You must comply!

So, at work I got an email today about some compliance training I must take by today or they'll email my manager.

I was like "I don't remember getting a notice before I had this stuff due" until I sorted through my inbox and found it was initially sent Feb 24.  Oh well.

So, I did the online training thing.  It was a quintet of videos.  Considering the level of stupidness in them, I thought I'd share.

The first one was my favorite by far:

I think the last time I had that level of "OMG, that's just stupid" was when I was forced to watch "Freddy Got Fingered."

Then the training videos went on to a complete joke:

I love the Compliance Officer's look when she tells him to sit down and shut the door.  The only way it could have been better is if they gotten Mrs Davis from Big Bang Theory to be her:

The third video involves something my family has a lot of love for... a bathroom!

I'm thinking it started to get a little more disturbed than the video intended (I think contractor wanted more than her bathroom).

Then, we went on to a crazy lady:

My issue with that video isn't that she took another job that could be conflicting her interest, rather the fact she's not doing her regular job.  Granted, that could be where the conflict stems, but it just didn't catch me.

Finally, we go to a coffee shop:

Yep... apparently stealing money is a conflict of interest.  I thought it was just theft :)

So, now that y'all have seen the videos, you're as compliant as I am with conflicts of interest... Now, where's my unicorn fur gloves?

I got a new pen!

And, it's Social Media related, so I thought I'd share it with you.

Isn't it so cute?

When you hit the button, the saying changes. They say:

• Company posts need company approval.
• Keep business & personal posts separate.
• Protect privacy: yours and others.
• Follow company policies.
• Social Media: think before you post.
• Don't post confidential information.

Wow -- really? People have to be reminded of that?

But, my pen here at work ran out of ink, so I needed a new one. Nice temporary one!

(Notice how I managed to keep all of The Company's logos out of the picture by strategically taking the shot? :D)

We won!

So, The Company had some "Heart Healthy" photo contest where "you and up to 6 of your coworkers" can enter a photo. Something about red and heart healthy is the theme.

Our Fearless Leader suggested it at our team meeting (prior to my Jury Duty) and suggested we all wear red that Friday (since it was "Wear Red For Heart Healthy Friday" anyways) and we would take some sort of picture.

Office Boyfriend suggested we organize ourselves in the shape of a heart. As in the shape in a deck of cards, not the organ. I wonder how they decided that the two were the same... but, I digress.

So Friday came and we were one short as SOMEONE decided to be out sick [or was his son sick? I don't recall]. So, Other Gay was asked to join us. Zebra Girl was also asked to join us somehow. I don't recall how, but it caused us to have to rethink our positioning for the shape.

We decided to do our photo shoot on the 4th floor with the camera person looking over the balcony of the 5th floor. Office Boyfriend gets us in position from overhead, and we take a few photos.

When we look at them, Office Boyfriend's burgundy ["not red"] shirt stuck out like a sore thumb. And we weren't quite a perfect heart shape. So we decided to reshoot that afternoon.

Knowing what we were aiming for, we went back downstairs and got a few more pictures.

Office Boyfriend's shirt still stuck out, but the shape came out more awesome! So, Fearless Leader's husband photoshopped the shirt to be red and this is what we submitted:


No, we don't all look like that, but I wasn't about to post anyone's face without their permission. And, in order to get permission, I'd have to divulge I have a blog, and I'm not about to let any of my coworkers know where it exists. but, in case you were wondering, clockwise around we have:

• Me
• Fearless Leader
• Someone without a nickname
• Other Gay
• Someone else without a nickname
• Office Boyfriend
• Zebra Girl

After we decided we'd submit that, I pointed out we were even more symmetrical with the boy/girl on each side (and even symmetrical when it comes to sexuality, but that's besides the point). So, symmetry makes things more perfect!

We got a notice yesterday that WE WON!

I'm hoping we won fairly and not by default by being the only people who submitted a photo. But, either way, we EACH got a $100 gift card to our little discount store we have here at The Company!

Heh heh -- I said "duty"

So, I had jury duty this week. But, it's actually a lot more interesting than that!

Now, it's been 15 years since I turned 18.

The first time I got a jury duty summons, I was in college. No vehicle. So I had to take a bus from Boston out to Western Mass. After I got there, I called the number that they tell you to call the night before. Apparently my pool wasn't selected to attend, so I had officially fulfilled my jury duty requirement. I took a bus back the next day. Why didn't I wait to take the bus until after I called? Because it's basically a 4+ hour excursion to go from campus to Harvard Square to South Station and wait for a bus to head to Springfield then to Northampton. I wouldn't have made it.

The second time I got a jury duty summons I was moving from Dekalb County to Cobb County. I didn't have to serve.

Then, in January I got my summons for Cobb County.

Crap. I can't just up and move to get out of it. I decided to not put off the pain even though it was a bad time (the random follow-up time would have been just as inconvenient, most likely). So, I suck it up.

Apparently I didn't read it right (or ignored it Mother told me when she said I had told her before) but the night or two before I learned it wasn't jury duty for one day... it was jury duty for ONE WEEK!

Yes, kids -- ONE WEEK!

I thought being out of work for a day was going to be bad, but the potential of being out for a week is ridiculous.

But, I suck it up.

I showed up Monday at 8:30, as ordered. I check in. I sit down and am waiting for whatever is supposed to happen.

The Judge shows up and gives the opening statements greeting us and telling us how awesome we are just by being there. It sounds like BS, but it also sounds about as legit, so I figure it's fine. I mean, "just by being [t]here, we're making justice happen!"

