SURPRISE!

Dear Internets,

I know it's been a while since I've posted. Mostly because I haven't had a lot to post about. Until now.

You see, I'm famous for my surprises. It's happened more than once.

Anyways, Mother was having minor surgery* today. I decided that I wanted a break from work, so I thought, "Self, why don't you surprise her and show up when she's waking up from the surgery?"

Knowing I'd need an insider, I IM'd Sis and said "I think I'm gonna come up and surprise Mother!" The idea was she and I would wear the same shirt. As she's dropping Mother off, she would say "Like my shirt? Smply got it for me for my birthday. And when Mother was waking up, I'd go in and when she asked what I'm doing here, I'd say "Don't you remember? I brought you here? I even showed you the shirt Sis got me for Christmas!"

She and I worked out details. I flew into Boston yesterday and stayed with friends in NH (per usual, only this time we didn't have lobstah. Still a bit sad about that, but I'll survive).

Anyways, I headed out to Western Mass this morning sporting my shirt. and arrived at the hospital fairly close to noon. I gave Sis a hug and REALLY HAD TO PEE!

We're sitting in the waiting room waiting for the magic screen to change colors as Mother went through the various stages of surgery. Then her doctor comes out and says "She's done" -- we were like "but.. the colors didn't change!"

I go back there and turn the corner and Mother says "What the f--k are you doing here?" Amazing! She recognized me without glasses!

She was all excited and happy to see me. I really made her day. Put a smile on my face.

We're talking and stuff as she's waiting to be let go and she said she had a dream last night that I showed up. (Last night, I even talked to her and I told her she may have hallucinations as she's waking up from the anesthesia, and she was like "I better not see you!"

I giggled.

While at the hospital, we decided on how to surprise Nan. Initially, I wanted to have Mother go upstairs and say "Guess who picked me up from the hospital." But that kinda would give something away. So, instead we decide on "You'll never believe who I saw at the hospital."

So, Mother gets discharged about 2ish. We head home, and get Mother in Sis's place. My cousin is heading downstairs for a smoke, and I'm motioning for him to not say a word. Mother pees and then we head upstairs to see Nan, with me sneaking in tow.

Mother goes in and Nan's like "How are you feeling?" (all while she's on the phone with my aunt) and Mother says, "You'll never believe who I saw at the hospital."

Nan is like, "Ray?" (whoever that is)

I poke my head in the door and quietly say "Surprise" as to not give her a heart attack.

She doesn't hear me.

"Surprise!", I proclaim a little louder.

The third time I say Surprise, Mother points at me. Nan's like "OOOHH!!! What are you doing here?"

The nieces were pretty funny. I came back downstairs and the eldest was in the living room as I poked my head in. Her eyes went HUGE and said "What are you doing here?"

The younger was HILARIOUS. She was at gymnastics, so Sis went to go pick her up. she came running in and turned the corner in the living room and was asking (who she presumed was her dad) where the eldest was. Then her eyes went gigantic and said, "WOAH!"

So, that's my latest story, Internets. It's been pretty fun so far (except it's warm up here and people don't believe in air conditioners. I don't quite understand that). I have other news related to work I'll post later. I don't want to bog down my fun surprise with boring work stuffs.

Love y'all!

P.S. You should call me using the link to the right and say how much fun you thought the surprise was!

*The minor surgery was she had to have growths removed from her areas.

Things your mother doesn't want to hear

So, I just got a call from Mother. She was telling me about all her tests she had done and that she should know this week possibly when she can come visit.

Anyways, somehow she got on the conversation and she said that she was going to get in her jammies. I told her I sleep in less than jammies, so when the ghost bothers her when she's here, knock first before she comes bug me in my room.

She replied "It's not something I've never seen before."

I come back with "Oh, there's things you've never seen."

She thought about it for a minute. Then was like "Ok, I DON'T want to know!"

:)

Who the Internets thinks I am

So, on my facebook page, I started the discussion about the 2010 Census and something came out on Internet searches in "public databases."

The site brought up is Spokeo.

The example link provided against someone looked a little uncanny, so I decided to search for myself.

This is what it thinks I am:
Ok, early 30's, check.
Caucasian, check.
Single, check
Reading? Seriously?
Gemini? Um... NO!
Children? Ok, they get that one as a TECHNICALITY
And I like to think my neighborhood is Above Average!

