Squirt!"

That started us again.

On the way home, I txt'd her:

Now, just copy and paste:
I want you to eat my pussy until I squirt all over your face!

Apparently I'm a mess!

(This doesn't include the other off conversation about her hot client after me)

Now they're just making things up!

2010-03-06T10:27:00.003-05:00

I was listening to the radio this morning on my way to get Jesus Chicken for breakfast.

A Kaiser-Permanente commercial came on the air. And, I swear they're making things up!

Now, let's rewind a large number of years. When I lived in MA, there was a HMO company called Harvard Pilgrim Healthcare (It's still there, but the "was" references back when I lived there). They had some pretty cool ad campaigns where they listed various medical professions. My favoritest was when a little tiny girl says "otolaryngologist."

Back to the present, Kaiser is doing similar commercials. Except they're making up things! They're trying to basically say that their doctors have "explicit specialties" that are supposed to give more specialized care to some of your ailments.

Now, I'm not an expert on medical professions in ANY way shape or form (with the exception that I've heard of a few of the specialties, and know approximately what they deal with), but I really think they're making things up!

Case in point, the commercial mentions a "dermatopulmunohematologist." Breaking it down, "dermato" is skin-related ("dermatologist"), pulmuno is lung related ("pulmunologist), and hemato is associated with blood. Exactly what disorder combines those three? (Where's Dr. House when you need him?)

I present to you, Before and After!

2010-03-04T12:14:00.004-05:00

So, as y'all have probably heard, I went straight!

And, my hot lesbian dentist promised before and after shots of everything. I'm a little saddened there's not as many after shots, but she was a little busy at the time when I went in.

So, without you begging and pleading for more, here's my before and after shots!

(note, they're put in this template by my hot lesbian dentist's staff, not me. I also removed all traces of names in it. You should be able to click on them for larger pics.)
See how crooked my life used to be? I mean, it was horrible! But, as you can see, things are a LOT better (I wish there were a few other good After pics taken so you can see the total transformation -- but you can see all that in the video in the link at the top):
I told the crew at the office "I'm smiling a LOT more now!"

So, if any of y'all are in the Hotlanta area and want my hot lesbian dentist's information, let me know and I'll provide it!

Huzzah for Google Voice!

2010-02-27T18:43:00.003-05:00

So, we've all heard that Hawaii has been under a Tsunami Watch because of an earthquake in Chile. As devastating as the whole idea of everything is, I'm not going to continue to feed into that. My blog isn't a news feed. And being in Georgia, I don't have any of the details.

But, I DO know someone who lives in Hawaii. My wife*. Except, we learned we can't live together, and it's a good thing we're not attracted to the same men.

Anyways, she lives in Honolulu, and works for an oceanfront hotel. When the Tsunami Warning officially started, I hadn't heard from her after sending a text message in the morning. So, I tried to call.

I used my cell phone (provider not mentioned because I don't think it matters), and was either getting the fast busy signal, or an automated message saying "Your call did not go through."

CNN was showing interviews via cell phones, so I figured coverage was still going on. Especially since nothing officially hit at this time, so I imagined it was just a lot of network congestion going on.

I also have a Google Voice account. So, I attempted to call her with my Google Voice account. Amazingly enough, it went through!

I don't know if it was pure luck in timing, or whether it's the fact Google Voice is VOIP and ends somehow directly in Hawaii, but the couple times I called using Google Voice, I got through, but using my cell provider**, I didn't.

So, not only am I singing the praises of Google Voice for the fact people can call me with one number and connect to a bunch of numbers I'm on, and I can text people using a website, but now Google Voice was the only network I have access to in order to call a network-congested area! :)

Also, nobody is leaving me calling me from my link to the right. Seriously people, you should! I understand I have like 6 readers, but that's not the point! I should have at least six calls!

* No, I'm not really married. She's my bestest friend and we share everything a married couple should.

** Technically, I'm still using my cell provider as I still have to connect to Google Voice. I'm just not using my cell provider to get to the call to the endpoint.

I am so deliciously evil!

2010-02-22T09:11:00.005-05:00

As you may or may not have heard (I'm told it made national news, so it HAD to be a slow news day), a zebra escaped from the circus last week.

That's not the awesome part about it. Before I start to read the massive tweets of a runaway zebra, I get a call from a coworker. She said "You're the only one I can tell this to who'll believe me... but a zebra escaped from the circus, and I was stopped over by the Mac-Donalds over by Five Points and it comes running at me and almost hits me!"

Yes, that's right -- a runaway zebra almost hit my coworker as she was leaving the office. Apparently there was like 20 police cars chasing after it and one officer on foot.

She became a pseudo-celebrity on Friday at work. Everyone wanted to hear the story of how she came face to snout almost literally with a zebra. The only thing I could imagine is the conversation had it hit her car: "Hello, State Farm? Yes, I need to file a claim. A zebra hit my car...... Yes, I live in Atlanta..... Yes, the incident happened downtown Atlanta..... No, I'm not on drugs...."

Of course, I enjoy finding the humor around me everyday. Not that what already happened wasn't funny, but I like making things better.

So, I went out Saturday and found a zebra.

The thing is zebras are apparently very difficult to find.

I couldn't find one at WalsMart. I couldn't find one at Target. I finally went to Toys R Us. I asked the poor guy and inquired, "do you have any zebras?" (pronounced "zeh-bras") -- dude looked at me and said "any what?" -- "Any zebras? Z-E-B-R-A" (pronouncing Z as Zed like every other english-speaking country does) -- he was all confused, but it was worth it.

Finally, we went to the stuffie area and found the following:

Granted, it's not the bestest zebra in the world, but it was gonna hafta do. (And for $5, it wasn't a bad deal)

This morning, I came into work and went up to her and said "Does this look familiar?" and tossed it at her. She jumped until she realized what it was and began laughing.

It's now on display in her cube (she's the one who took the pic), and she's having way too much fun with it!

Going Green

2010-02-21T16:06:00.003-05:00

Ok, don't get me wrong. I'm all for saving energy to help the planet. But, I have a few problems.

1) Recycling. It's not easy. It requires a separate trash receptacle in your house. I have a TIGHT kitchen. Which means I barely have room for the one trash can I have, much less having a second. I DO have recycling, but the only time it usually happens is when the recycling bucket gets full from the freebie newspapers that show up on my driveway I don't read.

2) CFLs. Yes, they are AWESOME when it comes to energy savings... 11 watts versus 75 watts. I'm all for that... Except for the warm-up time. I went through a phase where I shifted all the bulbs that weren't on dimmers to CFLs (as most CFLs you can't dim, but they're getting those in the market now). It happened as bulbs died and I replaced all in the set. But, it gets annoying when I turn on my kitchen light during the day and start something and a minute later try to turn it on again, only to realize "oh yeah, I already turned it on... it just hasn't warmed up yet."

3) Priuses (and other hybrid vehicles). I once thought about wanting a Ford Escape Hybrid. I admit it. But, seriously... Prius owners... You DO have a bit of get-up-and-go in your vehicles, USE IT! Sure, you'll kick on your gas engine, but YOU'RE ON THE FRIGGIN' INTERSTATE!

4) Saving money. Have you noticed how much more it costs to go green? Have you actually done the ROI on some of those? Most of them are generally 2-3 years (if not longer). I bought six 60-watt bulbs at The Home Depot the other day for 35 cents for the pack. One Philips CFL is $10 at WalMart (Sorry, I'm going for the bulb that looks like a bulb and not a squiggly.. those are ugly.. I have SOME taste). How long does it take to save $9.95 difference? My electric bill says I pay about $.09 per KWh. Now, this math is fuzzy (especially if I did it right), but for $9.95 in electricity you can get either (rounded) 1850 hours of a 60-watt bulb (aren't they generally rated for 1000 hours?), or 10000 hours of the 11-watt CFL. How many people run a light bulb for 10,000 hours? That's 416 days straight. Seriously, I'm now back on a move back to incandescent bulbs and putting everything on dimmers (which provides energy savings in themselves).

5) Jesus Chicken cups. I know they're probably not green. Whether it's an "environmentally healthy" styrofoam-esque product or not, they best not change their cups. They're probably the bestest fast food cups out there as they keep your beverage insulated awesomely and don't sweat.

6) You Can't Do That On Televsion. The original "Green" show... Green slime that is. I REALLY want it on DVD because that was a huge part of my childhood. It was an awesome show!! I don't quite understand why I wanted to be on that show and say "I don't know..." (although, it explains a lot about me now... and SHUT UP!) And, it basically made Nickelodeon... Not that Nick is really worth much now...

Yes, I moved from being environmentally friendly to not to a random childhood television show. Sue me!

Short people got no reason to live...

2010-02-10T12:49:00.004-05:00

Maybe it's the same "sir-cuss" that was at Princess Sparklepant's employment place, maybe not.

But, anyways, there's a circus here in the general vicinity of where I work. So close that I can see the tents where the aminals are (will be?) in this freezing weather on my way to the Pigeon Pit where I park.

But, that concept is only a small factor in this blog posting.

A coworker and I took a field trip earlier today. On the way back from the Pigeon Pit, we shared an elevator with a couple of circus folk.

The guy was a little shorter than average with GIANT Elvis hair. I mean, it had to be at least six inches tall. But he didn't use grease to make it stay in place, it was probably a lot of White Rain. I REALLY wish I had asked if I could take his picture because I've never seen hair that high on a man. Not even in 70's movies!

The girl looked like she had just came out of Little Five Points (Or, if you're in Boston, Newbury Comics).

Anyways, she turns to him and asked, "If you discriminate based on race, it's racism and you're called a racist. What's it if you discriminate against a midget?"

Elvis-dude looked a little perplexed and said "Midgetism?"

I had to put my two cents in and say "Heightism?"

We departed and I came back to my desk and had to Google it. There was no definitive answer when I searched for "What's it called when you discriminate against a midget?"

Then I decided "If anyone should know, it'd be HR!" So, I emailed a friend of mine's wife who works in HR here at The Company (I haven't officially met her yet because she was busy giving birth at my last Partay).

Then I decided "Yahoo Answers has a bunch of silly things asked, let's see what they say!"

I posted this question and eventually came up with some answers. (I love the response "Snow White")

It seems I was right!

So, there you have it. Apparently Randy Newman is a heightist!

And I just got a response from HR -- she says:

The word for someone who discriminates against “little persons” that comes to my mind would be bigot. Thoughts? Maybe not strong enough?

I'm gonna wet myself laughing so hard!

More with the Morning Show

2010-02-01T12:31:00.004-05:00

For some reason I decided to parooze the Kicks Morning Show web site. After the Twitter conversation I had with @ATLCadillac, I apparently had a hugely blond moment.

You see, I've been listening to the Morning Show since I moved to Atlanta. Way back when, it was Moby in the Morning. (Trivia: I won tickets from him 'cuz I Stumped Moby with a joke. Maybe one day I'll tell the joke). I even was enjoying Bandy and Bailey while they were in Atlanta. Then Cadillac and Kristen I thought were the pair to do me in until some random shake-up happened and I got Cadillac and Dallas. Oh, and Tug. Without Tug, all the judges on Make Us Say WOW Wednesday would be nice! :) (Which reminds me, I need to get time to call in my WOW story)

Let me tell you, there can't be a better Morning Show in the world! You think your morning show is better? It's not possible! I mean I have had TEARS rolling down my face from laughter. It's not easy to shave in the mornings with the radio on sometimes because I'm fearful of slicing my throat.

Anyways, I'm paroozing the Morning Show site and there's a picture of the morning show personalities, and one who's name I don't seem to recognize.

So, I tweet Mr. Cadillac Jack and ask him:

SmplyUnprdctble @ATLCadillac Who is this "Greg" person who's pictured on the Morning Show page that I've never heard of?

ATLCadillac @SmplyUnprdctble Greg Talmadge - does traffic for us every morning... been with KICKS for 20 years

SmplyUnprdctble @ATLCadillac Oh! Him! I thought he was imaginary and you've been using random traffic reports from the past since it's always the same! :)

SmplyUnprdctble @ATLCadillac Also, tell your web peeps Greg needs a page! I demand it!

Seriously -- I don't know how I forgot Greg. Most likely it's because I don't pay attention to the traffic because it seems to be out of date by the time it gets on the air (*references my reply about traffic always being the same*). Plus, he doesn't quite get the same amount of air time as Caddy and Dallas and Tug. I demand he get integrated into the show more! :)

Ok, so you want to hear the joke I won with? Well, today's your lucky day.

Back in 1977 (just barely before I was born), when the first Star Wars movie initially came out, Chewbacca won an award.
You know what that award was?
Wookie of the Year!

Now, no beating me for the joke. I made it up myself.

Pickle Puffer

2010-01-29T14:09:00.003-05:00

This morning, I was listening to the Kicks 101.5 Morning Show with Cadillac Jack and Dallas, like I do every morning while I'm primping myself for work.

Ok, I gotta confess -- I don't listen to all the show -- just the couple minutes I catch when the snooze ends on my alarm and whist I'm in the bathroom showering and such and getting dressed. I have XM for my trip to work.

Anyways, I guess Dallas brought in Adam Lambert's CD for Flush the Format this morning (I don't know the whole back story, I was snoozing and the like). And then calls started rolling in.

One of the callers said something like "I don't care what the pickle puffer does."

And I think Dallas said "Wow, that's a new one!"

I stared at the radio.

Being a homosexical myself, my inclination should have been "I'm offended" -- but I continued to stare and was like "I LOVE that term!" (I guess it's 'cuz I'm an equal opportunity offender). I have to not only thank the caller for using that term, but thank the Morning Show for airing it! (although, I'm sure they probably got a number of complaints that it got aired on the radio. I say "get a life" to them!)

I love it when media gets a little edgy on a topic. I'm not saying to go over the top and call someone a Lint Licker or Cootie Queen, but push the envelope just enough. And if you push the envelope enough times, things will become socially acceptable and all these prejudices will go away!

Just friggin' fix it!

2010-01-22T09:34:00.005-05:00

First, you never argue with a customer when missing data is the problem! No matter what the reason is!

Stupid idiot in IT (aka, "THOSE PEOPLE") is pissing me off!

Background: We ran our process to copy our Budget data into our reporting cube. One entire source database did not make it into our reporting cube, along with three business units from another source database.

I log a ticket with IT and they come back with "Oh, we found the problem, we'll fix it."

They do their business and I rerun the process and it fixes the big problem, but we're still missing the three business units from the other database.

A little back and forth and I get a response saying "The data has to be sourced somewhere else because we're excluding it in our export from the other database"

I respond with "That's the only location of the data. When can we get this resolved?"

He calls me and says "I don't understand your problem."
I have to explain AGAIN that there is missing data from our process and he pulls out the whole "Well, the code is doing what it's programmed to do" BS. I continue to argue.

He pulls out this whole "Well, somebody UAT'd it, so it had to be right. That means this is going to be an enhancement."
Then I ask "What's the Forecast process doing?"
"The same thing this one is doing"
"That's not possible!" I rebut.

I ask him to verify... then he comes back with "oh. it's different."

DON'T QUESTION ME, EVEN IF I DIDN'T WRITE IT! I was able to tell you something was different from the get-go! JUST FRIGGIN' FIX IT!

Duck Season! Wabbit Season! Tax Season!