During these statements, I look over to the opposite side and see someone who looks familiar.

Very familiar. WORK FAMILIAR! But I can't get a name for the life of me (It happens before 9:30). But I'm in luck! They're going to be displaying which jury pool we're in on the screens, so I can find the name that way!

The names are going by real quickly, then I see her name! I couldn't remember my boss's boss's name. (Well, technically my boss's boss's boss, but that's splitting hairs). I've met her in a few meet and greets, but seriously didn't think she'd remember me.

So I see her trying to look for her name on the board. I go to her and tell her she's in pool 10. She looks at me and pretty much knows who I am (although I don't know if she had a name or not... later she said my name, but I don't know if she went to ask people who I am through emails or happened to see it on my jury duty summons or if she's really that good). And we're talking. And I said "What are the chances of two of us from The Company being in jury duty together?"

She said "Three. So-and-so from Tax is over there."

So, we all create a little click together and talk and network the first morning. Talking about everything from Glee to kids and on.

10:00 comes and we're told if we parked at the library, we should go get our vehicles at lunch and move them to the closer parking lot (guess what, that's me.. also boss's boss). We really didn't feel like doing all that...

11:00 comes and we're informed pools 1-4 are allowed to go to lunch until 1:30, but the rest of us must stay.

11:30 comes and the rest of us are told we can go to lunch. I asked if we HAD to move our vehicles, and jury duty lady said we didn't, but she suggested it because there won't be transportation back.

My boss's boss asks us where we want to go. We really don't care, as long as we get out of the courthouse. We manage to find Shillings on the Square. And let me tell you it was GOOD!

In the middle of lunch, she starts asking random work things. I joke, "If we're going to talk work, we need to expense lunch." -- she replied "I was already planning on buying lunch." -- I was like "You don't have to do that, but thanks!"

So, it was an even cooler lunch as I got to talk. And, in the middle of eating, we somehow got to talking about tickets and stuff. I asked if The Company had box seats to non-sporting events and she said they do. So, I half-jokingly asked if I could have NKOTBSB tickets when they're in town. She said if nobody else wants them, I can have them. SCORE! That means I hafta remember in June to remind her of her promise! :)

We get back to the courthouse and start to settle in. Then we decide to quickly run to get coffee (chai in my case) to get a little caffeine to wake up. Then we sit and wait... and wait.. and wait...

Finally, about 2:30, the jury duty leader lady comes in and says "Thanks to y'all being here, we moved through 27 cases! So, your being here helped justice happen." -- then told us everyone but pools 1-4 can go home. WOOHOO! I'm in 7!

So, we pack up and head downstairs. Then we realize we don't know the most efficient route to the library. So we ask a bailiff how to get back. He goes and calls someone to give us a ride. NOT what we expected, but thank you! On the way back we get to the library and my reaction was "That's the distance? You're KIDDING me. We could have WALKED that in the time it took you to get the van!"

We were told to call back the jury voicemail line after 6pm to hear our instructions for Tuesday. So, I did and found out we were due to be there for 9:30 the next day.

A little later that evening, I got an email from my boss's boss saying "Yep.. see you in the morning!" -- then she emailed me asking if my license plate was something. I told her it was, but was kinda confused a little.

The following morning, we met up in the courtroom. Started chit-chatting and stuff. She brought up that I caused a song to get stuck in her head thanks to my license plate. I kinda giggled. This is also when I pointed out that not only were there three of us from The Company together, but I work on the 14th floor of the SE tower, Tax-Person works on the 14th floor of the SW tower, and Boss's Boss works on the 14th floor of the N tower. That's all three towers and 14th floor. How much more coincidence can you get?

About 9:45, jury pools 1, 2, and 3 were called back (and a couple additional people because I guess the pools were incomplete?). One of the poor people did not seem like he was all the way there. I mean, he was carrying a couple Publix plastic bags full of bunched up clothes. Kinda like I do when I go visit fambly... throw my dirty clothes in bags... But, I digress... I wasn't on the pool.

This is when I did math. There were 120 of us in the room (although there's usually more it seems, but we'll take that number). Multiply that by $25/day. 5 days a week. 50 weeks a year. That's $780,000/year of our taxpayer money (unless they come from court fees, but still!)

About 10:45 or so, jury coordinator lady comes in and says "I have good news..."

Everyone starts grumbling and groaning, so I proclaim "WOOHOO!!!!!" causing peeps to kinda giggle and lighten the mood.

Jury coordinator lady says "Because you were here, the two cases we've kept you here for were taken care of, so you can go home! One was a really messy divorce and they decided on a bench trial, and the other was a 15-count child abuse case, and they took a plea. And, since justice has been taken care of, you're free to go!"

In our little click, we said it would have been fun to be on the divorce case, but if any of us was on the child abuse case, the person would have FRIED!

So, we left. Had great conversations with boss's boss on the way to our cars and she's actually a VERY COOL person! I like her!

6pm Tuesday I called and we were told we didn't have to come in Wednesday. So I got to go to work. Yay!

6pm Wednesday, I called and we were told we didn't have to return the remainder of the week.

So, my jury duty was a lot of sitting around, but I did get to network some, so it was all cool. And I can't wait to see NKOTBSB! Who wants to go with?

Email I just got

Apparently I'm liked here at The Company.