But, that's not all that's on the page:
Again, loves reading? Seriously? Do they think I'm my sister?
Healthy Living? They obvi don't go through my trash!
Subscribes to magazines? No I don't. The one magazine I get, I don't know how I'm getting it and how to stop it!
Donates to causes? Ok, only aminals!
And, really, I'm not interested in politics.

But wait, there's more!
There's that technicality of children again.
It thinks I don't have central air or heat? In this state? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
And seriously? Home value? I WISH! Can a home be valued that much without central? In this state, that is -- obvi Massachusetts would be different.

I went further. I searched my sister under her maiden and married names. Her married name has next to nothing, but her maiden name has a bit more. And her husband looked pretty uncanny with all his interests.

Alas, it didn't have my grandmother, and she's been in that house for like 85 years.

Guess we can't truly trust everything on the Internets!

Huzzah for Google Voice!

So, we've all heard that Hawaii has been under a Tsunami Watch because of an earthquake in Chile. As devastating as the whole idea of everything is, I'm not going to continue to feed into that. My blog isn't a news feed. And being in Georgia, I don't have any of the details.

But, I DO know someone who lives in Hawaii. My wife*. Except, we learned we can't live together, and it's a good thing we're not attracted to the same men.

Anyways, she lives in Honolulu, and works for an oceanfront hotel. When the Tsunami Warning officially started, I hadn't heard from her after sending a text message in the morning. So, I tried to call.

I used my cell phone (provider not mentioned because I don't think it matters), and was either getting the fast busy signal, or an automated message saying "Your call did not go through."

CNN was showing interviews via cell phones, so I figured coverage was still going on. Especially since nothing officially hit at this time, so I imagined it was just a lot of network congestion going on.

I also have a Google Voice account. So, I attempted to call her with my Google Voice account. Amazingly enough, it went through!

I don't know if it was pure luck in timing, or whether it's the fact Google Voice is VOIP and ends somehow directly in Hawaii, but the couple times I called using Google Voice, I got through, but using my cell provider**, I didn't.

So, not only am I singing the praises of Google Voice for the fact people can call me with one number and connect to a bunch of numbers I'm on, and I can text people using a website, but now Google Voice was the only network I have access to in order to call a network-congested area! :)

Also, nobody is leaving me calling me from my link to the right. Seriously people, you should! I understand I have like 6 readers, but that's not the point! I should have at least six calls!

* No, I'm not really married. She's my bestest friend and we share everything a married couple should.

** Technically, I'm still using my cell provider as I still have to connect to Google Voice. I'm just not using my cell provider to get to the call to the endpoint.

I'm starting to understand Mother?

Happy Holi-daze season!

I just want to update my six readers with the banter from my holi-daze.

Christmas Eve, the gaybors invited me over for Christmas Eve dinner. It was pretty cool. I somehow ate too much, but not sure how as I barely ate anything. Dessert was AWESOME! They went to Swinging Richards afterwards, but I declined that offer.

Christmas Day, I spent with my friends Kurt and Heidi. I used to work with Kurt a few years back (he left The Suffix quite a bit before The Suffix decided to lay me off -- He's also a HUGE Star Wars geek). It was fun catching up with him, and Heidi made an AWESOME dinner and I made my pineapple bacon pound cake. It kinda fell apart a little, but it still tasted AWESOME!

There was one amusing anecdote from the evening. Straight married men are so funny when they get trained that everyone is apparently married. He kept asking me questions in plural ("Where do you two live?") and I kept responding in singular ("Well, *I* live over off of..."). He didn't quite get it.

On the first day of Kwanzaa, Eleven and her husband hosted a Kwanzaa party. It was awesomeness full of non-PC-ness. I mean, we had a catfish fry for it. We would have had watermelon also, but it's out of season. Also, there was a Caucasian Pachyderm Gift Exchange. I brought the same thing I brought to the office Caucasian Pachyderm Gift Exchange: A Flush Light. The funny thing is it was actually STOLEN during the gift exchange by someone when their turn came up. I was highly amazed at that. I first had a Wolf in Sheep's Clothing hat that apparently came from China. It was a wolf hat that had a sheep level that could be put up there. Or you could be a sheep in wolf's clothing :) It got stolen from me and I ended up getting beard trimmer in the end. Which I did post-trading to get some Glitter Star thinggie from Pier One.