2010-01-21T11:18:00.003-05:00

Oh joy of joys, it's tax season. I'm sure Ken Jennings will forever remember H&R Block now...

Anyways, The Company put out our W2s online this week, so I started to do my taxes (and was close to getting a final number until I realized The Suffix owes me a W2 for a few weeks of severance last year). And I started looking at numbers that made absolutely no sense.

I know what my yearly salary should be (approximately).

I looked at my W2 and it was about 7.5% less than my yearly salary. Then I looked at my final paycheck of the year and it was 11.5% less than my yearly salary. That's quite a lot. I mean, we're talking about 42 days worth of salary appears to be missing in my YTD total.

So, I started doing math. I multiplied my bi-weekly rate by 26. I got approximately my salary. That made no sense to me how the numbers could be off that much.

I contacted Payroll and their response was "Your W2 amount is your yearly salary less your pre-tax items." -- That was fine, but what about the missing 11.5%?

They started looking at things for me, but I got antsy. So I started pulling up my paychecks.

I found my starting base bi-weekly amount and discovered I had four paychecks at that rate. Then I found my increase rate and had 22 at that rate. Mathed them up and bam, I got my yearly salary. But, it didn't match my final paycheck of the year.

Then I looked at my paychecks closer. Apparently on my fourth paycheck of the year my payroll company changed from The Company, Inc to The Company Finance & Accounting. I did some quick math and discovered that three paychecks at The Company, Inc totals the amount missing from my final paycheck of the year. Pulled up my Feb 20 paycheck and lo and behold, my YTD totals got reset.

I did further math and found my W2 does indeed match the totals from the two payroll companies less my pre-tax items, so that makes me feel better on my return. Now I just gotta wait for The Suffix to send me off my W2 so I can get my taxes filed.

In other news, I'm trying to find ways to get more deductions without stretching them too much. I know I can deduct a portion of my cell phone bill and DSL because I use them for work as unreimbursed expenses. Part of me thinks if I put work email on my phone I can deduct a portion of the Internet portion of the plan, but I'm thinking that may be stretching it a tad... plus, I don't want people to know I have the ability to be constantly available.

I've tried to count Bradley as a dependent, but, alas, he has no social security number. I find that unfair!

My mortgage interest is getting me quite a nice deduction, methinks. Obviously, it's nowhere near the amount that's getting paid into it, but every little bit helps.

Anyone got any other ideas of deductions I should try to go for? If not this year, next year?

I'm starting to understand Mother?

2009-12-28T12:19:00.002-05:00

Happy Holi-daze season!

I just want to update my six readers with the banter from my holi-daze.

Christmas Eve, the gaybors invited me over for Christmas Eve dinner. It was pretty cool. I somehow ate too much, but not sure how as I barely ate anything. Dessert was AWESOME! They went to Swinging Richards afterwards, but I declined that offer.

Christmas Day, I spent with my friends Kurt and Heidi. I used to work with Kurt a few years back (he left The Suffix quite a bit before The Suffix decided to lay me off -- He's also a HUGE Star Wars geek). It was fun catching up with him, and Heidi made an AWESOME dinner and I made my pineapple bacon pound cake. It kinda fell apart a little, but it still tasted AWESOME!

There was one amusing anecdote from the evening. Straight married men are so funny when they get trained that everyone is apparently married. He kept asking me questions in plural ("Where do you two live?") and I kept responding in singular ("Well, *I* live over off of..."). He didn't quite get it.

On the first day of Kwanzaa, Eleven and her husband hosted a Kwanzaa party. It was awesomeness full of non-PC-ness. I mean, we had a catfish fry for it. We would have had watermelon also, but it's out of season. Also, there was a Caucasian Pachyderm Gift Exchange. I brought the same thing I brought to the office Caucasian Pachyderm Gift Exchange: A Flush Light. The funny thing is it was actually STOLEN during the gift exchange by someone when their turn came up. I was highly amazed at that. I first had a Wolf in Sheep's Clothing hat that apparently came from China. It was a wolf hat that had a sheep level that could be put up there. Or you could be a sheep in wolf's clothing :) It got stolen from me and I ended up getting beard trimmer in the end. Which I did post-trading to get some Glitter Star thinggie from Pier One.

After all this, though, the scariest thing happened. I began to understand Mother a little. See, she calls all her bar friends her brother or sister or mom or dad. It's quite disturbing. Anyways, after spending the holi-daze with my close friends, I realized they're like family. It (in a small way) left me into the idea that Mother views all her "bar family" as really close friends and that's why she calls them as family names. Of course, I don't quite go to the level of calling my awesome friends as "My Brother" or "My Sister", but they're like my little extended fambly here in Georgia (and in Louisiana 'cuz those fambly members decided to leave me, but I digress).

So, Merry Holi-daze to my local extended fambly! I love y'all!

Way too quiet!!

2009-12-23T11:37:00.004-05:00

So, as the year winds down, fewer and fewer people are in the office.

Today, on our half of the floor we have four people here. FOUR! Two of us are the Systems Team, so that means there's two financial analysts here. And they're really not doing anything*. I'm the point person for support on the Schedules until the first of the year. There's been a couple little things going on, but nothing major. I'm ready to fall asleep.

I did show everyone this year's picture with Santa!

Awesome, eh? Yeah, I had to de-red-eye both of us, but still... not bad for one of those regular digital photos. I do miss the Atlanta Humane Society doing their Pictures with Santa event. Hopefully when we get out of this "Economic Recession" it will resume.

Anyways, it's been quiet, so that is all the update you'll get now.

*Note: I do not know if they're REALLY not doing anything. They could be working their little hineys off. But there doesn't seem to be much going on.

'Tis the season to be jolly!

2009-12-10T10:15:00.003-05:00

It's that time of year. And I just completed my Christmas Cards (did I miss someone? It's probably because I don't have your address and therefore YOUR fault! :)). At the end of the everything, I totaled it all up. In total, I spent about $100.42* in sending out cards. That includes everything from the sitting fee for pictures with Santa, the actual photos themselves, the cards, and the stamps (good GOLLY stamps... I remember when they were 23 cents!). Oh wait, there were some 8x10s in the photo prints fee, so it's probably closer to like $88.28*.

Anyway, I was talking with our Admin and she said $100 is way too excessive to do for Christmas.

But, if you break it down, I sent out 68 cards (which means I have 12 stamps left and can send 12 more out as I have about that many cards left also). So, 88/68 = $1.30 per person in cards.

It doesn't seem so ridiculous when you hear that number. Until you break out the percentages of what is what.

Stamp = 41%
Photo = 29%
Card = 30%

It's sad to think that the smallest item in the whole card ordeal costs the most!

Our Admin also insists that in future years electronic cards should be sent instead of traditional mailed cards. I have two problems with this:

1) My sister and I have a contest every year to see who gets the most cards mailed to them. Whoever gets the most wins Xmas!

B) There's something awesome about getting a physical card that you can display within your home.

Anyway, Happy Christmas to all y'all and if you don't think you're getting a card from me because I don't have your address, maybe you should use the Google Voice widget over there --> and leave me a voicemail with your address!

*And this does not include the awesomely printed label costs

I told you, I'm not on call anymore!

2009-12-04T10:44:00.004-05:00

So, last night I'm sleeping. Having an awesome dream that may or may not have involved Jensen Ackles. And all of a sudden, I hear my phone go off.

Now, my phone hasn't gone off in the middle of the night for over a year. In my previous employment with The Suffix, I was one of those people that was on call every now and then (seemed more "now" than "then", but I digress). And when the phone rang, we had to get things fixed. When we were on call, sometimes we slept, sometimes we didn't.

For SEVERAL months after I ~~left~~ was forced out of The Suffix, I was unable to sleep with my phone in the same room as me for fear of it ringing. Finally, that unsubstantiated fear has gone away and I now use my phone as a backup alarm.

Anyways, my phone is ringing and I slowly get out of my dream mentioned above. And I am trying to figure out what's going on and I realize it's my phone. I look at it and see it's one of my coworkers from The Suffix. The phone stops ringing before I can think about getting to it and I go back to bed.

This morning, I send said former coworker friend a text message. Here's the conversation:

Me: Did you forget I'm no longer on-call? What was up with that call missed call from you at Midnight:05?
Her: I was updating your contact info and pressed the # instead od 'edit' first! Sorry!
Her: Of
Me: Aahh -- I heard phone ringing and was like "WTF?" and saw it was you and was like "Excuse me?" -- but was too unconscious to do anything about it.
Me: I was like "Did Product blow up and She have no idea how to fix it?" :)
Her: I'm glad you didn't answer. I was going to apologize
Her: :D
Me: No worries -- I've gotten a good laugh about it (and soon to be another when I blog it)

Yeah.... so, calls in the middle of the night kinda scare me still!

And there were marines -- and trophies!

2009-12-03T19:19:00.003-05:00

Yeah -- so there was an event at The Company today that involved a Toys for Tots collection. And there were marines that were there to collect the toys. And I drooled.

Then, as part of the event, there was trivia.

At the end of the first round, we were proud to not be in last place! At the end of the second round, the same was said. Then it got worse.

That's right, we were in last place!

And we didn't quite get any additional points in round three. Or round four. So, for the final question, we went with big strategy! Wager the maximum points and go for the gusto to have the lowest score!

And then there was the awards -- First place got some awesome trophies and what looked to be a gift certificate. And last place got trophies as well.

I present to thee, my trophy!

Fun was had by all!

Yen Dollars! Get your Yen Dollars!

2009-12-03T11:26:00.004-05:00

So, as part of my job, I create accounts and departments and other items of metadata for The Company. The requests come in, are reviewed by the Governance Team, and sent to my team for actual creation.

Within a request today, the following was the purpose of a new account:

"A new bank account in JPY Dollars is at Citibank for this new BU, a balance sheet account is required to capture the activities of this bank account."

Yeah. That's what I said as well.

*hangs head in shame*

I can't stand it anymore!

2009-12-02T12:27:00.004-05:00

So, I had yet ANOTHER discussion about random things with coworkers and more items that they haven't seen (and in some cases HEARD of), so I decided to start making a list *points over to sidebar*.

I can't believe some of the things they haven't experienced! And these people think Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey are funny. They haven't experienced good humor!

Ungrateful Craigslist Bastards!

2009-11-29T22:38:00.002-05:00

So, I've converted from the "traditional" Christmas lights to LED lights.

Which means I have approximately 1200 lights to get rid of. (yeah, I'm a light whore on my tree)

I placed an ad on Craigslist for these used lights to help someone out. I figure they cost approximately eight cents a light based on retail prices, so that's about $100 in lights I'm trying to get rid of.

My price? $20. (They're used!)

Anyways, someone calls me. We'll say her name is Rachel for anonymity sake (oh wait, that really is her name. Sue me!).

Anyways, she informs me I'm some sort of God-Send because I have these lights available for her. She asks if I'll send her some directions to my place and she'd come by Tuesday to pick them up during my work from home day.

Mind you, this is a savings of approximately $100 from retail for a used product. That's a savings of like 80%. Clark Howard would be proud.

Anyways, I send her the directions and several (7?) hours later she replies saying she will pass on the lights because she thought I would be closer to her.

The problems I have are as follows:
1) The ad has my location in it
b) She said she was in Douglasville. That's approximately a half hour drive from here
iii) I would like to think a half hour drive each way would be more than worthwhile to save $80. Gas prices aren't THAT high.

I swear, I hate Craigslist flakes!

Am I being a little excessive here? Or am I semi-in-the-right?

Cashflow

2009-11-26T12:10:00.002-05:00

So, a few friends invited me over last night for game night.

Expecting something like Chutes and Ladders, Life, or Fluxx. Instead, we got Cashflow. (Apparently it was their homework to play it a few times as part of some investing thing they're wanting to do).

The concept behind Cashflow is to "get out of the rat race." -- it's part Monopoly, part Life, and part work. Yes, work. You have to keep a Financial Statement about yourself... And get it audited! (Do I have E&Y written on my forehead?)

I started out semi-over-analyzing things -- like why my debt wasn't going down when I made my "monthly payments" as spent my expenses on Pay Day. But, once I got to the point where I ignored my standard financial logic, I got into the game.

We played for a few hours and then we all were getting tired. I was declared the winner because I was the closest to getting out of the Rat Race (where your passive income is greater than your monthly expenses).

Of course questions of my background came up to see my "personality type" to help me get where I got in the game. Apparently some of my business background from my alma mater helped. And a lot that I learned on my own as I was buying my house (there's a lot of real estate transactions in the game).

Then I started to think -- that's not my personality in everyday life. I don't think. It would be great if I could find a way to incorporate that person into my persona, but I'd need to figure out how. Then who knows what could happen!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-25T18:51:00.002-05:00

Not much exciting has been going on. Well, it has, but things I won't be putting in the blog. We'll see what happens.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas was on TBS Sunday. I was all excited to watch it. I don't care if it's before Thanksgiving.

So, Eleven invited me to Thanksgiving tomorrow. I volunteered to make a pineapple bacon pound cake. For some reason everyone's all over it. It's in the oven now. I can't wait to see how it comes out because I'm working on perfecting the recipe.

I haven't decided if I'm doing Black Friday shopping yet. I usually do, but I haven't found anything I want yet. It's driving me a little batty.

Until then, MERRY THANKSGIVING!

365 Days

2009-11-18T08:48:00.004-05:00

So, yesterday marked 365 days with The Company. I thought about saying "525,600 minutes," but that would have inferred I worked that many minutes, and we all know that could never happen!

In fact -- *does math* -- given the assumption I only work eight hour days, I've never lasted at a company for 525,600 minutes. The Suffix was close though. Especially with all those LONG nights I put in to make sure THOSE PEOPLE got their Forecast and Budget systems. But, I digress.

Yesterday was also my work from home day, so when I came into work today, I got the following card on my desk:
And, on the inside:
Yes, I blurred out my name, but left everyone else's in tact. It's just another way to keep y'all from knowing who I really am!

Yes, we all enjoy having to fill out Birthday and Anniversary cards for EVERYONE. There's times where we get like eight in a month, it seems (and for a team of like 20, it gets annoying).

And, yes, Bob did say "Happy birthday" -- he's one of those people who is crazy and jealous of my craziness. Kinda like Monk and Harold Krenshaw.

So, I made it to the 1-year point with The Company. I'm definitely hoping to make it a few more!

Freaky Voicemail Message

2009-11-11T11:41:00.008-05:00

So, I recently added a Google Voice link to my blog over to the right. Oh, you didn't see it? Well, look over there *points -->*

Anyways, don't even think about trying to use it to prank call me in the middle of the night. Why? Because the widget is set to go straight to voicemail when someone attempts to call. Period. At any hour of the day. I'm not THAT crazy to let total strangers call me in the middle of the night! (Much less, if I get called in the middle of the day while I'm at work by one of my seven fans -- yes, that's right.. I apparently am up to seven readers now. One day I might get as many fans as ChickenPopPod. Pshyeah, right! I'm not cool enough.)

But, I guess someone tried to do it. At least, that's the best I can determine as there's no missed calls on my cell phone.

So, at 12:13am today, I got the voicemail I'm going to share with y'all below:

Yeah -- I think someone was trying to prank me and it didn't quite work. And seriously -- Laundry is who gets to pick up the phone at 12:13am?