I was CC'd on the following email:

Smply's Old Manager,

In case you are not fully aware I want to let you know that I appreciate Smply’s extra effort with the schedules database the last few weeks. In a limited amount of time he was able to create a new schedule (33: Major Customers) which required leveraging both Essbase and Oracle (previously always completed by arcplan/Consultant Dude), rework schedules 30, 22, 19, 18, each requiring new data fields/accounts as well as making numerous other improvements to each and every quarterly schedule. I would also like to highlight his efforts in helping IT find what I hope is the solution to our re-occurring “open file” error which has been causing the majority of our system downtime. Finally, I would like to publicize that Smply and I led an interactive database class last Friday where we educated and exchanged ideas with 40+ participants of the database user community. All of these actions are greatly appreciated by Our Department and we are grateful for your, Smply and the COE’s continued commitment to improve and support the schedule database.

Project Manager Dude

My reply?

Oh please -- Tell New Manager instead! :)

Yeah -- I think they like me here!

Is insurance REALLY a good thing?

I confess. I have a bit of a medical condition. The good news is it's in the "pretty much cured" phase, but I still have a few doctor followup visits to go to to ensure I'm continuing staying healthy. This blog posting is NOT about my condition. I will not reveal that condition because it's irrelevant to anyone outside my close personal friends and family.

Anyways, I've been seeing my specialist ever since I was diagnosed with this condition. I want to say that was like 6-7 years ago. At the time of me being diagnosed, my then employer's biggest source of revenue was insurance companies -- because I was working for a health care company (corporate offices, of course -- we all know I can't deal with sick people).

During my visits with my specialist, I've always had to pay my "Specialist Co-Pay". We'll call it $40.

Then, came the unfortunate incident. But, then came the awesome event where I got new employment. Due to timings and other wait times between the two, I had to get on COBRA for about 2 months (And it's minimum 2 months on COBRA, but that's yet another story).

I had a specialist appointment sometime during the month of November -- COBRA had not kicked in yet (you hafta sign paperwork and get that mailed in and processed and yada yada yada), so when I went to see the specialist, they said I was uninsured and charged me for the office visit -- $75. Not a big deal, and I was pleasantly surprised.

This year marked a change in The Company's health insurance plans. We went from a "Co-Pay" system to a "Co-Insurance" system with the non-HMO plan. This means I'm required to pay out of pocket 100% of a doctor's visit until I meet my deductible, then I have to pay whatever co-insurance percentage is. For example, if I have a $500 deductible then 10% after that and I have a $1000 medical bill, I would have to pay $550 ($500 deductible plus 10% of the remaining $500) and insurance would cover the remaining $450. This is where people spent hours of calculations to find the break-even point in medical costs, but that's not the scope of this blog entry.

Back on topic, I had an appointment with my specialist this year. Due to the co-insurance thing, we pay $0 up front and get billed afterward after insurance pays their portion (which is after contractual discounts and whatever other BS goes into the calculations). I got the bill in the mail the other day.

$185.01.

The same visit type as when I was virtually uninsured before COBRA kicked in. Nothing extra.

How the HELL can you justify charging a patient MORE if they have insurance than if they don't? That's like a company offering a program where if you sign up and pay the premium, you get all kinds of perks -- including 200+% markup on products and services -- all just for being associated with them.

It makes me wonder how Obama's Healthcare Reform Bill will impact the same charges. Will the option of "I'm waiting for COBRA to kick in, so charge me the $75" go away? Will people, by default, have a co-insurance plan like The Company rolled out and if I'm waiting for COBRA to kick in I'll be charged $185?

If I had my choice, I would have said "charge me as if I don't have insurance." -- and send the bill to the insurance company to demonstrate I'm working towards my deductible (because they're not going to reimburse anything until I hit that number). And, if I break my leg, I may have more deductible to work through, but it's that much money I've saved if I don't break my leg.

Why can't we do things like this? Or can we? I really would like to know.

How many rules have I broken?

So, on The Company's intranet page, there's an email from our HR Head Honcho. It's about The Company's Social Media policy and how we should be.

Now, let me get this statement out of the way: When I started working for The Company, I asked our HR peeps "Can I still have a blog, even though I don't mention The Company's name and occasionally may say something that could be considered offensive to certain people?" (I mean, face it -- what CAN be said that's couldn't be considered offensive to SOMEONE?). They replied I could as long as I have the disclaimer portion at the bottom of the page you see *points down there*.

Anyways, I'm reading through the policy and have decided to determine how apt I am to be fired. Note: Some information is being removed to help protect the identity of The Company. I mean, if I worked for a company and the policy said "including beverage flavors", that could extremely narrow down who I could potentially work for. And, no, I don't work for them as I don't see me being able to work for a company who produces a product that you have to put Rum or Jack in to make it taste good :)

Don't let personal use of the Company's computers and other equipment interfere with work. While occasional personal use is permitted, it should be kept to a minimum and should not interfere with your job. -- Hrmm.. We won't go there.

Don't expect privacy if you participate in social media while at work or while using Company equipment. Communications made or stored on The Company's equipment or systems are subject to monitoring and disclosure with or without advance notice. Even if you participate in social media outside of work, you should recognize that these communications are typically not considered private under applicable law. -- Of course I don't expect privacy. But, I am posting this using The Company's network :)

Do be a good Web citizen. Be constructive. Remember that the Social Web is about connecting people, ideas and information. You may use it in your own personal ways, but be courteous, be respectful of diversity and exercise good common sense and judgment. -- Courteous? With as offensive as I can be sometimes?