After all this, though, the scariest thing happened. I began to understand Mother a little. See, she calls all her bar friends her brother or sister or mom or dad. It's quite disturbing. Anyways, after spending the holi-daze with my close friends, I realized they're like family. It (in a small way) left me into the idea that Mother views all her "bar family" as really close friends and that's why she calls them as family names. Of course, I don't quite go to the level of calling my awesome friends as "My Brother" or "My Sister", but they're like my little extended fambly here in Georgia (and in Louisiana 'cuz those fambly members decided to leave me, but I digress).

So, Merry Holi-daze to my local extended fambly! I love y'all!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Not much exciting has been going on. Well, it has, but things I won't be putting in the blog. We'll see what happens.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas was on TBS Sunday. I was all excited to watch it. I don't care if it's before Thanksgiving.

So, Eleven invited me to Thanksgiving tomorrow. I volunteered to make a pineapple bacon pound cake. For some reason everyone's all over it. It's in the oven now. I can't wait to see how it comes out because I'm working on perfecting the recipe.

I haven't decided if I'm doing Black Friday shopping yet. I usually do, but I haven't found anything I want yet. It's driving me a little batty.

Until then, MERRY THANKSGIVING!

Also, I ate out three females

So, I went out with a group of awesome friends last night for my birthday at the Hu Ke Lau. Big fun was had by all!

We got there and had some foodstuffs. Triple Lobstah, to be exact! Oohh, it was good. Except, out of the twelve lobstahs that came out on the table, I managed to somehow get three chicks.

They had good drinks also. Very good drinks!

After dinner, they brought out the awesome carrot cake Carla bought for my birthday (it's healthy 'cuz it has carrots in it!). Awesome happy birthday montage and everything. Needless to say it wasn't just my birthday, but it was great!

After cake, they asked for people to come up on stage to learn some traditional dance. Of course, I was invited up, and we were dancing while waiting for the lessons:



Shut up! I know I can't dance! (more about that in a minute)

Anyway, we're introduced to the "Fruit Salad" dance. Here's a little preview of us learning:



That's where things take a twist. Apparently as we're "Fruit Salading", one of the hula dancers brings me back stage. I was hoping to come across the hot male dancer, but, alas no. I was placed into costume and informed she and I were going to go out and perform some special dance.

While all that happened, my sistah apparently got to learn another fruit salad:



Then it happened -- I was told we're going to go out on stage and perform the special dance.

"Are you ready?"

"Uh..."

And I'm thrown out in the middle of the stage like some bad sitcom. Spotlight on me. I have no idea what's going on. So, I start dancing (again, shut up!)



Oh yeah, I was bad!

Finally, chickie showed up and we did our thing. It was pretty fun:



At the end, there was a huge bump with me in the middle. Carla informs me some guy just gawked insanely and she had to holler "BUT HE'S GAY!"

In all, I've decided I have awesome friends up here that I totally miss while I'm in Hotlanta. Maybe I can convince some of them to come down for a visit! :)

My own mother didn't recognize me!

So, I did it again. I showed up unannounced.

I flew into Boston Logan International Airport yesterday afternoon. I stayed with a pair of awesome friends of mine in Portsmouth, NH for the night. We went out for twin lobstah to celebrate my birthday. It was GOOOOD!

Then I got up this morning (which coincidentally is my birthday) and saw a tweet from my sistah saying it's snowing. I laugh at her and log into my AIM account and head towards Western Massachusetts.

During the drive, she and I have a bit of conversation (heaven bless technology allowing me to AIM from my phone to eliminate any potential suspicion). When I arrive in town, I show up at her place d'emploi and get to the top of the stairs and proclaim, "You know why it's snowing, right?"

I could tell she was about to say "No, why?" -- but she pauses and stares for a moment and goes "YOU JERK! You need to quit showing up unannounced!"

I told her we needed to come up with some way to surprise Mother. I told her to make some excuse to go to WalMart or something.

Then, I decided it was Nan's turn. I thought about calling her, but decided I'd knock. I'd be good.