So, while I have y'alls attention, I think you should send me a nice voicemail. And give me suggestions as to what my outgoing message for it should be. I wish I could upload an .mp3 file for the voicemail, but Google Voice doesn't allow that. Otherwise people might end up hearing the chorus from the best music video ever:

(Also, if you want a Google Voice account, you'll have to leave me a voicemail proclaiming why you think you should get invited -- along with your name and email address so I can send it off to anyone that gets deemed worthy. At this moment, I have one invite remaining until they replenish me.)

So. Do it now. Call me! And if your voicemail is cool enough, you might just hear it later in the blog!

Also, I ate out three females

2009-10-18T11:08:00.000-04:00

So, I went out with a group of awesome friends last night for my birthday at the Hu Ke Lau. Big fun was had by all!

We got there and had some foodstuffs. Triple Lobstah, to be exact! Oohh, it was good. Except, out of the twelve lobstahs that came out on the table, I managed to somehow get three chicks.

They had good drinks also. Very good drinks!

After dinner, they brought out the awesome carrot cake Carla bought for my birthday (it's healthy 'cuz it has carrots in it!). Awesome happy birthday montage and everything. Needless to say it wasn't just my birthday, but it was great!

After cake, they asked for people to come up on stage to learn some traditional dance. Of course, I was invited up, and we were dancing while waiting for the lessons:

Shut up! I know I can't dance! (more about that in a minute)

Anyway, we're introduced to the "Fruit Salad" dance. Here's a little preview of us learning:

That's where things take a twist. Apparently as we're "Fruit Salading", one of the hula dancers brings me back stage. I was hoping to come across the hot male dancer, but, alas no. I was placed into costume and informed she and I were going to go out and perform some special dance.

While all that happened, my sistah apparently got to learn another fruit salad:

Then it happened -- I was told we're going to go out on stage and perform the special dance.

"Are you ready?"

"Uh..."

And I'm thrown out in the middle of the stage like some bad sitcom. Spotlight on me. I have no idea what's going on. So, I start dancing (again, shut up!)

Oh yeah, I was bad!

Finally, chickie showed up and we did our thing. It was pretty fun:

At the end, there was a huge bump with me in the middle. Carla informs me some guy just gawked insanely and she had to holler "BUT HE'S GAY!"

In all, I've decided I have awesome friends up here that I totally miss while I'm in Hotlanta. Maybe I can convince some of them to come down for a visit! :)

My own mother didn't recognize me!

2009-10-16T20:11:00.000-04:00

So, I did it again. I showed up unannounced.

I flew into Boston Logan International Airport yesterday afternoon. I stayed with a pair of awesome friends of mine in Portsmouth, NH for the night. We went out for twin lobstah to celebrate my birthday. It was GOOOOD!

Then I got up this morning (which coincidentally is my birthday) and saw a tweet from my sistah saying it's snowing. I laugh at her and log into my AIM account and head towards Western Massachusetts.

During the drive, she and I have a bit of conversation (heaven bless technology allowing me to AIM from my phone to eliminate any potential suspicion). When I arrive in town, I show up at her place d'emploi and get to the top of the stairs and proclaim, "You know why it's snowing, right?"

I could tell she was about to say "No, why?" -- but she pauses and stares for a moment and goes "YOU JERK! You need to quit showing up unannounced!"

I told her we needed to come up with some way to surprise Mother. I told her to make some excuse to go to WalMart or something.

Then, I decided it was Nan's turn. I thought about calling her, but decided I'd knock. I'd be good.

When I got there, my cousin and his son had just arrived and she was closing the door. I said "Heylo!"

Nan (in her 85 years on this earth) was a little startled as she turned around to see what was going on. She got all excited and I gave her a hug and was like "Don't collapse on me! Don't collapse on me! Don't collapse on me!"

I sit and talk to her for a bit and she said she had to go get a nerve pill thanks to me. I know, I'm a bad grandson.

My sister got home and said she told Mother that she wanted to go to WalMart after her husband got home. I told her that was too late. But! My sister knew which bar Mother was in, so we decided to just go there and show up.

I would TOTALLY have video this time, but my camera's battery was dead (some idiot didn't check to make sure the camera was in the "off" position when arriving in NH).

Since we all know all about my mother, I'm not even going to go into the details back story.

We walk into the bar and Mother's back is turned. Sistah is motioning the "shh" symbol telling everyone to be quiet. I put my arm around Mother and say "Well hello!" and give her a kiss.

Sis comes right behind and we're having a jolly old time talking. I make comments about "No heart attacks this time?" and talk about various things from the last visit and she's clueless. After about two minutes I say, "What? No happy birthday?"

She rebutes with "It's your birthday too.... You f**ker! What are you doing here?"

I start laughing and go "What, you didn't recognize me?"

"Nope! I was gonna call <sister's> later and ask who came here with her and gave me a hug and kiss."

HOW EMBARASSING! Not even recognizing you!

It was a sad sad day

2009-10-09T14:00:00.000-04:00

One year ago today was very tragic in my life. We still haven't come up with a name for it because nothing goes well with "Thursday" to acknowledge how horrible it really was.

You see, one year ago today, I went to work at The Suffix in a very unsuspecting manner. I was happy-go-lucky trying to get systems to be all happy and cooperative and stuff like that. It was great.

Then 2:00 came and everything changed.

On my calendar was a 1-on-1 meeting with my manager. It was initially scheduled for Tuesday, but got shifted to Thursday. Not usually a big deal. The meeting was also changed from a conference room on our floor to a conference room in the basement. That was weird, but I figured nothing was available upstairs.

At 2:30, I headed downstairs and entered the Red Oak Conference Room and saw two people -- my manager, and our HR representative. "This can NOT be good, I thought."

I was informed that due to the current economic crisis, my position was being eliminated. My manager left the room and I was sitting with HR.

She explained what was going to go on. As of Halloween, I would be severed. They asked if I'd continue to work until the end of the month, but work more on focusing to find a new position. Anything I had to do for this came first, and The Suffix work came second. We went through the standard paperwork and the first thing I noticed was my age on one of the forms would be wrong as of the layoff date. She inquired and I said "Next week's my birthday. Happy birthday, I'm getting laid off!"

I kept as much composure as I could and went back upstairs. I happened across Princess Sparklepants and she was like "Do you need to go for a walk?" I responded "YES!"

We went outside for a few minutes and she was apologizing left and right. She said she knew and it was killing her that she couldn't tell me. I told her I was glad she didn't because I didn't want her to risk her job. And, to this day, I think she's awesome in the fact she didn't let anything on. I know much it hurt her to be on the inside with bad news about the people she cares about.

I went back upstairs and packed up for the day. I walked outside and called my chiropractor and asked if I could see her early. She asked if everything was ok, and I said no. She asked what was wrong and I said I couldn't say at the moment. Of course, her next response was "I'll be at the office in ten minutes." (I love her for that!)

I met her at her office and she asked what was wrong. I let out the water works and started bawling on her shoulder (which isn't difficult when I'm 6'1" and she's 5'3 3/4"). She keeps trying to figure out what's going on and I finally muster out "I'm being laid off."

We talk for a bit and she kinda cheers me up, but not really. I went home called a few people to give them the bad news, went to my favoritest chinese restaurant with a friend, posted this, then went to bed all depressed.

I mean, what was going to happen to me? To Bradley? To my house? I was beyond lost.

Friday, I got up and moped around. I started working on my resume (too bad I didn't think of a video resume....), and was getting more and more depressed. Then, out of the blue, I had a great idea! I was going to throw a party to celebrate the fact I was getting laid off! Thus birthed the "I'm over it" phase of it all.

I started basic planning of that, and tried to see what else I could do.

The following Monday, I showed up at work (mainly to provide the face time -- not really wanting to focus on The Suffix work), and played around with my resume. I stopped by friends desks and informed them of the news if they hadn't heard yet. The composure came and went, but nothing came bigger than eyes swelling up with tears.

That Wednesday was the 15th, and my standard work from home day. So, I got all settled in and was playing with my resume.

About 12:45, I logged onto computerjobs.com and searched for my specialty. The first posting I saw I was like "I can do this!" and sent in my incomplete resume. I've sent in thousands of resumes in the past to these recruiters only to have them ignored, so what's one more incomplete resume?

At 1:00, I had to hop on a conference call (That I didn't want to be on), and call waiting kicked in. I answered it and it was the recruiter. He asked if I had time to talk and I told him I was on a conference call, but can hang up with them to talk. We had a conversation about how much he liked my skills and wanted to present my resume to the client. I said "Ok" and he informed me the client was The Company.

I was like "you're kidding, right?"

"No -- why?"

"I've wanted to work for The Company for YEARS! In fact, I've joked with The Suffix that the only way I'd willingly leave them was for The Company!"

He said he'd give me a call back and work on when I can interview.

Hope began to spark. I told a few people I had an interview coming up.

The following Monday I had the interview. And I thought it went BAD. HORRIBLY! So wrong that I didn't even call the recruiter back after it. Tuesday, the recruiter calls me and asks how it went. I informed him "Horrible -- worst interview of my life."

The next words out of his mouth were quite odd to hear: "Weird. They said they like you and want you to come back for another interview."

"Dude, this is no time to play with my emotions."

"No, seriously. They like you."

I'm flabberghasted, and get a second interview set up for the following Monday. This time, it was a lunch interview (Gee... not only is there pressure to be personable, but I have to EAT in a monkey suit as well?).

The following Monday I had said interview, and we went out to lunch and the theme was Italian. "Great... I'm going to be in the monkey suit AND have to deal with Italian food? PLEASE DON'T LET ME DROP FOOD.. PLEASE DON'T LET ME DROP FOOD!"

The lunch interview went great. So great that I forgot I was wearing the monkey suit. After lunch, we headed over to HR with that portion of the interview. Hiring manager said there was a second contendor for the position and her second interview was the next day and Wednesday or Thursday I should hear. Of course, mentally I'm like "Are they going to hire the homosexual or the female?"

The logistics are talked out with HR, and I head home and get out of the monkey suit. I talk with recruiter dude and he heard good things, so it's the waiting game.

Wednesday came and went.
Thursday came and before it went, I emailed the recruiter asking if he heard anything. Bad news -- there was some sudden budget deadline that appeared and they wouldn't make a decision 'til Friday or Monday.

I think to myself, "How hard is it to say 'Hire Smply'?"

I'm talking with a coworker at The Suffix and he tells me my name's being said a lot in HR. I try to figure out how he knows that until I realize his wife works for HR in The Company. He didn't know much but my name being said, so I thought that was positive thoughts (or he was just lying to me to keep me in a positive mood).

Friday was not only Halloween, but my last day at The Suffix. I wrote my tearful goodbye email and had my exit interview (that ran long), and left. I got home and had absolutely nothing to do. Until I was invited out Trick or Treating by Beanie.

Somehow during Trick or Treating, I managed to collect a bag and actually start getting candy (which wasn't really impressive 'cuz it was stuff I wouldn't eat -- so much for collecting food for unemployment).

Saturday was the "Smply got laid.....off!" party. As my Furby would call it, "Big fun!" I even got a "RIP" tombstone from Party City and put The Suffix's logo under it. It was great!

Sunday I went to take down the black balloons from my mailbox and the dog groomer was at gaybor's house and said "Someone had a big birthday..." -- I replied "nope, I had a 'I got laid off' party" -- her look was priceless!

Monday, I woke up and went downstairs and started working on my resume. Bradley was very confused as to why I wasn't at work. About noon, I finally decided to hop in the shower. When I got out, I emailed the recruiter asking if he had heard anything. Fifteen minutes later, my phone rang and it was him.

He started all the smalltalk that I HATE! Asking how my weekend was and all that jazz. "GET TO THE POINT!" I wanted to demand, but I was being nice.

He finally got around to the meat of the conversation: "So, do you still want to work for The Company?"

"Um, yes!"

"Well, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is they really like you and would like to extend you an offer."

"Ok....?"

"And the bad news is they don't want to pay you what you asked. They want to pay you more."

Of course, it wasn't extensively more, but I was happy with the number they came up with (Heck, I was happy with the number I came up with). We talked through logistics and I told him I would prefer to take two weeks off before so I could scare my fambly.

In any event, it was a sad sad day a year ago today. But everything turned out for the better. It's great to have friends and fambly (and friends who are basically fambly) out there to reach out for support!

I'm a Star!!

2009-10-01T08:53:00.008-04:00

Or at least that's what I'm now told. We know I don't like to toot my own horn, but this was just overly exciting.

I came into work this morning with the following email in my inbox (Ok, names have been changed to protect identities):

From: FAStars
To: SmplyUnprdctble
CC: Boss, Boss's Boss
Subject: You've been recognized!

Congratulations, you have been recognized for your Above and Beyond achievements. Your efforts will also be considered for a Gold STAR award as a part of the Finance and Accounting STARS recognition program:

----------------------------------------------------------------
Recognized By: Boss's Boss

Headline: Schedule Design Innovator

Comments: The Schedules Database Project consisted of creating an Essbase cube, Oracle database, and web user interface designed to automate the schedule consolidation and reporting process. This project currently encompasses over 25 CP&R and Tax schedules, including variance reports and censuses. The new database is expected to save CP&R, Tax, and segment consolidation groups countless hours of consolidation time in critical close periods as well as enhance schedule accuracy, security and review controls. Smply has made various outstanding contributions to this project such as: learning new software not currently employed in the company; modifying and creating new schedules for the software; ensuring that peers were trained on issue resolution and new processes; making creative and innovative solutions to handle schedule workflow issues and long running schedules for international users; extending the software capabilities by designing new ways to save, print, and debug issues. He has even been able to create new processes for solutions that the outside consultant from the software company could not provide. Smply was able to create a proof of concept solution for one of our issues within 24 hours while the outside consultant quoted a work effort of 2-3 months. Smply has made quiet but far-reaching contributions to this project that will be felt by everyone that uses the schedules database. He has been instrumental in making the CP&R Schedules Project a success. Great Job!!

----------------------------------------------------------------

If you are selected as a Gold Star winner you will be notified by your manager after quarter end.

Thank you for your contribution and for helping us set the standard for our 21st Century Finance Organization.

I was like "OMG! I'm excited!" Then I saw this email from the Director of the department:

From: SuperBigBoss
To: SmplyUnprdctble
CC: Boss, Boss's Boss
Subject: FW:

Smply:

I AGREE COMPLETELY!!! Thanks for the outstanding work on this project. You’ve provided creative solutions to our challenges, and have been a key to the success of this project from the beginning. Great job!

Dudes! I'm running around on cloud 9! The only thing that could make this any better is....

Yes, I know I'm evil!

2009-09-22T20:03:00.003-04:00

So, we all know I have this odd way of being crazy.

Along with this idea that I have interesting conversations.

Or leave people speachless.

And have really weird conversations like this and this.

Today, I was in Scumberland Mall. As I was leaving, I was ambushed by some girl at the Dead Sea Spa Kiosk. Obviously trying to make a sale.

She forced some of their salt scrub product in my hand and had me rub and exfoliate with it. She does her talking and I explain I don't like the oily feeling it leaves (I really don't. It's disgusting).

Then she starts to go on about how bad my manicure is.

I then have to inform her that the Korean ladies have been known to fight over who gets to do my nails because I have such soft and lovely hands.

Let's not forget she's keeps telling me that their product would end up causing all the girls to be after me. I giggled.