Do respect and adhere to applicable laws, including copyright, trademark, right of publicity/privacy and patent laws. -- That I do. I mean, that'd be a bad thing if I didn't.

Do identify yourself as an employee of The Company (or one of its divisions) and make it clear that any opinions you express are your own and not that of The Company, if your comments (i) refer to The Company's businesses or products, (ii) could be seen as an endorsement, promotion or testimonial for any other product or service by The Company or (iii) could otherwise be construed by the reader as a comment made by you on behalf of The Company.

• This guideline applies even if you are not writing under your name. Your identity is seldom anonymous. It is better to be authentic and transparent and understand that anonymous postings can be linked to your identity.
• If you have your own page, site or blog, at a minimum you should include the following standard legal disclaimer language: "The views expressed on this [blog; Web site; etc.] are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer." In some cases, as discussed below, it will be necessary to specifically disclose that The Company is your employer in this disclaimer.
• If you are a manager or executive, realize that a standard disclaimer may not be enough. Be cognizant that your personal thoughts or opinions may be misinterpreted as expressing views of the Company.
• If you post - on any social media - comments that are related to The Company businesses or products or that could be seen as an endorsement, promotion or testimonial for The Company, fully disclose that you work for The Company (or one of its divisions). Disclosure methods could include a link to your profile or a bio or a more explicit statement in the post such as, "I am an employee of The Company, Inc. The views expressed on this [blog, Web site, etc.] are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer."

Yeah.... We know I don't completely do that. I know some of y'all know who I work for, but a lot of y'all don't know. And I'm violating this rule because I don't want some of my comments to be associated with The Company.

Do write and post responsibly.

• Show proper consideration for your personal privacy, as well as that of others. -- Ok, I don't share names. I mean, who here knows the name of my coworker who almost got hit by a zebra?
  
• Consider that what you write could be published in a national newspaper, reported on television or posted to other social media. -- I'm going to be published? If that ever happens, would I be working for The Company? Wait, maybe I would.... Either way, all my postings get placed on other social media (I post it to Twitter / Facebook... and it gets picked up by Google Buzz for all you freaks...), but I don't count that as big stuff.
  
• Be judicious in your engagement on topics that may be considered objectionable or inflammatory. Never use ethnic slurs, personal insults, obscenity, etc. -- Slurs and personal insults? Oh hells no! That don't happen with me. Oh wait, yes they do.
  
• Be sure that all content associated with you is consistent with your work and with The Company's values and professional standards. -- Oh PUHLEEZE. That will NOT be happening.
  
• If writing about Company-related topics, you can link to official videos produced for The Company Web sites, fan pages & content channels. This means using embedded codes from the respective Web sites, via our Facebook pages or YouTube channels. -- I may occasionally post links, but they may or may not be related to The Company. Who cares where I get my content from? John Doe may be posting the same content as me and nobody cares about him!
  
• If you find (or are sent) a very compelling piece of user generated content ("UGC") or fan video related to the business of The Company, do not post or comment on it. Instead, notify someone in the appropriate Digital Marketing division so that they can determine the best course of action to take. -- If I find an awesome link like this, I'm going to tweet it myself.
  
• Remember that although you have "removed" a comment or post, once something is published online it is a permanent record that easily can be misinterpreted or taken out of context -- Isn't there a Disney PSA about that? Once you put something on the Internets, you can't take it back?
  

Don't share The Company internal communications or information, including:

• Confidential or proprietary information about the Company's performance, finances or future plans. -- How stupid does someone have to be to do that?
  
• Company intellectual property and proprietary information, including content (whether it is aired or unaired), logos, still shots, cartoon characters, promotional materials, photos taken in offices, and the numerous computer programs employees use while at work, among other things. This includes promotional details, which should not be shared unless you have cleared the release of this information with PR. -- So, you're saying I can't send a screenshot of an error message of a software package used by hundreds if not thousands of companies? And you're going to get mad because I take a picture of the snow outside my window? What are we going to do when I start taking pictures like this? That was taken from my cube, which is inside our offices!
  
• Business correspondence, such as executive memos and management communications, among other things. -- Yeah, I won't post those. But, I WILL post things like my Gold Star award, and other things that kinda don't mention any details.
  
• Information regarding legal proceedings or legal matters involving The Company, including any communications to or from legal counsel for The Company, regardless of whether the original discussion included you or was later shared with you. -- So, when I'm fired and sue for the fact I posted this on my blog, they don't want me to make mention of it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :)
  
• See the SBC and the Confidential Information policy for a more full discussion on this topic. If you have any doubts about whether an item is confidential or proprietary, seek guidance before sharing. -- Yeah, I said I wouldn't do anything to bring The Company's name into this. And I did seek guidance when I first started. I even have the email stored off to the side!
  

Don't disclose, reference, or discuss customers, partners or suppliers without their prior approval. -- I talk about coworkers -- but real names aren't involved, so I don't care about approval! :)

Don't use social media hosted outside of The Company's protected Intranet environment for business-related communications. Always use authorized internal Intranet systems to communicate with your colleagues regarding The Company-related business matters. -- So, I shouldn't use AIM to talk about people?

I guess I've been a bad bad boy. Oh well. If we're keeping tabs of the rules I've broken, I'm probably being fired tomorrow!

Who will I piss off first?

Today has been a fun day for me. I have no idea why, but I'm in an especially silly mood.

It started early this morning. One of our IT peeps called me and I wasn't particularly thrilled to talk to anyone. So I answered in my "blah, I'm not awake yet and haven't had my Jesus Chicken Sweet Tea" voice. She said "I wasn't expecting that.." so I did my "OMG, I'm way too hyper and excited to see you so much I might just pee on the carpet" voice.