When I got there, my cousin and his son had just arrived and she was closing the door. I said "Heylo!"

Nan (in her 85 years on this earth) was a little startled as she turned around to see what was going on. She got all excited and I gave her a hug and was like "Don't collapse on me! Don't collapse on me! Don't collapse on me!"

I sit and talk to her for a bit and she said she had to go get a nerve pill thanks to me. I know, I'm a bad grandson.

My sister got home and said she told Mother that she wanted to go to WalMart after her husband got home. I told her that was too late. But! My sister knew which bar Mother was in, so we decided to just go there and show up.

I would TOTALLY have video this time, but my camera's battery was dead (some idiot didn't check to make sure the camera was in the "off" position when arriving in NH).

Since we all know all about my mother, I'm not even going to go into the details back story.

We walk into the bar and Mother's back is turned. Sistah is motioning the "shh" symbol telling everyone to be quiet. I put my arm around Mother and say "Well hello!" and give her a kiss.

Sis comes right behind and we're having a jolly old time talking. I make comments about "No heart attacks this time?" and talk about various things from the last visit and she's clueless. After about two minutes I say, "What? No happy birthday?"

She rebutes with "It's your birthday too.... You f**ker! What are you doing here?"

I start laughing and go "What, you didn't recognize me?"

"Nope! I was gonna call <sister's> later and ask who came here with her and gave me a hug and kiss."

HOW EMBARASSING! Not even recognizing you!

It was a sad sad day

One year ago today was very tragic in my life. We still haven't come up with a name for it because nothing goes well with "Thursday" to acknowledge how horrible it really was.

You see, one year ago today, I went to work at The Suffix in a very unsuspecting manner. I was happy-go-lucky trying to get systems to be all happy and cooperative and stuff like that. It was great.

Then 2:00 came and everything changed.

On my calendar was a 1-on-1 meeting with my manager. It was initially scheduled for Tuesday, but got shifted to Thursday. Not usually a big deal. The meeting was also changed from a conference room on our floor to a conference room in the basement. That was weird, but I figured nothing was available upstairs.

At 2:30, I headed downstairs and entered the Red Oak Conference Room and saw two people -- my manager, and our HR representative. "This can NOT be good, I thought."

I was informed that due to the current economic crisis, my position was being eliminated. My manager left the room and I was sitting with HR.

She explained what was going to go on. As of Halloween, I would be severed. They asked if I'd continue to work until the end of the month, but work more on focusing to find a new position. Anything I had to do for this came first, and The Suffix work came second. We went through the standard paperwork and the first thing I noticed was my age on one of the forms would be wrong as of the layoff date. She inquired and I said "Next week's my birthday. Happy birthday, I'm getting laid off!"

I kept as much composure as I could and went back upstairs. I happened across Princess Sparklepants and she was like "Do you need to go for a walk?" I responded "YES!"

We went outside for a few minutes and she was apologizing left and right. She said she knew and it was killing her that she couldn't tell me. I told her I was glad she didn't because I didn't want her to risk her job. And, to this day, I think she's awesome in the fact she didn't let anything on. I know much it hurt her to be on the inside with bad news about the people she cares about.

I went back upstairs and packed up for the day. I walked outside and called my chiropractor and asked if I could see her early. She asked if everything was ok, and I said no. She asked what was wrong and I said I couldn't say at the moment. Of course, her next response was "I'll be at the office in ten minutes." (I love her for that!)

I met her at her office and she asked what was wrong. I let out the water works and started bawling on her shoulder (which isn't difficult when I'm 6'1" and she's 5'3 3/4"). She keeps trying to figure out what's going on and I finally muster out "I'm being laid off."

We talk for a bit and she kinda cheers me up, but not really. I went home called a few people to give them the bad news, went to my favoritest chinese restaurant with a friend, posted this, then went to bed all depressed.

I mean, what was going to happen to me? To Bradley? To my house? I was beyond lost.

Friday, I got up and moped around. I started working on my resume (too bad I didn't think of a video resume....), and was getting more and more depressed. Then, out of the blue, I had a great idea! I was going to throw a party to celebrate the fact I was getting laid off! Thus birthed the "I'm over it" phase of it all.

I started basic planning of that, and tried to see what else I could do.