In order to get away from her, I decided I would inform her that I would be back for the holi-daze to buy something for my sister. THEN the pitch comes in. Normally the manicure product would sell for $59.99, but today only, she could sell it to me for $49.99. And today only, it would be BOGO, so I could get one for my mother!

That's when I decided to have at it.

I started tearing up. As the tears welled up, I told the girl that I my mother was no longer alive. I went on saying we were out at a great lobster restaurant and the lobster she picked broke out of it's claw bands and attacked her jugular, leaving the entire restaurant in a bloody mess. That, combined with dad's unfortunate incident with a cow, has caused me to have difficulty going to almost any restaurant without choking up.

The look on her face was priceless.

Of course, the story I told her isn't true. But it allowed me to get away from her and have a little fun at the same time!

Dudes, I am awesome beyond compare!

2009-09-11T17:08:00.003-04:00

Not that the Interwebs didn't already know that. But why this time?

Let's set the story. Picture it: The Company, Yesterday.

I'm sitting in a meeting with my boss, the project manager, and consultant dude. We're trying to figure out this whole "printing" situation that has existed in the system since the day it went into design with the consultant. You see, it's consultant's job to build us this awesome system where users can input data and it will consolidate up and save a lot of people a lot of time. One of the requirements has been the ability to save off all these data input sheets (something about SOX?), and TECHNICALLY we can do that from the get-go by opening up the sheets and doing a save-as, but that's a LOT of work when you have 30-50 of these submitted.

So, we're talking about ideas on how to get this created. I suggest an idea that is shot down by the consultant saying it will not work. I'm looking at the phone like "Why? It's... SIMPLE!"

A few more ideas come around and consultant basically says it's not possible without a total redesign of the system since it wasn't designed for this from the beginning (who's fault is that?). He said it would take 2-3 months to get this to work IF it was possible.

So, consultant dude basically said my idea can't be done, and the whole problem is probably not possible.

I don't take "NO" for an answer. (Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing).

So, I spent today seeing if my idea was actually feasible or not. It's not like I pushed off anything else I was working on (Ok, I pushed off a report, but it's technically not due 'til Monday and it takes 10 minutes to pull up).

After about an hour, I started thinking "Hrmm... this might actually work."

After two hours, I had a proof of concept that actually worked.

After about five hours, I had it fully built (and UNTESTED) with the exception of an integration into the web front-end (I don't even have access to that source code to even attempt to do that).

I fired an email off to my boss and the project manager with the output of my prototype saying "2-3 months went by quite quickly."

I haven't heard back from them (as one of them was on vacation today and the other was working from home and probably clocked out by the time I sen tthe email) yet, but I think they'll be quite pleased.

Email Time!

2009-09-04T09:04:00.004-04:00

This is the email my sister CC'd me on as she was sending it to a radio station. True story.

I only heard a brief segment of your phone-ins this morning about things being flushed down the story and what makes it worthwhile to fetch. It really brought me back to my childhood. I'm 28 right now. Let me tell you a story.

Quite a few years ago, when I was probably 8-10 years old, my brother (he is 3.5 years older than me) & I went trick-or-treating on Halloween and I always finished my candy before anyone else did so, it was probably a week after Halloween or so and I wanted some candy. So, what's a girl to do? She goes and asks big brother for some candy. You think he'd give me any? Of course not! SO, I had to put up a fight. I followed him around the house begging and finally followed him to just outside the bathroom door.

Here I am, outside the bathroom door banging on it saying, "Just a lollipop, all I want is a lollipop!" and hearing "no" as a response, SO, I kept it up, FINALLY he finished his business & pulled up his pants, so the door opened and he yells "FINE!" and flushes the toilet, reaches down just to the side of the toilet and pulls a dum dum pop out of his candy bucket, as he goes to hand it to me, it hits the flusher and falls in the toilet. The toilet is still flushing and he reaches his hand in the toilet and grabs the dum dum back out and tries to give it to me.

"EWWWWWWW! I'm not eating THAT! I want a CLEAN lollipop!" I said.

I never DID get a lollipop, but it brings tears of laughter to my eyes EVERY time that story is told.

So, for my brother, he'd sacrifice reaching in the potty to save a dum dum pop. Me, on the other hand, I've never reached in the potty, but I'd probably save my book or my cell phone LOL

Numbers Numbers Everywhere!

2009-08-31T09:48:00.002-04:00

Saturday, I truly learned how different this great city I live in is compared to most other places I've lived (and apparently a lot of other places in the country). And, not so much that, but how acclimated I've become to this place that it's difficult to think any other way.

I was selling a bunch of stuff on Craigslist that I have been trying to rid of for a while now. I figured it's college time, so students may be interested if they're going to be living off campus or something maybe. Yes, I know May is a betterer time, but still. I was busy in May. I'll continue until I get it sold, but that's not the story.

The person who wanted my entertainment tower set (ya know, the things that hold your TV and all it's components) was a very friendly Indian guy. He had just moved to the Atlanta area from Minnesota (I'm sure he's thankful he doesn't have to deal with THAT winter). Apparently his line of work what he does is moves to a new place, buys what he can to furnish an apartment cheap (hence Craigslist), and sell what he can at the end of his stay before moving on.

He came to my place (after getting lost, which brings to light more of the fact I can't get pizza delivered to my house) to take a look at the tower set and said he wanted it. The problem was he came in a sedan and couldn't fit it. He was going to have mover people transport it for him and he wanted to negotiate. I didn't want to drop my price, so I increased it a bit and said I would deliver it for him since I have a truck and he was only in Dunwoody. Yay, he agreed.

Then came the complicated part. I asked whereabouts in Dunwoody he lived. He started out with something that sounded like "take 285 to exit 24..." and my eyes glazed over. I had to stop him and say "Ok, don't do exit numbers, I don't know them. Only street names."

Unfortunately, he partially misunderstood me because he started to explain that 285 was an interstate.

I chuckled at our minor language barrier.

When we got on the same page, I learned where he lived and said I would deliver it the next morning.

Then I got to thinking what exactly changed?

Everywhere else I lived, I went by exit numbers. Easthampton, MA is exit 17B on I-91. The exit I lived on out of college was exit 20 off 95/128. The exit that was commonly taken by people to get to my college (until you knew the shorter ways) was 28A. These were numbers I lived by.

Until Atlanta.

I couldn't even TELL you the exit number I live off of (ok, there would be a number of exits to take depending on which direction you're coming, but that's another story). I know the names of the roads, but not the numbers.

People who are new to the area want exit numbers. They get mad when I tell them I don't know the numbers, but can give them the names of several exits before the one I want them to take.

I think the difference is the sheer size of the city. In any other place I've lived, an exit takes you in the general direction of a town or city. Here, the exit takes you to a specific road name (until you get a distance outside the city, then it's a combination of the two).

Another theory I have is the people. I think it was up until the '96 Olympics here, there were different exit numbers depending on which direction you were traveling that would get to the same location. One direction the exit for North Druid Hills would be Exit 89. The opposite direction it could be Exit 84 (There were some exits that only existed on one side of the Interstate, so the numbers got off). Based on this, I think people decided to give road names instead of numbers because it got complicated.

Whatever the reason is, I hope that traveling to other parts of the country again doesn't get me confused as I'm looking for friends places. Of course, the great thing is I now have a GPS which will reduce the chances of me getting lost.

....Now, if only pizza deliveries can start using GPS to deliver to me!

I love my dentist!

2009-08-27T10:03:00.004-04:00

Once upon a time, there was this boy. His parents didn't particularly bring him to the dentist as a child, so he didn't totally know what good oral hygene was. He wasn't big with brushing his teeth either.

During his last two years of high school, his grandmother made him go to the dentist. This dentist was a very scary man. So scary that when he would clean the boy's teeth, there would be chunks of gum tissue in the rinse-spit. And that second visit with the scary dentist, there was a cavity that needed filling. The scary dentist didn't even let the Novocaine set in prior to drilling.

Terrified, the boy didn't go to a dentist for about eleven years. And during these eleven years, the boy became a man.

Then the man decided he didn't want to be paying for dental insurance if he wasn't going to use it. With this thoughts, the man decided he wanted to find a dentist. But the man was too scared to do this alone.

One fateful spring day, the man went out to dinner with a group of people from the Gay and Lesbian Alliance club through work. At this dinner, he started talking with this other gentleman who knew of this awesome dentist. He talked very highly of her and said he did a lot of research even before going to her. He mentioned that she also is "family" and suggested the man go see her.

A few days later, the man mustered up some courage and dialed the phone to her office. The man had mentioned I think I need an appointment, and the receptionist said "how's tomorrow sound?"

That terrified the man. He's been afraid of dentists for eleven years and they want to see him the next day. He asked for something later, and they suggested the following day. He said "You don't understand. Don't you have something three years from now? I'm terrified."

The receptionist laughed and said the latest she would go is the following Monday because the man would have to get over his fear. Reluctantly, the man agreed.

The fateful day of the following Monday came and he met the dentist. She seemed nice enough. She also seemed intent that the man needed to have some root planing done. The man had no idea what this was and was shaken up. The dentist noticed this, so she prescribed something to calm the man's nerves during the procedure, forcing him to beg for rides since it would be done two quadrants at a time.

The day of the first fateful appointment, the man came in terrified. He had taken his "calm down" meds, but it didnt' seem to help. He got in the scary chair and she said they would numb him up for the scaling to reduce the amount of pain the man had to go through. A couple pinches later and the man could have been punched in the face and not felt it. They started scraping and everything and the man tasted blood left and right. Could this be a repeat of the last fateful dentist appointment? Determined to be brave, the man allowed things to continue.

There was also counting happening. Lots of 5's were mentioned. 5's are really bad, the man was told. It's the gap between the gumline and the tooth. The man was at serious risk of having major problems if things weren't taken care of. Also, there were cavities.

Slowly, the man and his dentist worked to resolve all the cavities, but the man still wasn't doing a lot on his own to keep brushing (much less flossing). He wasn't accustomed to doing it on a regular basis, so he kept forgetting. And one of the cavities was so deep that a regular filling didn't resolve it. The man needed a root canal!

The man was TERRIFIED. He had heard horror stories of root canals. He cried for the few minutes his dentist was away, but he braved up. The dentist started the procedure by numbing the man. All the man felt was a little bit of pressure while the nerves were removed. It wasn't so bad afterall.

The man slowly decided that he wanted to continue to keep his teeth. And the dentist gave a plan on things the man may want to do in order to make his teeth look awesome. This plan, however, was contingent on his gums getting better. So she sent the man to an awesome periodontist to help things out.

A few visits back and forth and the man's teeth started to be better. "Extreme Makeover Dental Edition" he called it. The man also purchased a Sonicare toothbrush to try to help. The man finally got on a regimen to brush his teeth on a nightly basis, and that helped. The dentist and periodontist was seeing an improvement, but kept telling the man he needed to floss more. The man wanted to, but he never felt like he needed it.

One day at work, the man got into a discussion with a coworker of his as to who had the more awesome dentist. They both argued back and forth for about two minutes until they decided to ask each other who the other's dentist was. Turns out they both visit the same dentist (and hygenist).

Then the man's teeth and gums got to a point where his dentist said they could do Invisaligns. The man wanted to have his teeth straightened as they looked horrible, so he agreed that's what they would do once he had a Flexible Spending Account to pay for it.

In the spring of 2009, the man went to the dentist and got fitted for his Invisaligns. That was an adventure as the two spent almost three hours taking impressions. But they got them and sent the impressions off to the powers that be. After about two months, the man was approved for Invisaligns and trays were created.

With the Invisaligns, the dentist informed the man that he would need to floss more. Specifically because he would feel ANYTHING stuck between his teeth. "Great!", the man thought, "This will help me get myself on track!"

The first week of Invisaligns, the man got on a regimen of brushing AND flossing after every meal. He was pulling out huge chunks of food he didn't realize were getting stuck between his teeth. One day, he ate a Big Mac and it seemed a whole head of lettuce came out from between his teeth. But, he was doing pretty good!

Now, it was Wednesday, August 26, and the man had another appointment with his awesome dentist. He had been brushing and flossing diligently since his last visit. He was on his 8th Invisalign tray and everyone was anxious to see the progress with the teeth. His hopes were that it was going to be an easy appointment. He anxiously sat in the chair and joked with his awesome hygenist about a few things. Then he sat back and let her have a look.

She started poking and prodding. "All 3's", she said. THREES! The man was excited he had threes! He thought he might have better numbers if his teeth weren't moving with the Invisaligns. He wasn't going to press it, though. He'll sit and wait until next year to see if he could get to 2's.

Then she was scraping around his teeth. And then she was done. He didn't feel a lot of scraping happening and she said there was very little tartar on his teeth and she didn't have to do much and she was going to polish him up and get the dentist to take a look. So, polishing she went.

While the hygenist was out of the room, the man happened to look down at his bib. There was NO blood on it. This was the first time EVER that the man had ever been to a dentist and not seen any blood on the bib. At ALL. He was excited. Then when the dentist came into the room he joked he didn't think the hygenist really did anything since there was no blood on the bib. They all had a great laugh.

The boy left the dentist's office with a huge smile on his face knowing that not only has his oral hygene improved, but his teeth are looking awesome!

The End.

In case y'all didn't know, that boy/man in the story was me. I was SUPER-EXCITED at my appointment yesterday at the progress I made. I even jumped up and down and gave my hot lesbian dentist and awesome hygenist a HUGE hug! And I'm not quite where I want to be yet!

...Now, if only I could lose some pounds... I need to find some way to convince myself to get to the gym and eat more fruits and vegetables...

"I think he's on drugs"

2009-08-13T09:15:00.004-04:00

So, one of my fellow Bentley Alumns (different year though) has been trying to land a job. I'm pulling for him (c'mon, his Musical Resume is wicked awesome. Someone needs to hire him NOW I say!).

Anyways, he just changed cellphone companies and I twittered that he can now get pranked by potential employers and that I had a story about my past similar. I thought I'd share (and for those of you who already know this story, SUFFER through it again!)

As my five readers (yes, I've somehow upgraded it seems) may or may not know, when I first moved to Atlanta, I had difficulties finding a position in the IT field. This was shortly after I lost my job in Boston due to the Dot-Com Bust. I was tired of Boston, so I moved to Atlanta. After SEVERAL months of searching (and a few interviews), I was getting desperate with money running out, so I applied for and got a position waiting tables at Waffle House.

Yes, I said it. Waffle House.

Don't believe me? Here's a pic or two:

I started working around Christmas time of '01 and spent thirteen LONG months there working the night shift (9pm-7am).

Now, enter December '02. My regular Waffle House schedule was Sunday-Wednesday 9pm-7am. I woke up that Wednesday night to go into work and I had no hot water. I called the emergency number for my apartment complex and they promised to have someone out first thing in the morning. Gee, I get to go to work unshowered. Luckily I showered that morning...

I worked my ten hours and left about quarter after seven. I stopped by Jesus Chicken on the way home to get my "breakfast-dinner" and I went home to wait for the hot water heater guy.

He showed up about 8:30 (Oh yeah, did I mention I complained loudly that I work nights and needed him to come as early as possible so I didn't lose much sleep?) and replaced my hot water heater. 11:30 he was done and I was PRAYING for the hot water to heat up so I could shower and go to bed. Noon I did one of those "quick showers" since I knew I had minutes of hot water then went to bed.