---

Then, I went to the food court mid morning to get my Jesus Chicken Sweet Tea refill (One's not enough, but I don't drink a full two usually) and the person behind the counter (we'll call her "Kenya") said "With a splash of regular or diet lemonade?"

I looked at her funny and said "absolutely NO lemon!"

She said "I thought you..." and another Jesus Chicken worker said "You have him confused with someone else."

That's when I piped in with "Are you trying to say all white people look alike?"

Needless to say I made another black person blush! :)

---

Finally, where I work, they give tours. Tour guides take groups around and show them a few of the cool sites to see here. One of the stops they make is on the way to the food court for me, and they congregate in the predetermined area and the guide starts talking about division that's on the other side of a wall (with said division's name implanted in giant letters on said wall). Anyways, as I walked by, I heard him say those magical words, so I stopped and did my best Barker's Beauty impression to show off the sign. A couple tourists (I wanted to say tourees until I axed someone else what the term should be) started laughing as the guide happened to turn around and see me doing my impression. He laughed.

---

So, I'm having like WAY too much fun today. I feel almost cabin feverish, but I've been getting out the past few days that it's been beautiful out. Maybe my window view is starting to get to me knowing how beautiful it is outside and I can't be out there.

On another note, it's taking WAY too long for these sacrificial fishies to poop and die!

I am so deliciously evil!

As you may or may not have heard (I'm told it made national news, so it HAD to be a slow news day), a zebra escaped from the circus last week.

That's not the awesome part about it. Before I start to read the massive tweets of a runaway zebra, I get a call from a coworker. She said "You're the only one I can tell this to who'll believe me... but a zebra escaped from the circus, and I was stopped over by the Mac-Donalds over by Five Points and it comes running at me and almost hits me!"

Yes, that's right -- a runaway zebra almost hit my coworker as she was leaving the office. Apparently there was like 20 police cars chasing after it and one officer on foot.

She became a pseudo-celebrity on Friday at work. Everyone wanted to hear the story of how she came face to snout almost literally with a zebra. The only thing I could imagine is the conversation had it hit her car: "Hello, State Farm? Yes, I need to file a claim. A zebra hit my car...... Yes, I live in Atlanta..... Yes, the incident happened downtown Atlanta..... No, I'm not on drugs...."

Of course, I enjoy finding the humor around me everyday. Not that what already happened wasn't funny, but I like making things better.

So, I went out Saturday and found a zebra.

The thing is zebras are apparently very difficult to find.

I couldn't find one at WalsMart. I couldn't find one at Target. I finally went to Toys R Us. I asked the poor guy and inquired, "do you have any zebras?" (pronounced "zeh-bras") -- dude looked at me and said "any what?" -- "Any zebras? Z-E-B-R-A" (pronouncing Z as Zed like every other english-speaking country does) -- he was all confused, but it was worth it.

Finally, we went to the stuffie area and found the following:

Granted, it's not the bestest zebra in the world, but it was gonna hafta do. (And for $5, it wasn't a bad deal)

This morning, I came into work and went up to her and said "Does this look familiar?" and tossed it at her. She jumped until she realized what it was and began laughing.

It's now on display in her cube (she's the one who took the pic), and she's having way too much fun with it!

Short people got no reason to live...

Maybe it's the same "sir-cuss" that was at Princess Sparklepant's employment place, maybe not.

But, anyways, there's a circus here in the general vicinity of where I work. So close that I can see the tents where the aminals are (will be?) in this freezing weather on my way to the Pigeon Pit where I park.

But, that concept is only a small factor in this blog posting.

A coworker and I took a field trip earlier today. On the way back from the Pigeon Pit, we shared an elevator with a couple of circus folk.

The guy was a little shorter than average with GIANT Elvis hair. I mean, it had to be at least six inches tall. But he didn't use grease to make it stay in place, it was probably a lot of White Rain. I REALLY wish I had asked if I could take his picture because I've never seen hair that high on a man. Not even in 70's movies!

The girl looked like she had just came out of Little Five Points (Or, if you're in Boston, Newbury Comics).

Anyways, she turns to him and asked, "If you discriminate based on race, it's racism and you're called a racist. What's it if you discriminate against a midget?"

Elvis-dude looked a little perplexed and said "Midgetism?"

I had to put my two cents in and say "Heightism?"

We departed and I came back to my desk and had to Google it. There was no definitive answer when I searched for "What's it called when you discriminate against a midget?"

Then I decided "If anyone should know, it'd be HR!" So, I emailed a friend of mine's wife who works in HR here at The Company (I haven't officially met her yet because she was busy giving birth at my last Partay).

Then I decided "Yahoo Answers has a bunch of silly things asked, let's see what they say!"

I posted this question and eventually came up with some answers. (I love the response "Snow White")

It seems I was right!

So, there you have it. Apparently Randy Newman is a heightist!

And I just got a response from HR -- she says:

The word for someone who discriminates against “little persons” that comes to my mind would be bigot. Thoughts? Maybe not strong enough?

I'm gonna wet myself laughing so hard!

Just friggin' fix it!

First, you never argue with a customer when missing data is the problem! No matter what the reason is!

Stupid idiot in IT (aka, "THOSE PEOPLE") is pissing me off!

Background: We ran our process to copy our Budget data into our reporting cube. One entire source database did not make it into our reporting cube, along with three business units from another source database.