The following Monday, I showed up at work (mainly to provide the face time -- not really wanting to focus on The Suffix work), and played around with my resume. I stopped by friends desks and informed them of the news if they hadn't heard yet. The composure came and went, but nothing came bigger than eyes swelling up with tears.

That Wednesday was the 15th, and my standard work from home day. So, I got all settled in and was playing with my resume.

About 12:45, I logged onto computerjobs.com and searched for my specialty. The first posting I saw I was like "I can do this!" and sent in my incomplete resume. I've sent in thousands of resumes in the past to these recruiters only to have them ignored, so what's one more incomplete resume?

At 1:00, I had to hop on a conference call (That I didn't want to be on), and call waiting kicked in. I answered it and it was the recruiter. He asked if I had time to talk and I told him I was on a conference call, but can hang up with them to talk. We had a conversation about how much he liked my skills and wanted to present my resume to the client. I said "Ok" and he informed me the client was The Company.

I was like "you're kidding, right?"

"No -- why?"

"I've wanted to work for The Company for YEARS! In fact, I've joked with The Suffix that the only way I'd willingly leave them was for The Company!"

He said he'd give me a call back and work on when I can interview.

Hope began to spark. I told a few people I had an interview coming up.

The following Monday I had the interview. And I thought it went BAD. HORRIBLY! So wrong that I didn't even call the recruiter back after it. Tuesday, the recruiter calls me and asks how it went. I informed him "Horrible -- worst interview of my life."

The next words out of his mouth were quite odd to hear: "Weird. They said they like you and want you to come back for another interview."

"Dude, this is no time to play with my emotions."

"No, seriously. They like you."

I'm flabberghasted, and get a second interview set up for the following Monday. This time, it was a lunch interview (Gee... not only is there pressure to be personable, but I have to EAT in a monkey suit as well?).

The following Monday I had said interview, and we went out to lunch and the theme was Italian. "Great... I'm going to be in the monkey suit AND have to deal with Italian food? PLEASE DON'T LET ME DROP FOOD.. PLEASE DON'T LET ME DROP FOOD!"

The lunch interview went great. So great that I forgot I was wearing the monkey suit. After lunch, we headed over to HR with that portion of the interview. Hiring manager said there was a second contendor for the position and her second interview was the next day and Wednesday or Thursday I should hear. Of course, mentally I'm like "Are they going to hire the homosexual or the female?"

The logistics are talked out with HR, and I head home and get out of the monkey suit. I talk with recruiter dude and he heard good things, so it's the waiting game.

Wednesday came and went.
Thursday came and before it went, I emailed the recruiter asking if he heard anything. Bad news -- there was some sudden budget deadline that appeared and they wouldn't make a decision 'til Friday or Monday.

I think to myself, "How hard is it to say 'Hire Smply'?"

I'm talking with a coworker at The Suffix and he tells me my name's being said a lot in HR. I try to figure out how he knows that until I realize his wife works for HR in The Company. He didn't know much but my name being said, so I thought that was positive thoughts (or he was just lying to me to keep me in a positive mood).

Friday was not only Halloween, but my last day at The Suffix. I wrote my tearful goodbye email and had my exit interview (that ran long), and left. I got home and had absolutely nothing to do. Until I was invited out Trick or Treating by Beanie.

Somehow during Trick or Treating, I managed to collect a bag and actually start getting candy (which wasn't really impressive 'cuz it was stuff I wouldn't eat -- so much for collecting food for unemployment).

Saturday was the "Smply got laid.....off!" party. As my Furby would call it, "Big fun!" I even got a "RIP" tombstone from Party City and put The Suffix's logo under it. It was great!

Sunday I went to take down the black balloons from my mailbox and the dog groomer was at gaybor's house and said "Someone had a big birthday..." -- I replied "nope, I had a 'I got laid off' party" -- her look was priceless!

Monday, I woke up and went downstairs and started working on my resume. Bradley was very confused as to why I wasn't at work. About noon, I finally decided to hop in the shower. When I got out, I emailed the recruiter asking if he had heard anything. Fifteen minutes later, my phone rang and it was him.

He started all the smalltalk that I HATE! Asking how my weekend was and all that jazz. "GET TO THE POINT!" I wanted to demand, but I was being nice.