About 2:00pm my cell phone rings. I'm dead to the world at this point (as it's the equivalent of a "normal person" being called at 2am after getting to bed after midnight). I hear the words "health care" in the caller's greeting, so I go into "telemarketer mode" -- which is where I unconsciously answer all the questions and when they ask if I'm interested, say no. Hey, if you're gonna waste my time, I'm gonna waste yours.

Anyways, I get to the "Are you interested?" part of the conversation and I say "no." -- She asks why and states that it would be a great opportunity and I start to wake up and realize I had been on an initial phone screen interview. I explain the ordeal to the HR person and set up an interview for a few days later. (The company was basically a managed health care organization -- think nursing homes)

(That part of the story is the reason for the aforementioned Twitter update)

Of course, these interviews are AFTER my regular shifts at Waffle House, so I'm PRAYING I don't yawn or fall asleep during them.

My first interview was with the lead technical guy. It was a "how well do you interact" interview. The only thing I really remember from the event was him saying "eh" and I jokingly asked if he was from Canada. He made some snide "Stupid Americans" remark saying I wouldn't even know where Nova Scotia (the province he's from) was -- I proudly described it's location then informed him I cheated 'cuz my sister's husband's (ok, he wasn't husband at the time) family is from there.

The second interview was with the boss man. Again, one of those "how well do you interact" interviews. He also said his whole vision for the system they were creating.

Oh yeah, did I mention I NEVER dealt with the database software I was interviewing for? But they loved the fact I had a multi-dimensional background. Of course, I'm throwing out ideas that I pick up on things fast and am doing anything I can to get the position.

I'm asked back for a THIRD interview. This was when I interviewed back with Canadian on a more technical basis and then I got to talk with the two Financial Analysts I was going to support. Now, back to the idea I had NEVER dealt with (or even heard the word Essbase before), I'm supposed to be able to do some technical stuff with it? Ok, here goes.

Canadian is interested in my debugging skills. So he shows me some of the actual real-life calculation problems he's encountered with Hyperion's piss-poor compiler error messages as to what's wrong. I reiterated that I had never seen Essbase prior to this encounter, but was able to find all four problems in the four scripts he showed me (one he admitted it took him three hours to discover the problem and I found the missing semi-colon in thirty seconds).

I then got to sit with the Financial Analysts. Honestly, I didn't like them. They seemed snooty to me. (Later I realized how awesome and cool they were and admitted my first impression to them -- they said they get it all the time).

I then got called back for a FOURTH interview. Yes people, I said FOURTH. This is getting to be the equivalent of running 14-hour workdays in order to do the commutes and such.

The fourth interview I interviewed with the SVP of the Finance Dept (I wasn't in IT, I was in the Finance Dept as IT couldn't figure out the exact needs of the users). Dude told me it was between me and this other girl and told me I practically had the job, there was just logistics they had to go through. I'm wondering why he's telling me all this, and later hear him say he's leaving the company soon anyways, so he's wondering why he had to interview me. Gee.

I got home about noon after that interview and went to bed. For some reason I woke up about 2:30 and went downstairs (where my phone was charging) and I had a voicemail. It was the HR peeps from said company wanting to talk to me. I called them back and I got a job offer (after about a month of interviews).

Of course, when I went and told my manager at Waffle House, he BEGGED me to stay (apparently I was the ONLY one of his employees he could trust). I told him I couldn't because Waffle House didn't offer me the benefits and such that this new position. Not to mention daylight hours!

Fast forward one year. We're doing our celebrations of birthdays and anniversaries. Canadian dude proclaims the following story:

When we were looking to fill the new Hyperion position, I sent HR on a quest to find people. I got a call back from HR saying "I think we found someone for you. But I think he's on drugs!" I took a chance and still interviewed him and we've gotten an awesome resource out of him. Sometimes I still think he's on drugs, but at least I know it's his personality.

The moral of the story? "When life is looking gloomy, bright things will come." Or is it "When you get a call while sleeping, don't automatically go into telemarketer mode or you'll sound like you're on drugs"?

Cameltoe

2009-08-10T09:03:00.002-04:00

Admit it. You've all seen it. Those "fashionists" who insist on wearing on wearing women's jeans even though they're male. There's a couple guys on my floor here at The Company that do that.

I have several problems with this, though.

First of all, it looks really wrong. If you're a male and have a woman's thighs and legs, there's too much estrogen in your system.

Secondly, men's hips are positioned differently than women's, and it looks like your pants are about to fall off.

Finally, my biggest issue with it is the lack of cameltoe. You'd think if you had ANYTHING there with the crotch being that tight something would show. But, generally there's NOTHING. Where the hell does it go? I'd DIE if I had my junk tucked away that tight.

I dub thee "Dooky Head"

2009-07-30T09:37:00.003-04:00

When you move into a previously-lived-in location, you're bound to get mail for strangers.

Previously, my house was owned by a church. So, I'll get lots of religious things in the mail. And occasionally a letter for a previous person saying their car loan is in default or their student loans are in default (I guess God really doesn't care about them enough to make sure their credit stays good).

Anyways, yesterday I received the strangest piece of mail:
Yes -- that's right -- it says "Dooky Head" -- and the address is mine. I'm debating calling Progressive and saying "Excuse me sir or madam, but I think you misspelled "Dookey". If I do call, I'll keep all three of my readers updated!

Coupon Conundrum

2009-07-28T10:13:00.002-04:00

I'm going to prefix this blog posting with I do NOT condone the methods outlined below. I didn't quite realize what was going on with part of it.

So, as part of my home projects I needed to purchase six R-30 bulbs. A trip to WalsMart was in store.

Arrive there and my really awesome and hot boyfriend manages to find some bulbs in the clearance aisle for 3.43 each.

Next we head to the Self Checkout aisle to.. well.. check out!

As I'm scanning the bulbs, my really awesome and hot boyfriend notices there's a 75 cent off coupon. We begin peeling them off as we scan them. There's one missing. Oh well. Scan the first coupon and *bam* - 75 cents removed from the total. I put the coupon in the coupon holder as requested. Scan the second coupon and it tells us the coupon has been used the maximum times. I start reading the coupon and it doesn't say "limit one" so we ask for the CSR.

CSR comes down and scans it and it doesn't scan. But she still throws it in the coupon holder. She also states she cannot manually do them and cancels the coupon that was already used. We then decide that we'll do six different transactions as the line was empty (shocker, eh?).

So, we move lanes and we're down two coupons (and missing the one), and we decide to the coupons six times by putting the coupon label in instead of the coupon for half of them.

Six transactions of 2.89 later (3.43 minus .75 plus tax) I have six receipts and six bulbs.

I get into my truck and begin discussing how irritated the WalsMart manager will be once they go to check the drawers. One drawer will be short 2.25 (three coupons) and one will be over by 1.50 (two coupons). Then the kicker came out: I was informed the coupons had expired back a few months ago.

Apparently the way coupons work is the barcode stays the same no matter what. It is up to the cashier to verify the expiration date. It's a "known issue" when it comes to self checkout lanes. So, WalsMart is really out $4.50 from my coupon adventure. This wasn't intended, but seems a bit fair after the evil CSR person was so evil and unhelpful.

...And for those of you who call going through the line six times a retail person's nightmare -- the ONLY reason we did it that way was 'cuz nobody was in line behind us. Otherwise I woulda been a little more courteous of other shoppers. I'm not THAT evil (usually) :)

Don't mess with me, I'm PMSing

2009-07-10T10:32:00.002-04:00

So, the past few days I've had EXTRA road rage, it seems. I blame it mostly on the new Invisalign trays I put in Wednesday. But, I'd rather blame it more on the STUPID IDIOTS who are on the roads.

Today was no exception.

This morning, I was exiting the Interstate to get to work.

At the end of the exit ramp, it's a bit interesting. It's an intersection where there's a true 4-way intersection as it drops you off into a side-street that has return traffic to get on the Interstate there.

Anyways, as I got to the intersection, the light turned red, I stopped, nobody was coming, so I proceeded to turn on red, which is legal. Apparently some asshole decided they wanted to run the red light from the opposite direction and make the left hand turn they shouldn't have done. Mind you, they weren't already in the intersection as the light turned red.

Not only did asshole illegally turn left on red, but they turned left on red INTO THE RIGHT-HAND LANE.

So, double-illegal.

Anyways, they had a "how is my driving?" sticker on their vehicle, so I called it complaining how the idiot driver almost hit me! (Ok, I was a bit more polite in my response as to be "professional". I figured that'd get a better reaction than "angry driver")

A bit ago, I got a callback from the company and they left a vmail thanking me for calling and they were going to take care of it with their driver.

Meme -- whatever that is

2009-07-10T09:49:00.002-04:00

Dudes, Princess Sparkle Pants was mean and tagged me.

The Rules for this meme:

1. Respond and rework. Answer the questions on your blog. Replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention, and add one more question of your own.

2. Tag other people.

What is your current obsession?
CK Obsession? No wait, that's not it.

What are you wearing today?
Clothes. Specifically jeans and a polo shirt. Not from Polo though.

What’s for dinner?
I heard a rumor RuSan's.

What would you eat for your last meal?
Jesus Chicken Breakfast!

What relaxes you the most?
What's relaxed?

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Just the next hour? I need a lot longer than an hour to visit Australia!

Which language do you want to learn?
English. Definitely English.

What do you love most about where you currently live?
The fact it hasn't burned down with all the problems we've found? Also, I *HEART* the way my dining area is inset.

What style is your current home decorated in?
It's decorated?

If you were a time traveler what era would you live in?
I've said it once, and I'll say it again -- I HATE TIME PARADOXICALITIES! Stupid Marty McFly....

What is your favorite color?
*points to a box of 96 Crayolas* That color!

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?
I cannot state that in this blog.

What were you doing ten years ago?
Ten years ago? I can barely remember ten minutes ago. Let's see... I was a computer geek for a small consulting firm in Bwahston. Was roommates with a short person. REALLY short person. Seriously, she's 4'10. I'd hate to see when she starts shinking from age.

If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on?
Again, can't say that in this blog. People will think I'm a pervert.

What are you going to do after this?
Cuss out IT more.

What are your favorite films?
The Lion King! Yeah... that's it.. Also the first three Star Wars films. And by "first three", I mean Episodes IV, V, and VI.

Your favorite books?
I'm so bored with reading lately.

Do you collect anything?
Dust bunnies!

What makes you follow a blog?
Gotta be amusing and enjoyable to read.

What was the most enjoyable thing you did today?
I can't say. But I WILL say it happened about 6am...

Ann's Question:What makes you comment on a blog?
Who is this Ann person?

Amy's Question:What is your favorite thing to do when you have some free time?
Who is this Amy person? And what is free time?

Tonya's question:What is a talent you wished you had?
I don't know Tonya, but the answer to that question is dirty as well.

Gena's question:As you may know, I am all about "Serene Moments", so what is your "Serene Moment"?
Gena is scaring me. Serene moments are when I'm with my massage therapist. Seriously, her name is Serene.

Noelle's question: If you could go to heaven who would you see, and why?
Doesn't Noelle know we're all going to go to heaven?

Vickie's question: Who is your favorite actor?
Mmmmm.... There's a whole lisit of my favorite hottie actors that I don't want to be ousting and entering them here.

Kelly's question: What was your favorite subject in school?
Definitely not PE. And is this elementary school? High school? College? My guess is the answer revolves around computers

Mommy Nintendo's: What do you want to be when you grow up? Or if you've already achieved that goal, what was it?
I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R Us Kid.... But if I DID have to grow up, I'd like to work for a network that makes cartoons. I'm told I do an AWESOME Scooby Laugh!.

My Question: Who is your hero?
Didn't Bette Midler, Enrique Iglasias, and some other chick do songs about Heros? Oh, and let's not forget the TV show.

Okay, I am tagging: Fran and Salon Chick

Seriously -- a saw!

2009-06-25T11:24:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, I went to my hot lesbian dentist to get more IPR done for my straightening.

As I went to the back, I said "I have one request: I need a picture of this saw because people don't believe me."

So, here it is:

It really is as scary as it looks! The blade is probably the diameter of a quarter, maybe a bit smaller. It's very very thin, though.

They had three places they needed to do for me. And, let me tell you, it wasn't pleasant. Did I mention they don't numb you for this?

So, she's trying to get this saw in my mouth and she's like "be VERY still!"

Really? Very still... I have a SAW BLADE in my mouth... any thoughts of me moving end with me being decapitated. I've seen scary movies.

So, she's trying to work it, but apparently a couple of my teeth are very tight together. So, instead of using that, she brought out some metal sandpaper.

SANDPAPER! I didn't get a picture of this one because I was wanting it to be over. Of course, the sandpaper in my mouth wasn't very pleasant. Especially around the gums.

After about 20 mins or so, it was over. I was relieved. And saw a splotch of blood on the bib. I was like "I thought you said you weren't intentionally hurting me? Blood means intentional! ;-)" (Yes, I said "winking smiley-face")

I left the office with trays 4-10. Which means I don't have to see her until September 30th (unless I have a cleaning with her before then. I don't recall when that is). But, right now, my teeths are aching some...

Tray 3

2009-06-11T13:00:00.003-04:00

Ok, so my last few posts have been about my Invisaligns. I haven't done anything of any significance the past few weeks (Ok, I have, but I haven't gotten around to filling anyone in 'cuz the projects aren't done), so I'm waiting.

Anyways, I got tray three yesterday. And BUTTONS!

Yeap. In the original videos, you see the red things. They're little pieces of (white) filling material bonded to my teeths. That was an adventure. First I had tray 3 put in. that was a LOT of difficulty. Then, took them out and put the filling material in the button spaces in tray 3 and solidified it in place. The fun part was "Ok, take them out".

Didn't happen. It took a LOT of work to get those trays out. But the buttons were filed down a tad to make it a tad easier. Still not fun. It makes a huge KLUNK when I take them out, though.

Tray 2 is worse than Tray 1

2009-05-27T10:15:00.003-04:00

And I'm not talking loading printer trays.

Two weeks ago I got Tray 1 of my Invisaligns. Today I put in Tray 2. I don't remember Tray 1 feeling this tight and painful. Either that or it was and I just managed to totally forget about it.

Advil is my friend today.

I love being insane!

2009-05-18T08:36:00.003-04:00

So, I sent the following email to a bunch of friends:

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina One dog chow for Bradley, at Wal-Mart and was standing in line about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was 'where is your sign, lady', but decided to go with it...So...On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina weight loss diet again.

I said I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete... so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, to say the least.

Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

WAL-MART asked me not to shop there anymore.

Hilarious, eh?

I love the responses I got from my friends -- about me being too hysterical or how much they wish they could have been there to see it. One even said I was their hero because I got kicked out of WalMart (wouldn't be the first time).

The sad part is that story, alas, is not mine. But, apparently I'm insane enough that it really could have been me. And, who knows -- maybe I'll get the opportunity to do it one day!

Swine Flu

2009-05-12T11:34:00.004-04:00

So, I've started up my coughing again.

That "I feel like there's something in the back of my throat when I try to breathe, so I end up doing a pretty big cough" kinda cough.

It's a throat cough, not a chest cough. But it's a cough.