I log a ticket with IT and they come back with "Oh, we found the problem, we'll fix it."

They do their business and I rerun the process and it fixes the big problem, but we're still missing the three business units from the other database.

A little back and forth and I get a response saying "The data has to be sourced somewhere else because we're excluding it in our export from the other database"

I respond with "That's the only location of the data. When can we get this resolved?"

He calls me and says "I don't understand your problem."
I have to explain AGAIN that there is missing data from our process and he pulls out the whole "Well, the code is doing what it's programmed to do" BS. I continue to argue.

He pulls out this whole "Well, somebody UAT'd it, so it had to be right. That means this is going to be an enhancement."
Then I ask "What's the Forecast process doing?"
"The same thing this one is doing"
"That's not possible!" I rebut.

I ask him to verify... then he comes back with "oh. it's different."

DON'T QUESTION ME, EVEN IF I DIDN'T WRITE IT! I was able to tell you something was different from the get-go! JUST FRIGGIN' FIX IT!

Duck Season! Wabbit Season! Tax Season!

Oh joy of joys, it's tax season. I'm sure Ken Jennings will forever remember H&R Block now...

Anyways, The Company put out our W2s online this week, so I started to do my taxes (and was close to getting a final number until I realized The Suffix owes me a W2 for a few weeks of severance last year). And I started looking at numbers that made absolutely no sense.

I know what my yearly salary should be (approximately).

I looked at my W2 and it was about 7.5% less than my yearly salary. Then I looked at my final paycheck of the year and it was 11.5% less than my yearly salary. That's quite a lot. I mean, we're talking about 42 days worth of salary appears to be missing in my YTD total.

So, I started doing math. I multiplied my bi-weekly rate by 26. I got approximately my salary. That made no sense to me how the numbers could be off that much.

I contacted Payroll and their response was "Your W2 amount is your yearly salary less your pre-tax items." -- That was fine, but what about the missing 11.5%?

They started looking at things for me, but I got antsy. So I started pulling up my paychecks.

I found my starting base bi-weekly amount and discovered I had four paychecks at that rate. Then I found my increase rate and had 22 at that rate. Mathed them up and bam, I got my yearly salary. But, it didn't match my final paycheck of the year.

Then I looked at my paychecks closer. Apparently on my fourth paycheck of the year my payroll company changed from The Company, Inc to The Company Finance & Accounting. I did some quick math and discovered that three paychecks at The Company, Inc totals the amount missing from my final paycheck of the year. Pulled up my Feb 20 paycheck and lo and behold, my YTD totals got reset.

I did further math and found my W2 does indeed match the totals from the two payroll companies less my pre-tax items, so that makes me feel better on my return. Now I just gotta wait for The Suffix to send me off my W2 so I can get my taxes filed.

In other news, I'm trying to find ways to get more deductions without stretching them too much. I know I can deduct a portion of my cell phone bill and DSL because I use them for work as unreimbursed expenses. Part of me thinks if I put work email on my phone I can deduct a portion of the Internet portion of the plan, but I'm thinking that may be stretching it a tad... plus, I don't want people to know I have the ability to be constantly available.

I've tried to count Bradley as a dependent, but, alas, he has no social security number. I find that unfair!

My mortgage interest is getting me quite a nice deduction, methinks. Obviously, it's nowhere near the amount that's getting paid into it, but every little bit helps.

Anyone got any other ideas of deductions I should try to go for? If not this year, next year?

Way too quiet!!

So, as the year winds down, fewer and fewer people are in the office.

Today, on our half of the floor we have four people here. FOUR! Two of us are the Systems Team, so that means there's two financial analysts here. And they're really not doing anything*. I'm the point person for support on the Schedules until the first of the year. There's been a couple little things going on, but nothing major. I'm ready to fall asleep.

I did show everyone this year's picture with Santa!


Awesome, eh? Yeah, I had to de-red-eye both of us, but still... not bad for one of those regular digital photos. I do miss the Atlanta Humane Society doing their Pictures with Santa event. Hopefully when we get out of this "Economic Recession" it will resume.

Anyways, it's been quiet, so that is all the update you'll get now.

*Note: I do not know if they're REALLY not doing anything. They could be working their little hineys off. But there doesn't seem to be much going on.

Yen Dollars! Get your Yen Dollars!

So, as part of my job, I create accounts and departments and other items of metadata for The Company. The requests come in, are reviewed by the Governance Team, and sent to my team for actual creation.

Within a request today, the following was the purpose of a new account:

"A new bank account in JPY Dollars is at Citibank for this new BU, a balance sheet account is required to capture the activities of this bank account."

Yeah. That's what I said as well.

*hangs head in shame*

I can't stand it anymore!

So, I had yet ANOTHER discussion about random things with coworkers and more items that they haven't seen (and in some cases HEARD of), so I decided to start making a list *points over to sidebar*.

I can't believe some of the things they haven't experienced! And these people think Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey are funny. They haven't experienced good humor!

365 Days

So, yesterday marked 365 days with The Company. I thought about saying "525,600 minutes," but that would have inferred I worked that many minutes, and we all know that could never happen!

In fact -- *does math* -- given the assumption I only work eight hour days, I've never lasted at a company for 525,600 minutes. The Suffix was close though. Especially with all those LONG nights I put in to make sure THOSE PEOPLE got their Forecast and Budget systems. But, I digress.

Yesterday was also my work from home day, so when I came into work today, I got the following card on my desk:
And, on the inside:
Yes, I blurred out my name, but left everyone else's in tact. It's just another way to keep y'all from knowing who I really am!