He finally got around to the meat of the conversation: "So, do you still want to work for The Company?"

"Um, yes!"

"Well, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is they really like you and would like to extend you an offer."

"Ok....?"

"And the bad news is they don't want to pay you what you asked. They want to pay you more."

Of course, it wasn't extensively more, but I was happy with the number they came up with (Heck, I was happy with the number I came up with). We talked through logistics and I told him I would prefer to take two weeks off before so I could scare my fambly.

In any event, it was a sad sad day a year ago today. But everything turned out for the better. It's great to have friends and fambly (and friends who are basically fambly) out there to reach out for support!

Email Time!

This is the email my sister CC'd me on as she was sending it to a radio station. True story.

I only heard a brief segment of your phone-ins this morning about things being flushed down the story and what makes it worthwhile to fetch. It really brought me back to my childhood. I'm 28 right now. Let me tell you a story.

Quite a few years ago, when I was probably 8-10 years old, my brother (he is 3.5 years older than me) & I went trick-or-treating on Halloween and I always finished my candy before anyone else did so, it was probably a week after Halloween or so and I wanted some candy. So, what's a girl to do? She goes and asks big brother for some candy. You think he'd give me any? Of course not! SO, I had to put up a fight. I followed him around the house begging and finally followed him to just outside the bathroom door.

Here I am, outside the bathroom door banging on it saying, "Just a lollipop, all I want is a lollipop!" and hearing "no" as a response, SO, I kept it up, FINALLY he finished his business & pulled up his pants, so the door opened and he yells "FINE!" and flushes the toilet, reaches down just to the side of the toilet and pulls a dum dum pop out of his candy bucket, as he goes to hand it to me, it hits the flusher and falls in the toilet. The toilet is still flushing and he reaches his hand in the toilet and grabs the dum dum back out and tries to give it to me.

"EWWWWWWW! I'm not eating THAT! I want a CLEAN lollipop!" I said.

I never DID get a lollipop, but it brings tears of laughter to my eyes EVERY time that story is told.

So, for my brother, he'd sacrifice reaching in the potty to save a dum dum pop. Me, on the other hand, I've never reached in the potty, but I'd probably save my book or my cell phone LOL

Meme -- whatever that is

Dudes, Princess Sparkle Pants was mean and tagged me.

The Rules for this meme:

1. Respond and rework. Answer the questions on your blog. Replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention, and add one more question of your own.

2. Tag other people.

What is your current obsession?
CK Obsession? No wait, that's not it.

What are you wearing today?
Clothes. Specifically jeans and a polo shirt. Not from Polo though.

What’s for dinner?
I heard a rumor RuSan's.

What would you eat for your last meal?
Jesus Chicken Breakfast!

What relaxes you the most?
What's relaxed?

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Just the next hour? I need a lot longer than an hour to visit Australia!

Which language do you want to learn?
English. Definitely English.

What do you love most about where you currently live?
The fact it hasn't burned down with all the problems we've found? Also, I *HEART* the way my dining area is inset.

What style is your current home decorated in?
It's decorated?

If you were a time traveler what era would you live in?
I've said it once, and I'll say it again -- I HATE TIME PARADOXICALITIES! Stupid Marty McFly....

What is your favorite color?
*points to a box of 96 Crayolas* That color!

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?
I cannot state that in this blog.

What were you doing ten years ago?
Ten years ago? I can barely remember ten minutes ago. Let's see... I was a computer geek for a small consulting firm in Bwahston. Was roommates with a short person. REALLY short person. Seriously, she's 4'10. I'd hate to see when she starts shinking from age.

If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on?
Again, can't say that in this blog. People will think I'm a pervert.

What are you going to do after this?
Cuss out IT more.

What are your favorite films?
The Lion King! Yeah... that's it.. Also the first three Star Wars films. And by "first three", I mean Episodes IV, V, and VI.

Your favorite books?
I'm so bored with reading lately.

Do you collect anything?
Dust bunnies!

What makes you follow a blog?
Gotta be amusing and enjoyable to read.

What was the most enjoyable thing you did today?
I can't say. But I WILL say it happened about 6am...

Ann's Question:What makes you comment on a blog?
Who is this Ann person?