But, I'm doing the coughing. The coworker of mine who sits in the next cube over (I swear I need to get nicknames for these peeps) keeps saying "Bless You."

So, I finally responded -- "Thanks. I think I have Swine Flu -- and I've had Swine Flu since before it was cool to have Swine Flu!"

A Blog o' Tweets!

2009-05-08T16:11:00.003-04:00

I felt unmotivated to do any real posting today, but I had some great Twitter Updates that I figured I'd share. In order of earliest to latest, and not in the Twitter Timeline order.

http://twitpic.com/4rxnr - I've been Rick-Rolled!

@Fran429 Yes 'cuz the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog!

YES! Keyboard Cat plays off this week's News of the Absurd podcast!

#FollowFriday @nerdist @newsoftheabsurd @chickenpoppod

@PinkPrincessRun Gee... now I have that song stuck in my head... and I haven't seen that video in forever... time to find it...

aahh.. yes... here we go! http://tinyurl.com/66hewz

http://tinyurl.com/osq7sf -- 303,000 text messages in a month? DAYUMN! Does that girl sleep?

http://tinyurl.com/coxd2s -- OMG, I love The Onion!

Um....yeah. Just...watch this. IT IS REAL. http://tinyurl.com/cu3kj7 (via @nerdest via @paulscheer)

Ok, it's 4pm and I JUST realized my underwear is on inside-out.

'Nuff said!

From the desk of "This can't REALLY happen, can it?"

2009-05-06T14:01:00.001-04:00

So, I work in Downtown Atlanta. Our director decided he wanted to do something special for some award winners we have in our department. A cupcake cake in the shape of a star was ordered.

I took one look at the cake and said "I have to go back and get my phone. People won't believe me without a picture."

After I took a picture, someone else commented, "That must have came from MLK or somewhere else in the ghetto."

It tasted good, though (well, as good as overwhipped sugary whipped topping can be).

Randomness

2009-05-06T09:55:00.002-04:00

So, I just had to print out an org chart for Ops and Strategy. So I start singing "Ops and Strategy... Ops and Strategy... Ops and Strategy... Strategy and Ops..." (like the "Milk and Cereal" song)

I don't think he got it.

Last night was Cinco de Mayo. We went out to Los Bravos for dinner. Some white chick was the live band. I found that weird. Then she started singing covers of Joan Jett (I Love Rock and Roll), Carrie Underwood (Before He Cheats), and Gretchen Wilson (I'm Here For The Party).

She was horrible. Besides, who invites WHITE PEOPLE to sing for CINCO DE MAYO?

My tummy's been off for some unknown reason. I doubt it's swine flu.

Someone finally noticed the fact I dyed my hair. Took 'til Wednesday. Crazy people I work with... don't notice things and have never seen The Never Ending Story.

I didn't sleep well last night. I'm unmotivated today. And I probably won't finish working until after 9pm due to a 9pm deadline on turning things into us.

I think I'm done rambling.

Sink o' Mayo!

2009-05-05T09:19:00.003-04:00

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

The day where everyone pretends to be a Mexican by drinking cervezas and partying it up. (Yet they don't do lawn work?)

Every Cinco de Mayo in the past few years, I'm reminded of a celebration we did.

Back when I was working at The Suffix, I was a member of the "Fun Team." We organized cheap fun events throughout the year to break up the mundane existence around the office. Sure we didn't want to see our fellow coworkers more than we had to, but getting a break every now and then was awesome.

Anyway, we held this Cinco de Mayo potluck lunch in the office. It was a blast! We had a (virgin) margarita machine, piñata, and games. Of course, the game I was all about I had heard on the radio a year before: Sink o' Mayo!

On the radio, they had this giant sink filled with mayonaise and prizes (well, not the prize itself, but a card saying what they won). So I took a page out of their book and put prize cards in ziplock bags and dumped a couple Costco-sized containers of mayonaise over them.

The look on my coworkers faces was priceless.

Of course, everyone was afraid to even stick their hand in this gooey goopy gunk. It's not like there's a restroom nearby where they can wash their hands. Wimps, I tell ya!

Then we had one person go for the gusto! She reached her whole hand down in the mayo-filled bucket, slopped it around, pulled out a number of ziplock bags, put them back in, and got into it deep!

The smell was starting to get to me. I didn't realize how bad mayo smelled until you have it sloshing around big time with you.

Anyways, after about 2 minutes of just sloshing around the mayo, she pulled out a prize ticket and actually won the grand prize!

She went and cleaned off her hands and came back raving at how soft her hands were after her mayo manicure. She smelled like a rancid salad, but her hands were nice and soft.

Sometimes I miss those days, but it seems all the hilariously fun people have left The Suffix, either willingly or unwillingly. But, it also gives an opportunity for me to attempt to bring things like that to The Company!

How to glue your ass together

2009-04-28T09:55:00.002-04:00

So, back in October, I read this article. It intrigued me. Made me wonder "Hrmm.. is it really that awesome?"

Then, of course, sometime in the past, I read that Wax is NOT your friend. Honestly, I almost peed my pants reading that. I know it's not an everyday occurrence, but still.

But, the article still made me want to try it. At least once.

I had even asked my salon friend if she knew of anyone who did it for guys (since not every waxing place wants to see my ding-a-ling). She suggested Waxing by Andreia. I called and found it was $55 for guys. I seriously pondered, but never saved the cash.

My really awesome boyfriend has been known to partake in this waxing ordeal in the past. He looks HAWT all smooth. So he bought some wax and we tried it on me.

After dinner, we got home and started the wax melting in the pot. Good heavens that took a long time! Anyways, when it got close, I hopped in the shower to make sure I was all clean.

Then he asked me to hop on all fours. Not particularly the most comfortable position on the floor. My poor knees. Anyways, I did and he sprayed something on my hind region. Then he powdered up my bum. Finally, he got a gob of wax and spread it on an area.

It was warm. I'll let you know that. But not painful warm. Kinda like you first sitting in a steaming hot bath. But I got used to it. The wax hardened... Then he told me to breathe and brace myself.

*RIP*

It wasn't THAT bad. Kinda like a bandage being pulled off. I felt behind me and it was quite smooth. I saw the wax piece (which was about the size of a Chick-Fil-A Nugget Sauce Container) and it had hairs in it pulled out by the roots!

"This isn't going to be horrible", I thought to myself. So we went for a few more areas.

Not too bad.

Then a piece of wax didn't quite stay in one piece as it was ripped off. That hurt. It took a couple more grips before he was able to pull it off. I ended up leaning forward to the point where my bum relaxed back together.

Except I had forgotten that there was another bit of wax there. That was still soft.

So, it glued my buttcheeks together. Not exactly a pleasant feeling. Not one I could describe, either. But, my buttcheeks were worse than superglued together. I start laughing harder because I'm remembering the wax is NOT your friend story (see above). I couldn't help it.

So, here I am with my buttcheeks glued together and I need to reassume the position so I can get it removed. After a couple tugs, it came out. I now had freedom to poop again!

Things weren't really bad until we got to my ball sack. Now, my balls can't decide if they want to hang low or high. But last night, they decided to be high. Probably because they knew what was coming. High balls meant the skin was shriveled some. Imagine that with wax and the pulling.... Yeah... it smarted!

Midnight comes and we got my butt crack to my left nut completed. Too tired to continue, we called it a night and vowed to finish the rest later. And, since it's not as bad as I thought it would be (and I'm ENJOYING the new smoothness), I'm looking forward to the finishing! :)

Cowabunga Dude!

2009-04-23T10:35:00.004-04:00

So, ChickenPopPod happened to tweet this link today.

I got excited and disgusted at the same time. So, now, I'm torn.

I grew up watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They were AWESOME! And I was SO EXCITED when the movie came out! (and it was pretty cool that I lived one town over from Northampton, MA where the Turtles were created).

Anyways, the first movie was EXCELLENT for something that was from an Independent Company. Not a huge budget, but a lot of entertainment.

The second movie... well... Not as great as the first. Most sequels aren't.

The third... well... I don't even like to acknowledge that it exists (kinda like the Home Alone series)

TMNT was great! It went back to what made the Turtle franchise awesome! I was Shell Shocked afterwards. In fact, I went to see it TWICE in the theaters (that's unheard of from me with movie prices hitting $11, and you can now only use a college discount on THURSDAYS).

Now, the announcement of ANOTHER movie? And going back to this whole "Live Action" thing... If it was another animated, I'd be excited, especially if it was done in the same fashion as TMNT. But, my fear is it's going to be as bad as Turtles in Time. I guess only time will tell... Check back in 2011 for what I think of it. 'Cuz you know I'll HAVE to see it.

I'm going straight!

2009-04-21T09:38:00.005-04:00

Straight, not heterosexual, that is :)

I just got word that my Invisalign treatment videos are in. I figured I'd share them with y'all.

This is the front view of what my teeths are going to look like. Specifically look at the left side. It almost looks as if I was hit on that side with a frying pan to knock my teeths in that far. But they're coming out to normal. The spots on my teeth are where they're going to have to put "attachers." These will come out

For the top view, tooth #8 is my biggest complaint. It's like halfway over another tooth. Very difficult to keep clean.

And, finally for the bottom view. I have some serious crookedness going on there. That big major crookedness next to the incisors on the left has bugged me for years. And it's not particularly easy to floss that.

Plus, they're going to be doing some minor shaving of my teeths for spacing. Not sure how I feel about that (since I know it'll mean things like "Novocaine" that didn't work on my lower right side).

So, I should be all good. I've got 14 upper trays and 17 lower trays coming to me. That means I'm going to be in them for 34 weeks. That means by the New Year, I might have a much better smile!

I'm finding the craziest things

2009-04-17T23:10:00.002-04:00

So, I've been spending the past week or so cleaning out one of the drives on my Linux box. I've found a lot of crap, a lot of porn, and a lot of weird things.

I've even found things back from my college days. Scary.

Anyways, I came across the following story from my Waffle House days. I remember this day vaguely (mostly because of the insomnia that occurred previously), but enjoyed the story.

Background to understand story:
- Cheshire Bridge Rd is the road that I work... I mean I work on. My Waffle House is at the corner of Cheshire Bridge and Alco (small side-street). On the other side of Alco is Opus1 (old decrepid gay men club), 24K Club (strip club), and 404 Motorsports (expensive auto detailing and custom anything). Being the locale of Midtown, of course, Waffle House is going to be full of homos, including those working. And now, for our story...

Picture it - Atlanta - 2002.

July 18th, even - 9:45pm. On Cheshire Bridge Rd at the Waffle House. I'm groggy still from taking Tylenol PM (bad case of insomnia where I was up 75 hours) - I'm so groggy and out of it, I'm still kinda seeing spots and stuff. I'm waiting on my table in the corner and this guy is banging on the window and pointing towards Alco. I look, and don't see anything, and try to go back to what I was doing. I begin hearing an alarm and figure it's someone's car and the guy bangs on the window again, points at 404 and makes some weird motion, and thru the spots, I see a rim rolling by. I'm totally confused, the guy starts walking towards the front door and I put the pieces together - someone's robbing 404 Motorsports!

So I tell Izaak to call the cops since he's at the register (that and I'm still having no idea what's REALLY going on) - Izaak is handling money, so he hands the phone to Melinda to call 911. Melinda dials and everyone else in the restaurant starts dialing on their cell phones. Melinda is telling the poor 911 operator "There's a break-in at 404 and Chestire Bridge - they're stealing strippers from the 24K club" (and I'm the one drugged up). Izaak grabs the phone from her and is like "child - you got it all wrong - Hello? Yes, there's a break in across the street at 404 Motorsports on Cheshire Bridge across from the Waffle House.... Do we have a description? Uh... A couple guys with rimcaps in their van..... Tag number? Child, like we can see that far..... Oohh there was just an accident... They sped out and started heading down Cheshire towards I-85."

I swear, within 2 minutes, there were cops all over the place - yet when WH has problems and we call, it takes an hour or two. But, I digress. Customers are walking out tryin' to see what's going on. The cook goes out to get a piece of the action, thus leaving us without any way to deal with these scattered, smothered, covered hashbrowns. We're all confused, and the cops are piling up, strobes flashing everywhere not helping my seeing spots, Grady ambulance comes up (poor guy), and the fire truck. They clean up the accident and it takes about an hour and a half.

Now, I hear you saying to yourself - "Wasn't this supposed to be a stupid criminal story?" - well, above is the facts as witnessed by myself. Below are facts reported to me by the security officer they called in to take care of the place overnite.

Security guard comes in and orders food - "I wish I had been there, they wouldn't have gotten anything..." - Child, what would the security officer have done? Said "BOO!" - he don't carry a gun. If they wanted stuff still, they would have gotten it.

And, apparently they stole three mis-matched display rims. So we know who did it when you see a White Chevy Conversion Van driving around Atlanta with three mismatched 24" rims and one 19" regular wheel. That, and they left the $70,000 motorcycle in the window. PLEASE, child - if you're gonna have a heist, at least do it right!

I tell ya - that's all we ended up talking about that nite at WH - picking on those poor stupid criminals.

I'm unmotivated to post

2009-04-14T09:50:00.003-04:00

As you can probably tell from the lack of postings lately.

I haven't had much to really post about. My life has been a little blah. And I refuse to try to be all poetry like Princess Sparklepants has been.

I've been doing computer-geeky things with my machines at home. And slowly starting to organize my files so I can find things (and in the process do a little cleanup of the files I don't need).

Then, I found the story of my 24th birthday. It was shortly after I moved to Georgia. And, quite possibly, the most f'd up day I had in quite some time!

I started reading it last night and giggled quite a bit. In short, I felt like Lucy Ricardo in that episode where she was finding her birth certificate.

Aahh - birthdays - the second best day of the year, correct? (Christmas being the best) - not for me. I probably would have had a better day playing in traffic on GA400 (Mass Pike? I-95?) during rush hour.

Let's see - where do I start. 9am, my phone rings - it's my grandmother wishing me a happy birthday (she calls my cell, but I don't complain because I don't expect to be on long because I told her I had things I needed to do) - I also get to talk to mother (ok, you can stop laughing now). I get off the phone with them about 9:20, and I hop in the shower, primp myself, gather my birth certificate and a bank statement and head up to the DMV (dramatic "DOM-DOM-DOMMMMM").

11:50am - I arrive at the DMV. I see the line is literally around the corner and out of sight - I'm like "I'm glad I made a reservation for noon" - I get in, they tell me to sit and they'll be with me momentarily. I'm like "kewlios" so I'm all happy.

12:05pm - it's now my turn. I'm like "Ok, I need to get my MA license transferred over to GA, I have my birth certificate and a bank statement, and even a utility bill in case you want that too. And here's my MA license, I think it's all in order." - she looks at my birth certificate and is like "what's this?"

"My birth certificate."

"I don't think we can accept this."

"Why not? It's a valid birth certificate with the raised seal and everything - albeit the seal isn't raised MUCH because it's so old"

"Um, it's not in English."

"Yes, it's in German. I was born on an American Air Force base in Germany to American parents."

"We need a Certificate of Birth Abroad"

"Here's a photocopy of it - I don't have the original - I've NO clue where that would be."

"We can't accept that."

"I've got a Social Security card too - I can't get that without being an American citizen. I've enough documentation here to prove without a shadow of a doubt I'm who I say I am and I was born when I say I was, and I can even give you the time on my Hospital Birth Report."