Yes, we all enjoy having to fill out Birthday and Anniversary cards for EVERYONE. There's times where we get like eight in a month, it seems (and for a team of like 20, it gets annoying).

And, yes, Bob did say "Happy birthday" -- he's one of those people who is crazy and jealous of my craziness. Kinda like Monk and Harold Krenshaw.

So, I made it to the 1-year point with The Company. I'm definitely hoping to make it a few more!

I'm a Star!!

Or at least that's what I'm now told. We know I don't like to toot my own horn, but this was just overly exciting.

I came into work this morning with the following email in my inbox (Ok, names have been changed to protect identities):

From: FAStars
To: SmplyUnprdctble
CC: Boss, Boss's Boss
Subject: You've been recognized!

Congratulations, you have been recognized for your Above and Beyond achievements. Your efforts will also be considered for a Gold STAR award as a part of the Finance and Accounting STARS recognition program:

----------------------------------------------------------------

Recognized By: Boss's Boss

Headline: Schedule Design Innovator

Comments: The Schedules Database Project consisted of creating an Essbase cube, Oracle database, and web user interface designed to automate the schedule consolidation and reporting process. This project currently encompasses over 25 CP&R and Tax schedules, including variance reports and censuses. The new database is expected to save CP&R, Tax, and segment consolidation groups countless hours of consolidation time in critical close periods as well as enhance schedule accuracy, security and review controls. Smply has made various outstanding contributions to this project such as: learning new software not currently employed in the company; modifying and creating new schedules for the software; ensuring that peers were trained on issue resolution and new processes; making creative and innovative solutions to handle schedule workflow issues and long running schedules for international users; extending the software capabilities by designing new ways to save, print, and debug issues. He has even been able to create new processes for solutions that the outside consultant from the software company could not provide. Smply was able to create a proof of concept solution for one of our issues within 24 hours while the outside consultant quoted a work effort of 2-3 months. Smply has made quiet but far-reaching contributions to this project that will be felt by everyone that uses the schedules database. He has been instrumental in making the CP&R Schedules Project a success. Great Job!!

----------------------------------------------------------------

If you are selected as a Gold Star winner you will be notified by your manager after quarter end.

Thank you for your contribution and for helping us set the standard for our 21st Century Finance Organization.

I was like "OMG! I'm excited!" Then I saw this email from the Director of the department:

From: SuperBigBoss
To: SmplyUnprdctble
CC: Boss, Boss's Boss
Subject: FW:

Smply:

I AGREE COMPLETELY!!! Thanks for the outstanding work on this project. You’ve provided creative solutions to our challenges, and have been a key to the success of this project from the beginning. Great job!

Dudes! I'm running around on cloud 9! The only thing that could make this any better is....

Dudes, I am awesome beyond compare!

Not that the Interwebs didn't already know that. But why this time?

Let's set the story. Picture it: The Company, Yesterday.

I'm sitting in a meeting with my boss, the project manager, and consultant dude. We're trying to figure out this whole "printing" situation that has existed in the system since the day it went into design with the consultant. You see, it's consultant's job to build us this awesome system where users can input data and it will consolidate up and save a lot of people a lot of time. One of the requirements has been the ability to save off all these data input sheets (something about SOX?), and TECHNICALLY we can do that from the get-go by opening up the sheets and doing a save-as, but that's a LOT of work when you have 30-50 of these submitted.

So, we're talking about ideas on how to get this created. I suggest an idea that is shot down by the consultant saying it will not work. I'm looking at the phone like "Why? It's... SIMPLE!"

A few more ideas come around and consultant basically says it's not possible without a total redesign of the system since it wasn't designed for this from the beginning (who's fault is that?). He said it would take 2-3 months to get this to work IF it was possible.

So, consultant dude basically said my idea can't be done, and the whole problem is probably not possible.

I don't take "NO" for an answer. (Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing).

So, I spent today seeing if my idea was actually feasible or not. It's not like I pushed off anything else I was working on (Ok, I pushed off a report, but it's technically not due 'til Monday and it takes 10 minutes to pull up).

After about an hour, I started thinking "Hrmm... this might actually work."

After two hours, I had a proof of concept that actually worked.

After about five hours, I had it fully built (and UNTESTED) with the exception of an integration into the web front-end (I don't even have access to that source code to even attempt to do that).

I fired an email off to my boss and the project manager with the output of my prototype saying "2-3 months went by quite quickly."

I haven't heard back from them (as one of them was on vacation today and the other was working from home and probably clocked out by the time I sen tthe email) yet, but I think they'll be quite pleased.

"I think he's on drugs"

So, one of my fellow Bentley Alumns (different year though) has been trying to land a job. I'm pulling for him (c'mon, his Musical Resume is wicked awesome. Someone needs to hire him NOW I say!).

Anyways, he just changed cellphone companies and I twittered that he can now get pranked by potential employers and that I had a story about my past similar. I thought I'd share (and for those of you who already know this story, SUFFER through it again!)

As my five readers (yes, I've somehow upgraded it seems) may or may not know, when I first moved to Atlanta, I had difficulties finding a position in the IT field. This was shortly after I lost my job in Boston due to the Dot-Com Bust. I was tired of Boston, so I moved to Atlanta. After SEVERAL months of searching (and a few interviews), I was getting desperate with money running out, so I applied for and got a position waiting tables at Waffle House.

Yes, I said it. Waffle House.