Amy's Question:What is your favorite thing to do when you have some free time?
Who is this Amy person? And what is free time?

Tonya's question:What is a talent you wished you had?
I don't know Tonya, but the answer to that question is dirty as well.

Gena's question:As you may know, I am all about "Serene Moments", so what is your "Serene Moment"?
Gena is scaring me. Serene moments are when I'm with my massage therapist. Seriously, her name is Serene.

Noelle's question: If you could go to heaven who would you see, and why?
Doesn't Noelle know we're all going to go to heaven?

Vickie's question: Who is your favorite actor?
Mmmmm.... There's a whole lisit of my favorite hottie actors that I don't want to be ousting and entering them here.

Kelly's question: What was your favorite subject in school?
Definitely not PE. And is this elementary school? High school? College? My guess is the answer revolves around computers

Mommy Nintendo's: What do you want to be when you grow up? Or if you've already achieved that goal, what was it?
I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R Us Kid.... But if I DID have to grow up, I'd like to work for a network that makes cartoons. I'm told I do an AWESOME Scooby Laugh!.

My Question: Who is your hero?
Didn't Bette Midler, Enrique Iglasias, and some other chick do songs about Heros? Oh, and let's not forget the TV show.

Okay, I am tagging: Fran and Salon Chick

Happy Birthday, Mother!

So, I've gotten some STRANGE stuff from Mother for various occasions. The most memorable being when she decided to give me a phallicized Cheet-Oh or the time she sent me a pre-scratched losing scratch ticket. Oh yeah, and once she sent me a few expired condoms.

I know she was probably meaning well in her insane little world, but they made absolutely no sense.

So I decided to get her back this time.

It's her birthday, and I went and had a little fun. So much fun that I made Sis record Mother opening her package just so I could see the reaction. Needless to say, I almost wet myself from laughter!

Needless to say, do NOT watch the video below if you are faint of heart, under the age of 18, or if anyone under the age of 18 is in the room with you. Also, there's some swearing because that's what Mother does, so if that offends you also, please do not press play.

I find it most funny that she doesn't quite know what lube is....

'Tis the holi-daze season!

So, it's been a few days since my last posting. Sue me. I've been busy.

First, I need to announce that (thanks to me not opening all my mail) Sis and I tied for X-mas. Maybe next year I'll keep a closer tab for everyone. For those of you who are scratching your heads, it goes back to a Futurama Christmas (X-mas) episode. Hermes is delivering mail and Bender gets the most so he wins. My sister and I have a contest every year to see who gets the most cards. This year and last we both tied. (And for those of you reading this who DIDN'T send a card back, I know who you are......)

Christmas morning, Sis (and her family) and I opened gifts over the phone. See, I refuse to go up north when there's white stuff on the ground. Sis's husband won't fly and a 17 hour trip is too long when she has no vacation time (we'll ignore her getting laid off, but still). I think she, her hubby, and her children liked everything I sent her. From the adult incontinence product so she can Black Friday shop without fear to the gizmo thinggie that she can hook her video camera up to her computer and start making DVDs of her kids being really awesome in school plays and the like. (Psst.. someone tell her she can hook her VCR up to it too and record anything she's already done off).

Her kids were so cool. They each got a DS from Santa. What did they get from their awesome uncle? A game for their DS. Of course, they ask me how I knew they were getting a DS. I told them the truth: I talk with Santa all the time and Santa told me what they were getting.

Her hubby was given a PS3. He thought it was wicked awesome. Of course, she then had to go return the Mamma Mia DVD to buy the BluRay version since it's SO much clearer!

I haven't talked to my grandmother since Christmas, but I have talked to Mother. She's all ecstatic about her 8x10 photo of me, her grandson, and a drag-king Santa.

What did I get, you ask? From my grandmother, I got a JC Penny gift card. Maybe I can buy some of these awesome fashion products! Of course, I'm not a big JC Penny fan, so I'll try to find something. From Sis and her family I got some of my old stuff I had when growing up. And she bought me two really awesome RENT books and a RENT poster. Now, we won't discuss how she hates me because I already have the RENT books and I went and bought the poster while I was up visiting her. But I really liked 'em! She's so thoughtful!