"Sorry."

"So, you're telling me I'm screwed?"

"Basically."

"So, what are my options?"

"Get an American birth certificate"

"Am I supposed to be born again? Can I just go down to the church across the street and become born again and get a birth certificate that way?"

- no comment -

"I mean, my mother is 1100 miles away (thank God) - and I don't think I can fit back in her to be born again - and if I did, the birth would be today so I wouldn't be old enough to drive for another 16 years - although I'd get to go back to school and I'd prolly be the smartest in my pre-school class, and I'd have nap time again, but I don't think I'd fit in the chairs."

"I'm sorry"

"I have a little blue card somewhere at home which I've been searching for since I moved here that is a notice of my birth that is from the Town (ok, now it's City) of Easthampton - where I was registered - if I can find that, can I use that?"

"Yes, but you won't be able to use this appointment."

"I'll worry about that later. Ya know that phrase 'Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it'? - well, it looks like I just got my wish to be fu*cked for my birthday."

Anyways, I'm PISSED as I walk out of there with the knowledge that I probably won't be able to drive after midnight because that little blue card is gone - vamoose - hasta-la-way-go-bye-bye probably in the move.

So, now you have a pissed off mole (POM for short) who has TOTAL road rage on GA400 trying to stay calm so I don't speed and get pulled over and have MORE problems.

Next stop - home - one hand I'm searching frantically thru the few boxes I didn't unpack - no avail - other hand, I'm dialing people trying to figure out all my options. First call: My grandmother in Easthampton, MA - asking if she can go to the Town.. err.. City Hall (I still can't get used to calling it a city) and get a copy of my record of birth mailed to me. I also explained her the situation up to this point. I got off the phone with her then called Dad and informed him that the state of Georgia is screwing me and it's all his fault (for having me OVERSEAS). I also inquire about his post-surgical health, and get off the phone with him to call the state of MASS to see if there's any "grace period" so I technically wouldn't have an "expired license."

Call MassRMV - one of the MOST HATED orgs in the state there. Explain the situation up to that point. The guy on the phone informed me that if I was MOVING to Mass, I could present any expired license up to 4 years old and Mass would give me a license, but he's not sure of GA's laws, and there is no grace period. Trying to get the info I WANT, I asked a few other questions, and discovered there is a form I could fill out explaining I'm traveling and couldn't get to MA to renew my license and allow me to renew it without penalty when I return to the state, but it doesn't serve as an extension to allow for another state. So first idea comes to mind: Fill this form out, SOMEHOW get to Mass, get a MA license renewed, return to GA with "American" birth certificate and trade in for GA license. Nope - nocando - no way to get to MA without valid ID and expired license isn't valid ID on aircraft. Strike 1.

I call the GA DMV and inform them of the situation. They tell me of a "translator service" that can translate my birth certificate. I'm like "THERE'S ENGLISH ALL OVER THIS CERTIFICATE I HAVE NOW" - but instead of fighting through this loop deal, I get the information.

I call these new people (Catholic something Services) - I explain the above to them (I can just HEAR people laughing each time I explain it because it sounds like something that only would happen on "I Love Lucy" *recalls the Passport episode where Lucy couldn't find a birth certificate*) - they told me it would cost $150 to get it done. I ask about expediting it so I could potentially get to the DMV today and get my life straightened out. He tells me $300 for "speedy delivery" and I wouldn't get it 'till 3 *IF* I faxed it to them before I headed that way. I was like "Okay - I'll fax it to you as soon as I can manage to get across the street" - I call the DMV and ask if I can use my reservation and she's like "No. You'll have to stand in line." - "Which is half a block around the corner," I pipe in.

My grandmother calls back and says she overnighted a copy of my birth certificate, but the post office said it probably won't get here for two days (so TECHNICALLY it was 2-day mail, not overnight, but I digress, this isn't a bitch session about the post office). Also, I get a phone call from a friend and I explain the situation and he's not sure what to do.

At this point, I know I can't get a license until a future date because you can't get appts the day before and I can't DRIVE up there with an expired license to get a Georgia License. In order to get a license now, I'm gonna need to take the written AND road test. No problem, I remember most of the rules of the road and - well - I've been driving for the past year and change constantly, so I should have no problems passing a road test. - I inform them that I have an out-of-state vehicle if that's fine for the road test. She said yes, as long as I have proof of insurance.

I'm like "oh crap" because I can't get proof of insurance because I was told by my insurance company in MA that since I'm moving, I'm not really covered anymore because they can't cover out of MA (um, what about roadtrips here? But I can't argue much because there's not much I can do there trying to explain why I need proof of insurance). So I call the GA tags (license plate) department (which is TOTALLY different from the DMV licensing people) - I tell her the situation and she makes my day even worse by telling me I can't get GA tags without a GA license (even tho I was told by someone earlier that I could do them in either order) - and I know I can't get GA tags without GA insurance. The logic for calling them was to inquire about the law to see if I could get insurance on a vehicle without a license. She said I'd hafta call an insurance agency.

Insurance - the biggest gamble of you're life - you pay tons of money basically betting that you won't get into an accident, the insurance company bets you will (or do I have that backwards?)- and either way YOU LOSE. I pick the most handy insurance agency in the list, and explain the situation and ask if I can have insurance on a vehicle without a valid license - he said I could open a policy, but the policy would be canceled once my MA license expired (essentially midnight) - no luck there. So, the situation is I have to take a road test to get a GA license - in order to take the road test, I need GA insurance. in order to get GA insurance, I need a license. In order to get a license..... well, you get the picture. I brainstormed a bit, and came up with my other two options.

Option 2: BEG someone to let you borrow their car for the road test who already has GA insurance and all that jazz - the pro is there's no big hassle with agencies, but the cons are I'm not comfortable in that vehicle and I would inconvenience them having to take me to get a licnese.

Option 3: Take a friend and go get insurance on my truck with him/her as the primary driver. Take the vehicle to the road test, take the road test, get the license, take him/her OFF my policy and add ME to the policy. This seems SHADY and will probably cause more headaches.

So, the current situation is as follows:
- I ACTUALLY MISS Mass for a change
- I'm ROYALLY PISSED OFF at Georgia
- The lady at the DMV best be GLAD I didn't have PMS going on
- I'm a year older and yet I can't drive again legally (funny, a similar situation happened when I moved to MA from SC, but I digress 'cuz it was totally different still)
- I have a birth certificate due here by Thursday, so if I can find a friend with a vehicle that is an automatic, I can theoretically take the tests this weekend and have a license by then... that is IF I can get an appointment.

So, next time you wish someone a happy birthday - make sure it's REALLY a happy day for them! :-D

For those of you who wonder the outcome of everything, my grandmother sent me my birth certificate through "regular mail" (not overnight) -- it arrived that Friday. I begged a friend of mine to take me to the license place and use his car. It was 9.5 hours at the license place. Apparently if your license is expired, you've forgotten how to drive, so you need to take both the written and the road test. The VERY first question on my written test was the child seatbelt law. I came close to turning around and saying "Excuse me, may I have another test, there won't be a child in my vehicle." Needless to say, I got it wrong. But, I took the driving test in my friend's Toyota Echo and parallel parked quite easily.

What have I done to prevent this from happening again? Well, I finally went to go get my passport, so I shouldn't have to prove I was born again. I also have the "Easthampton Birth Certificate" filed away in a safe place. The only thing to make it better is if I had an actual safe to keep everything in.

911, I have a complaint!

2009-04-09T08:51:00.002-04:00

Today, I read what was probably the thirty-seventh article about a person dialing 911 because of a food complaint. Whether it be because Burger King is out of lemonade, or there's not enough shrimp in shrimp fried rice.

Seriously, what is wrong with these people?

Then it hit me! First, it was just stupid people -- they had a complaint, felt wronged, but didn't know enough to call the non-emergency number. With this shrimp problem, I think there's something different.

The article talks about a woman calling 911 because they wanted more shrimp. The angry customer left prior to officials arriving. Then a satisfied customer talks to news to say there's always a lot of shrimp. Could it be a ploy by the restaurant to get their name out in the community to get more business in a stalled economy?

Nnaa... that would be unethical!

Happy Birthday, Mother!

2009-03-24T11:13:00.005-04:00

So, I've gotten some STRANGE stuff from Mother for various occasions. The most memorable being when she decided to give me a phallicized Cheet-Oh or the time she sent me a pre-scratched losing scratch ticket. Oh yeah, and once she sent me a few expired condoms.

I know she was probably meaning well in her insane little world, but they made absolutely no sense.

So I decided to get her back this time.

It's her birthday, and I went and had a little fun. So much fun that I made Sis record Mother opening her package just so I could see the reaction. Needless to say, I almost wet myself from laughter!

Needless to say, do NOT watch the video below if you are faint of heart, under the age of 18, or if anyone under the age of 18 is in the room with you. Also, there's some swearing because that's what Mother does, so if that offends you also, please do not press play.

I find it most funny that she doesn't quite know what lube is....

Always look at the bright side of life!

2009-03-18T12:05:00.004-04:00

Last night was Spamalot!

Oh my friggin' goodness, I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants!

I know the Monty Python and the Holy Grail story mostly by heart. It's great and awesome! I managed to get AWESOME front row mezzanine seats to Spamalot for $25 (plus fees), so we went. I'm glad I made that kind of decision!

The silly humour throughout the show was great! And after seeing it, I can totally understand why Clay Aiken played Sir Robin. And, when the cow was catapulted, the only thing in my mind was "Crypto! You have not been given permission to leave the invasion site!"

I bought a cow ("Fetchez La Vache!") and a killer rabbit. They're now sitting at my desk and I so want to catapult la vache left and right.

I've been listening to the soundtrack today. It's great!

Good thing I don't cook!

2009-03-16T13:37:00.003-04:00

So, this past weekend's project was supposed to replace the Service Entry Cable to my house. As I've said before, my current setup is underrated for what I want.

But I didn't expect this!

Unfortunately, it was raining all weekend, and there's no way we're going to risk playing with electricity in the rain. But, we DID get the 225 pounds of SE cable run up through the hardest part of the house (the 20 or so feet we needed to put up in the central attic). I swear, if I was ready to rewire the whole house's electrical right now, I would TOTALLY move the breaker box somewhere else more convenient to that whole ordeal. Alas no.

Anyways, my really awesome boyfriend started looking at the existing crappy SE cable (ya know, the one on a 150 amp breaker outside). And we looked it up, and learned it's only REALLY rated for 115 amps. (He calls it "mobile home cable").

Then that got me to thinking about what my Hot Chiropractor said the other day -- "Why don't y'all cook?"

Yeah -- if I cooked, ran the dishwasher, kicked on the air conditioner, and ran the dryer at the same time, I'd probably burn the house down!

...It's a good thing I don't really cook!

This posting is racist

2009-03-11T14:55:00.003-04:00

Stupid non-Mexicans working at Taco Bell can't make things right. The soft taco shells are brittle as it is, so if they're not warmed properly, they break apart. Guess what happened to me today...

Yes, I agree that's racist, but it's true! It's the same thing like going to a sushi bar and having a white person fixing your sushi. There's nothing to say it's not right, but if I go out for sushi, I want to see a Japanese person fixing it! (Or at minimum Asian). As I was told by another friend, "I don't care if they had asian people pretending to make the sushi and it was premade." It's about the presentation!

I tried to exercise

2009-03-10T09:47:00.002-04:00

So, I know I need to get my fat @$$ back in the gym. I'm getting yelled at left and right by medical peoples, along with my scale. Friends of mine don't care about my weight. And the only reason I really care is the health issues I have from it.

Anyways, a really awesome friend of mine K from The Suffix is in town this week (it's a rarity since she lives in that really freezing cold place known as Minnesota). Anyways, for the longest time we had plans that when she came into town, we would go biking on the Silver Comet Trail. I figured it would be fun until I remembered that she has a tendency to run 50 miles for no reason (and marathons and races and other things. INSANE, I tell ya!)

Of course, I got laid off, and somewhat forgot about it.

My really awesome boyfriend brought his bike back with him on his last trip home, and the thought came back in my mind, so I txted K and asked her if she had any plans of coming down, and lo and behold, she did! So we started the planning of riding the Silver Comet Trail (well, part of it. It was going to be after work, afterall).

Anyways, last two weeks I've been sick, but I'm feeling mostly better. A little coughing every now and then, but that's it. We get everything scheduled for yesterday after work. I pump up the tires and get them loaded in the back of my truck and we head to the trail.

She hadn't been on a bike for several years, apparently. Add in the fact it was set on one of the high gears, and it was hilarious to see her try to get started. I was yelling "It's like riding a bike! It comes back to ya!"

So, we're riding down the trail and it's really beautiful. We're in that "Not quite spring" transition phase (just before the pollen count hits nine billion), and things are really nice out. And the weather is pretty much PERFECT.

About a mile down, K thinks she has a flat tire. I have her get in front of me to see what things look like, and it appears that the brake is rubbing a bit against the rubber, causing the noise. You know.. that whole "it's hot, and the tire's been flat for a while, so it's a little bowed and such" deal? We think very little of it and press on.

Two and change miles down and we hear a "POP-PSSsssss" -- and it was LOUD! Yep... Tire blew. I guess I didn't fully interpret Really Awesome Boyfriend's warning of "The tires are probably in bad shape."

So, we dismount and turn around and walk the bikes all the way back down to the start of the trail. It was a nice walk, but would have been cooler if we could have biked a little further... I mean, we didn't even get to the tunnel!

After dinner, the three of us (K, Really Awesome Boyfriend, and I) went to RuSan's for dinner and had sushi. It's always a good day when sushi is involved!

Why do people think I'm crazy?

2009-03-09T12:49:00.003-04:00

So, people think I'm crazy for some reason unbeknownst to me. I don't go around saying "5 minutes to Wapner" or things like that. I don't roll down my window and ask the person in the next vehicle if they have any Grey Poupon. And I don't whisper an entire conversation in public yet yell "RECTUM" like my grandmother does. I like to think I'm fairly close to "sane."

So, lately, people have been calling me crazy.

9:42am I get a call, and I answer "Good afternoon." 3:18pm I get a call and I answer "Good morning." They tell me I'm crazy.

I have a light up LED tree at my desk. Everyone calls it a "Christmas Tree" -- I've decided it's not, rather the Crystalline Entity with a star on top.

I also have an aquarium at my desk. They find it "odd."

But, I think the best thing is the fact I got to reuse a line again!

Mother is a Braves fan and her birthday is coming up. So I decided to adventure to the Braves Clubhouse Store to buy her something. I found the cutest little bear wearing a Braves uniform, so I decided she was going to get that. The cashier put the bear in the bag upside-down. I exclaimed, "Don't put him in upside down! All the stuffing will rush to his head!"

The look was priceless!

When did I turn into an adult?

2009-03-05T09:21:00.004-05:00

I keep asking myself that one. Occasionally I'll do things that make me "more of an adult." First it was paying taxes. Then it was getting a "real job." Then the next big step was buying a house. Then came property taxes. Recently I started wearing "grown-up clothes" when I got the job at The Company.

I didn't think I could become "more of an adult" after that.

Until yesterday.

I opened a brokerage account with one of my banks. I now own stocks!