Don't believe me? Here's a pic or two:

I started working around Christmas time of '01 and spent thirteen LONG months there working the night shift (9pm-7am).

Now, enter December '02. My regular Waffle House schedule was Sunday-Wednesday 9pm-7am. I woke up that Wednesday night to go into work and I had no hot water. I called the emergency number for my apartment complex and they promised to have someone out first thing in the morning. Gee, I get to go to work unshowered. Luckily I showered that morning...

I worked my ten hours and left about quarter after seven. I stopped by Jesus Chicken on the way home to get my "breakfast-dinner" and I went home to wait for the hot water heater guy.

He showed up about 8:30 (Oh yeah, did I mention I complained loudly that I work nights and needed him to come as early as possible so I didn't lose much sleep?) and replaced my hot water heater. 11:30 he was done and I was PRAYING for the hot water to heat up so I could shower and go to bed. Noon I did one of those "quick showers" since I knew I had minutes of hot water then went to bed.

About 2:00pm my cell phone rings. I'm dead to the world at this point (as it's the equivalent of a "normal person" being called at 2am after getting to bed after midnight). I hear the words "health care" in the caller's greeting, so I go into "telemarketer mode" -- which is where I unconsciously answer all the questions and when they ask if I'm interested, say no. Hey, if you're gonna waste my time, I'm gonna waste yours.

Anyways, I get to the "Are you interested?" part of the conversation and I say "no." -- She asks why and states that it would be a great opportunity and I start to wake up and realize I had been on an initial phone screen interview. I explain the ordeal to the HR person and set up an interview for a few days later. (The company was basically a managed health care organization -- think nursing homes)

(That part of the story is the reason for the aforementioned Twitter update)

Of course, these interviews are AFTER my regular shifts at Waffle House, so I'm PRAYING I don't yawn or fall asleep during them.

My first interview was with the lead technical guy. It was a "how well do you interact" interview. The only thing I really remember from the event was him saying "eh" and I jokingly asked if he was from Canada. He made some snide "Stupid Americans" remark saying I wouldn't even know where Nova Scotia (the province he's from) was -- I proudly described it's location then informed him I cheated 'cuz my sister's husband's (ok, he wasn't husband at the time) family is from there.

The second interview was with the boss man. Again, one of those "how well do you interact" interviews. He also said his whole vision for the system they were creating.

Oh yeah, did I mention I NEVER dealt with the database software I was interviewing for? But they loved the fact I had a multi-dimensional background. Of course, I'm throwing out ideas that I pick up on things fast and am doing anything I can to get the position.

I'm asked back for a THIRD interview. This was when I interviewed back with Canadian on a more technical basis and then I got to talk with the two Financial Analysts I was going to support. Now, back to the idea I had NEVER dealt with (or even heard the word Essbase before), I'm supposed to be able to do some technical stuff with it? Ok, here goes.

Canadian is interested in my debugging skills. So he shows me some of the actual real-life calculation problems he's encountered with Hyperion's piss-poor compiler error messages as to what's wrong. I reiterated that I had never seen Essbase prior to this encounter, but was able to find all four problems in the four scripts he showed me (one he admitted it took him three hours to discover the problem and I found the missing semi-colon in thirty seconds).

I then got to sit with the Financial Analysts. Honestly, I didn't like them. They seemed snooty to me. (Later I realized how awesome and cool they were and admitted my first impression to them -- they said they get it all the time).

I then got called back for a FOURTH interview. Yes people, I said FOURTH. This is getting to be the equivalent of running 14-hour workdays in order to do the commutes and such.

The fourth interview I interviewed with the SVP of the Finance Dept (I wasn't in IT, I was in the Finance Dept as IT couldn't figure out the exact needs of the users). Dude told me it was between me and this other girl and told me I practically had the job, there was just logistics they had to go through. I'm wondering why he's telling me all this, and later hear him say he's leaving the company soon anyways, so he's wondering why he had to interview me. Gee.

I got home about noon after that interview and went to bed. For some reason I woke up about 2:30 and went downstairs (where my phone was charging) and I had a voicemail. It was the HR peeps from said company wanting to talk to me. I called them back and I got a job offer (after about a month of interviews).

Of course, when I went and told my manager at Waffle House, he BEGGED me to stay (apparently I was the ONLY one of his employees he could trust). I told him I couldn't because Waffle House didn't offer me the benefits and such that this new position. Not to mention daylight hours!

Fast forward one year. We're doing our celebrations of birthdays and anniversaries. Canadian dude proclaims the following story:

When we were looking to fill the new Hyperion position, I sent HR on a quest to find people. I got a call back from HR saying "I think we found someone for you. But I think he's on drugs!" I took a chance and still interviewed him and we've gotten an awesome resource out of him. Sometimes I still think he's on drugs, but at least I know it's his personality.

The moral of the story? "When life is looking gloomy, bright things will come." Or is it "When you get a call while sleeping, don't automatically go into telemarketer mode or you'll sound like you're on drugs"?

Swine Flu

So, I've started up my coughing again.

That "I feel like there's something in the back of my throat when I try to breathe, so I end up doing a pretty big cough" kinda cough.

It's a throat cough, not a chest cough. But it's a cough.

But, I'm doing the coughing. The coworker of mine who sits in the next cube over (I swear I need to get nicknames for these peeps) keeps saying "Bless You."

So, I finally responded -- "Thanks. I think I have Swine Flu -- and I've had Swine Flu since before it was cool to have Swine Flu!"