That afternoon, I spent it with a former coworker of mine and his wife (and a bunch of straight people). It was.... weird. I never realized how strange straight people are until you see them congregated like that. I wore my festive Santa hat and had a good time. Until he brought out the Star Wars Holiday Special. I'm trying to figure out which movie was more painful -- that or Freddy Got Fingered.

Of course, Boxing Day and the day after were an adventure. I spent $1000 between those two days. I bought a sewing machine 'cuz I want to learn to quilt with Princess Sparklepants. I need a name for said sewing machine. My home computers are named after rodents. My plant is a RENT character. I need an awesome name for my sewing machine. I also bought a Home Theater Receiver (which BrandsmartUSA refunded the difference between their price with tax and amazon.com's price... I *HEART* them) and a desk for my new sewing machine, and some sewing materials. And a blender / food processor combination that was incredibly cheap. I can't remember what else I bought off the top of my head though.

Sunday was the best, though. I got to see my sweetie again (traditionally called "date boy" on Twitter -- I'm working on a totally appropriate nickname for him... give it time..). I gave him two Russ bears 'cuz I wanted to make someone happy. I also gave him a key to the house so he can come visit me anytime. He gave me a Sirius-XM Satellite radio and mentioned something about reaching under my dashboard.

I'd say in all it's been a great holi-daze season. I think my sweetie is the best present I got (sorry Sis).

Heart Attacks Times Three!

I know I've been bad and haven't posted in a while. But I have a valid reason! I didn't want to accidentally give a huge clue out on the ginormous surprise I started planning the middle of last week.

Anywho, the surprise was I decided to go up north and visit my family... and NOT tell them I'm coming! But, I dropped subtle hints now and then.

I flew in Thursday. After spending the evening in NH with a friend of mine, I took the drive to Western Mass. When I arrived, I txt'd sis saying, "May I call on you? And, if so, is boss person there?" -- she responded "Sure, but lady boss is here."

Then I opened the door, and she said she thought "Oh crap, man boss is here" -- except the door didn't slam, so she thought it was a customer and thought I would be phoning her any second now.

I get to the top of the stairs and say "My name is Herbie...." -- she's staring in disbelief and somehow manages to jump through her desk, while screaming "oh my god!" the entire time and gives me a huge hug. Then she informs me she was having a bit of a heart attack.

After she started calming down, I decided to go visit Nan. At 84 years old, I knew I had to be a little careful on how I approached that one. I tried calling her to kinda hint I was on my way, but she was on the phone with my uncle and no call waiting. So I walked upstairs and knocked on her door. She stared at me and blinked a few times and I had to nod my head to let her know it really was me. I totally made her day.

Then we hunted down where Mother was (local bar rom). Nan made some pretense as to why she was calling, and after she got off the phone, I drove up to the local bar room and when I walked in the door, Mother looked right at me and continued what she was doing. I stood next to her and put my arm on her shoulder. She looks at me again and goes into total shock. She couldn't say anything for like a minute. She had a mini heart attack and we almost had to call the ambulance on her. It was great!

Sis decided she didn't want to stay 'til 2:30, so we went out to lunch and went grocery shopping for Nan. I bought Nan's groceries for her. We then went to pick up her kids. The little one stared at me and really didn't recognize me. The bigger one came out of the back room and stopped in her tracks and looked at me and was like "Uncle Simply?" -- I nodded. It was cute and funny at the same time.

Went to dinner at "The Forbidden Place" because we don't have them in Georgia. It was as good as I remember. I want to go back again.

Not sure what I'm doing the next few days. Friends want to hang out. Nan wants to monopolize my time. So, I'm going to end up pissing someone off. Oh well. I've seen Nan in the past 4 years a number of times. Haven't seen a few of these other friends. I think they may get priority.

I'll keep y'all posted.

Push! Push!

I have a new nephew! His name is Max. I think this was the easiest birthing my sister has ever done... Mainly because he's not the direct fruit of her loins. See, she adopted him. Her family felt like there was this empty void. Instead of trying to fill it with cookies and cakes, they adopted a healthy boy. Below is a picture of him.


In other news, I was starting to get ready for the Atlanta Humane Society's Pictures with Santa. I was extremely disheartened when I read in the AHS newsletter that this year they're taking a break from Pictures with Santa. Now I need to find another way to get our Christmas photos taken. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know!