It's kinda weird to say that I am a shareholder in a company. I want to be like that crazy lady in Futurama and say "I own one share in Planet Whatchamajigger, and I want my say!"

I made a good impression!

2009-03-04T11:16:00.002-05:00

The next step of Extreme Makeover Dental Edition is straightening my teeths. Something I've wanted to do for years, but that insane fear of dentists kept me away from doing.

I've gotten the rest of my problems taken care of. My gums are in much better shape thanks to my hot lesbian dentist and hot gay periodontist. My cavities are filled in, and I have a crown (I like to call it a tiara tho) over my root canal. The only things that are really left are straightening and replacing the tiara because it has metal that my gums aren't liking.

So, the plan is to straighten my teeths, then replace the tiara because it's easier that way.

The plan to straighten my teeth is to use Invisalign. My hot lesbian dentist does them. I got my appointment squared away for yesterday. She also says I can do some whitening (using the Invisaligns as trays) for an additional $100. Seriously thinking about it.

So, I arrive at the dentist office at 15:56 for my 16:00 appointment. Apparently she was running a little behind because the person in front of me had a lot of work going on. I wasn't concerned. I was in their place before. I see the staff that has worked on my mouth and I'm like "So, you're ganging up on me now with my boyfriend, eh?" (He had an appointment that morning and they got him on a thing to make sure I floss more. C'mon.. EVERYONE needs to floss more!). Then at 16:20, I get called back for my X-Ray.

It's that panoramic X-Ray thing. I seriously should ask if I could get a copy of that emailed to me. It'd be cool to show. (Ok, the X-Ray that has my five wisdom teeths would be cooler to show). The machine stopped working just before it went to take the picture. So I had to get out of there, have them fix it up, then get repositioned again. Cool machine, but I hate having to stand REALLY STILL for it to rotate around my head.

Back in the waiting room I went for a few more minutes. Then they call me back for the impressions.

I wanted to do my Scooby Doo impression, but I've been sick and can't exactly perform then. Of course, that's not the impressions they wanted.

They fit me for these funky trays. I'm apparently an "Extra Large" mouth. (No jokes, please)

Then Hot Lesbian Dentist comes in. They goop up the tray with this purple stuff (which has a mild mint flavor, but not really... kinda gross) and they dry the top of my mouth. I'm told to open wide as she shoves it in my mouth and holds it into place. About 3 minutes later, they're like "It's going to feel like I'm pulling your teeth out" as they remove it. It did feel like they were pulling them out, but they stayed.

At first, that impression looked good. But there was a problem with it.

They decided to go to the bottom. Dry that out... Goop it up... and apply. Then I hafta stick my tongue out (you know how difficult that is with fingers in your mouth?). Three minutes... and pull... That stuff wasn't tasting any better.

We went back to the top. Another impression... 3 minutes... take it out... Nope. "Did I mention we're perfectionists?", Hot Lesbian Dentist asks.

Back to the bottom. Goop... Dry... Insert... 3 minutes... pull... Oohh, a nice one!

Back to the top. Goop... Dry... Insert... 1 minute in, she sees we're missing part of a tooth. Still have to wait the three minutes, though.

Again with the top. Goop... Dry... Insert... 2 minuets in, she sees we're missing parts of one side of my mouth. Grrr... Although the purple goop is starting to taste "acceptable."

Again with the top. We now know what the problems are. Goop.... Dry... Insert... She's looking around... It's looking good.... 3 minutes later and VOILA! I made a good impression!

She showed me the difference between the impressions. We're taking something very minor, but I understand the whole ordeal as to why it has to be pretty much perfect. Invisaligns don't have much room for error.

Then we had to do the bite impression. This time it's grey stuff. She has me open wide and she goops up my bottom teeth. Tells me to bite down and this time it's only for a minute.

Of course, NOW is when I decide I have to start coughing since I'm sick. But, I manage to make it. A minute later, I'm told to open my mouth. Of course, I can't. With help, I get open. Great impression!

Picture time.

Two metal like things are inserted in my mouth to help open wide. She takes a few shots. Then she needs the biting surfaces and shoves a mirror in my mouth. I'm told to smile as she takes a couple more pictures. You know how hard it is to smile with a mirror in your mouth?

The last three shots were of me against the wall. There's a "smiling shot", a "mug shot", and then a side shot.

Then we went back in and she told me what's going to be done with my teeth. Where we want things moved and rotated and the like. I should like it!

In four weeks, I'll be getting a video and such as to what is going to happen with my teeth. All this will be posted on this blog. Once I give the OK, two weeks later, I'll start the straightening! I'll keep y'all posted!

I am not that stupid...

2009-02-27T17:50:00.003-05:00

So, I've been fighting with our internal applications department for the past two weeks because they put something in production that wasn't tested.

In fact, one of the comments was "We knew that BU was an exception. I guess we never had any test data for it."

WTF?

When I was in internal applications, I would have been chewed up and spit out by every person in my department if that ever happened. In fact, I sent that portion of the conversation to a colleague of mine at The Suffix and my colleague was in total agreement.

So, let's see -- I solved one phantom error message, gave them a way to solve another problem another area is having, and they can't even get things right? What's wrong with this picture.

So, I was fighting for two weeks with them and they FINALLY "got it fixed" and told me I can run the process. So I did. And it hung up. SERIOUSLY. They spent another day fixing it. This morning, I got a voicemail that said, and I quote, "Killing a process will effectively end it" (ok, it's probably a paraphrase, but still).

SERIOUSLY? If you kill a process, that effectively ends it? REALLY now?

From the person who said they were glad to hear I came from an IT background so they can speak geek to me and I get THAT comment? What have I gotten myself into?

Kids these days... I swear...

2009-02-25T13:04:00.002-05:00

Growing up, we keep telling ourselves we'll never be like our parents. In some cases, we strive for it. We want to be better than them. But, there are some things we cannot avoid.

Growing up, when we did laundry, if there was an unmatched sock, we put it in a pile on top of the dryer. Eventually, we would go through that pile and pair up any matches, and every now and then we'd throw away the unmatched socks. (Made me wonder if there really WAS something in the washing machine or dryer that ate them).

A few years back, I was doing laundry, and there was an unmatched sock. Subconsciously, I threw said sock on the dryer and said to myself, "The other half will show up."

I stopped myself right there, went and hunted down the match, and put both in my dirty clothes basket. It was one less thing I wanted to be like my parents with.

I don't know why that side-story is in this post. It really is supposed to be about video games. In fact, I don't even know how I started on that. Anyways, let's let my ADHD go aside and hit the topic at hand. What was it? Oh yeah, video games.

Kids these days complain about how hard video games are. With all their cheat codes and gabillion lives, and let's not mention how many times your character is allowed to be shot, stepped on, trampled on, or whatever before you actually lose a life, what can you complain about? Then, when you regenerate your life, you're halfway through the level.

Back in my day, you got hit once, your character died. And when you regenerated, you were back at the beginning of the level. Oh, and we had a frog that couldn't freaking swim! What the flip is up with that, Konami?

And, let's not forget the imagination you had to have! If you look at Donkey Kong, he seemed terrifying to me as a child. I plugged in my Atari recently with Donkey Kong, and... well... laughed at him. What kind of crazy fool climbs some whatever that is supposed to be, and just stands there throwing barrels? (and I don't think he really did it... they just magically appear out of nowhere, it seems.) And, when you get closer, he doesn't do anything until you get next to dude's girlfriend? (And, seriously... an ape and a human... I don't get it...)

And who here doesn't know the swirling staticy noise that's at the beginning of a level of Defender? Seriously now!

Now, we had games that made absolutely no sense (Yars' Revenge, anyone?), but we still loved them. Except for maybe E.T. the Extra Terrestrial -- I think I was the only person who liked that one. But, no matter what, we had imagination to make it seem more awesome than the 8-bit graphics allowed.

Then video games progressed and we had games (like Super Mario Bros) that had never-ending pits. Not particularly realistic, but neither was The Mushroom Kingdom. In this unrealistic game, there were never-ending pits. You fall in one of them, and heaven knows where your character went. You never see the splat. But it was still hard because there were these mushroom people that killed you if you touched them any way but jumping on them. But there was this star that went "dat-dat-ble-dat..."

Nowadays, video games have to be extremely lifelike. But, they've gotten away from the things that make them truly lifelike. If your character gets shot, the chances of it being able to continue on and save the world are slim to none. Seriously. And we wonder why kids are getting in trouble "due to video games."

I liked them better when they were more cartooney. No way in our mind's eye that it could be real. We had to use our imagination to understand what was going on. If we forced our kids to go back to level of imagination, who knows where we'd be. Kids would probably do better in school because they're flexing their brain. Creativity would go up since they're flexing their imagination. The would could become a better place if we weren't focused on making video games "look real"

Weekends are crazy

2009-02-22T20:40:00.003-05:00

Well, we started to figure out exactly what I needed to get my house network wired and such.

Except, my awesomely hot boyfriend started planning around other things and the scope creep came into play.

You see, here's my goals:

Network my house (Satellite boxes and other things are now wanting network connection for this that and the other. Buying wireless adapters all over the place is crazy, so let's run ethernet around).
Get an electric tankless hot water heater -- that will save money since I'm not heating water in the event I want to use it and provide more room in the utility closet for my mini network rack.
#2 causes a problem because I've only got 150 service into the house and I need like 200 (or was it 250? I couldn't remember -- I just needed bigger wiring to meet #2's requirement)
I also, at some point, need to replace my HVAC system since it's about 2/3 of my age. I was pondering around the same time as #2 so I could get rid of Georgia Natural Gas. But, that requires #3 to have been done.

With all this scope creep, the budget has been blown out of the water. I need to seriously sit down and figure out which order I want parts 1 and 3 done in. Partly due to cost, but mostly because I have a wonderful man helping me and I don't want him to feel burned out or have him think I'm using him for his skills. They're great projects to do, but I also want to spend quality time where we're not sweating because of the extensive work we're doing.

...So, if anyone wants to donate to the projects fund, you can donate via PayPal at... :)

Because nobody would believe me...

2009-02-16T13:36:00.008-05:00

Because nobody would believe me, I decided to show what I did on my three day weekend.

Note: This is NOWHERE NEAR complete. I still have another half the house to do (and I don't get another three-day weekend until Memorial Day, I think), but it's a great progress!

My apologies for not having "Before" shots. If you google-image "Hurricane Damage", I'm sure you'll find things of what it used to look like.

First, let's take the Master Bathroom. It hasn't been REALLY cleaned in quite some time. And by "REALLY cleaned", I'm including scrubbing the shower. I think it looks pretty good:
And, for those of you who know me, that's beyond impressive. Then, let's go to the master bedroom. There were things all over the place in here. But, cleaning it allowed me to do something I'd been wanting to do for over a year: Fix my bed. You see, it's an IKEA bed, and there's cross-braces. Well, the instructions didn't tell me exactly how to install the cross braces, and I found out that if they have the slightest bit of give, they will allow the sideboards to bow enough to allow the bed to try to fall through. I had rigged it temporarily, but now it's safe and secure:
Looks impressive, huh?

Now, for the biggest change (again, I apologize for no "before" picture) is the room known as "The Storage Room" -- You know, that room that gets used as the equivalent of an attic or basement because you don't have either, but have too much junk to keep? Like Christmas and the like. Well, here's the "After" pic of that:
In all, I got the upstairs pretty much done. The living room will be tackled next since I have an afternoon left. I had hoped to make it to the kitchen, but I guess I'll have to find time during the week.

Revenge?

2009-02-12T13:05:00.004-05:00

So, we all heard what happened Tuesday, right?

Well, I'm sitting here at The Company working the day away (kinda like Doozers) and this guy comes up behind me and said "Um, you have a package."

I look at him and said "Excuse me?"

"I have a package here for you."

So I'm seeing this long box from 1-800-flowers.com. Slightly confused I sign for it and then IM my really awesome (and hot) boyfriend asking him what evilness HE's up to.

He claims all innocence (OK, he claimed a Burger King was coming to sing to me)

I open the box and unpack it all, and this is what I got:

And, NO, not the Avaya phone! :)

I feel all warm and squishy inside!

Deliciously Evil!

2009-02-10T11:54:00.004-05:00

So, apparently I was deliciously evil today.

Except, if you want to get technical, I was deliciously evil sometime in the past. The results occurred today.

Below is a snipped of a conversation I had with my Really Awesome (and Hot) Boyfriend:

<Boyfriend> umm soo what evilness are you up to?
<Me> who says I'm up to evilness?
<Boyfriend> the rather large glass vase sitting on my desk
<Me> and?
<Boyfriend> with half my office following said receptionist
<Boyfriend> all trying to figure out where they are going
<Me> ok :)
<Me> there's something wrong with me randomly sending things?
<Boyfriend> to the ooohhh I think someone really likes you
<Me> of course, I'm going to ask that you email me a picture of it -- since like peeps I know really want to see it :)
<Boyfriend> and the two girls down from me going " damn i been here 4 years" and my BF never sends me anything like this... hes been here just a few months and he ALWAYS gets nice stuff from folks..
<Me> hehehehehehe
<Boyfriend> so yeah you suceeded in creating office jealousy
<Me> :-D

I think I did awesome! Of course, I had to ask for a photo of the result, since I really didn't know how it would come out. Here's what he got:
He seems to be beyond thrilled from it. He's now charging admission to his coworkers for them to see his gift. The only thing I didn't think about is the fact he has to take allergy medicine in order to enjoy them. Guess I can't think of EVERYTHING.

I musta been a jew in a previous life

2009-02-10T09:44:00.000-05:00

I thought I had a really awesome deal on my new washer and dryer. Until we went to Home Depot. After doing the math, I learned it was about $175 that HH Gregg needed to refund me (that included their 10% price match guarantee, but didn't include sales tax, so tack another 6% onto that!).

I went back to HH Gregg on a mission. In my initial purchase, I got extended warranties on the washer and fridge, but not the dryer (I was trying to keep costs down a little). So, I went in under the assumption the dryer extended warranty would be the same price as the washer, so I was going to do an even swap to get the extended warranty.

I walked in and the sales associate that I worked with saw me. He was like "ok, what's wrong?"

"Absolutely nothing! I'm loving my fridge and washer and dryer. In fact, the washer and dryer SING to me! I'm extatic about that. I just don't like the fact you said you gave me the best deal in town and I found my washer and dryer for cheaper at Home Depot."

Showed him everything and they started the process of getting me my money back and getting me the extended warranty.

After all was said and done, They gave me the five year warranty AND $67 refunded back to me. I think I got an awesome deal.

...Now, if I can find my fridge for cheaper..... That would be awesome!

Weird Conversation

2009-02-09T13:35:00.004-05:00

So, I just had the weirdest phone conversations. My office phone rang and it said "Conference Room". I answered it.

"Good Morning, this is Smply." (it's like 1:30pm)
"Uh... it's afternoon."
"Yes, but it's morning somewhere."
"Yeah. This is a group of us from SOX, and you were randomly selected to answer this question for us. What would you do if you suspected someone of fraud?"
"Um... tell your manager?"
"What if that person you suspected was your manager?"
"Uh.. HR?"
"What if you wanted to do it anonymously?"
"Uh.. I don't know -- maybe an HR Service Center Line or something?"
"Can you find that number for us?"
"I don't know it -- can't find it on the intranet."

Weirdness.