365 Days

So, yesterday marked 365 days with The Company. I thought about saying "525,600 minutes," but that would have inferred I worked that many minutes, and we all know that could never happen!

In fact -- *does math* -- given the assumption I only work eight hour days, I've never lasted at a company for 525,600 minutes. The Suffix was close though. Especially with all those LONG nights I put in to make sure THOSE PEOPLE got their Forecast and Budget systems. But, I digress.

Yesterday was also my work from home day, so when I came into work today, I got the following card on my desk:
And, on the inside:
Yes, I blurred out my name, but left everyone else's in tact. It's just another way to keep y'all from knowing who I really am!

Yes, we all enjoy having to fill out Birthday and Anniversary cards for EVERYONE. There's times where we get like eight in a month, it seems (and for a team of like 20, it gets annoying).

And, yes, Bob did say "Happy birthday" -- he's one of those people who is crazy and jealous of my craziness. Kinda like Monk and Harold Krenshaw.

So, I made it to the 1-year point with The Company. I'm definitely hoping to make it a few more!

Freaky Voicemail Message

So, I recently added a Google Voice link to my blog over to the right. Oh, you didn't see it? Well, look over there *points -->*

Anyways, don't even think about trying to use it to prank call me in the middle of the night. Why? Because the widget is set to go straight to voicemail when someone attempts to call. Period. At any hour of the day. I'm not THAT crazy to let total strangers call me in the middle of the night! (Much less, if I get called in the middle of the day while I'm at work by one of my seven fans -- yes, that's right.. I apparently am up to seven readers now. One day I might get as many fans as ChickenPopPod. Pshyeah, right! I'm not cool enough.)

But, I guess someone tried to do it. At least, that's the best I can determine as there's no missed calls on my cell phone.

So, at 12:13am today, I got the voicemail I'm going to share with y'all below:



Yeah -- I think someone was trying to prank me and it didn't quite work. And seriously -- Laundry is who gets to pick up the phone at 12:13am?

So, while I have y'alls attention, I think you should send me a nice voicemail. And give me suggestions as to what my outgoing message for it should be. I wish I could upload an .mp3 file for the voicemail, but Google Voice doesn't allow that. Otherwise people might end up hearing the chorus from the best music video ever:



(Also, if you want a Google Voice account, you'll have to leave me a voicemail proclaiming why you think you should get invited -- along with your name and email address so I can send it off to anyone that gets deemed worthy. At this moment, I have one invite remaining until they replenish me.)

So. Do it now. Call me! And if your voicemail is cool enough, you might just hear it later in the blog!

Also, I ate out three females

So, I went out with a group of awesome friends last night for my birthday at the Hu Ke Lau. Big fun was had by all!

We got there and had some foodstuffs. Triple Lobstah, to be exact! Oohh, it was good. Except, out of the twelve lobstahs that came out on the table, I managed to somehow get three chicks.

They had good drinks also. Very good drinks!

After dinner, they brought out the awesome carrot cake Carla bought for my birthday (it's healthy 'cuz it has carrots in it!). Awesome happy birthday montage and everything. Needless to say it wasn't just my birthday, but it was great!

After cake, they asked for people to come up on stage to learn some traditional dance. Of course, I was invited up, and we were dancing while waiting for the lessons:



Shut up! I know I can't dance! (more about that in a minute)

Anyway, we're introduced to the "Fruit Salad" dance. Here's a little preview of us learning:



That's where things take a twist. Apparently as we're "Fruit Salading", one of the hula dancers brings me back stage. I was hoping to come across the hot male dancer, but, alas no. I was placed into costume and informed she and I were going to go out and perform some special dance.

While all that happened, my sistah apparently got to learn another fruit salad:



Then it happened -- I was told we're going to go out on stage and perform the special dance.

"Are you ready?"

"Uh..."

And I'm thrown out in the middle of the stage like some bad sitcom. Spotlight on me. I have no idea what's going on. So, I start dancing (again, shut up!)



Oh yeah, I was bad!

Finally, chickie showed up and we did our thing. It was pretty fun:



At the end, there was a huge bump with me in the middle. Carla informs me some guy just gawked insanely and she had to holler "BUT HE'S GAY!"

In all, I've decided I have awesome friends up here that I totally miss while I'm in Hotlanta. Maybe I can convince some of them to come down for a visit! :)

My own mother didn't recognize me!

So, I did it again. I showed up unannounced.

I flew into Boston Logan International Airport yesterday afternoon. I stayed with a pair of awesome friends of mine in Portsmouth, NH for the night. We went out for twin lobstah to celebrate my birthday. It was GOOOOD!

Then I got up this morning (which coincidentally is my birthday) and saw a tweet from my sistah saying it's snowing. I laugh at her and log into my AIM account and head towards Western Massachusetts.

During the drive, she and I have a bit of conversation (heaven bless technology allowing me to AIM from my phone to eliminate any potential suspicion). When I arrive in town, I show up at her place d'emploi and get to the top of the stairs and proclaim, "You know why it's snowing, right?"

I could tell she was about to say "No, why?" -- but she pauses and stares for a moment and goes "YOU JERK! You need to quit showing up unannounced!"

I told her we needed to come up with some way to surprise Mother. I told her to make some excuse to go to WalMart or something.

Then, I decided it was Nan's turn. I thought about calling her, but decided I'd knock. I'd be good.

When I got there, my cousin and his son had just arrived and she was closing the door. I said "Heylo!"

Nan (in her 85 years on this earth) was a little startled as she turned around to see what was going on. She got all excited and I gave her a hug and was like "Don't collapse on me! Don't collapse on me! Don't collapse on me!"

I sit and talk to her for a bit and she said she had to go get a nerve pill thanks to me. I know, I'm a bad grandson.

My sister got home and said she told Mother that she wanted to go to WalMart after her husband got home. I told her that was too late. But! My sister knew which bar Mother was in, so we decided to just go there and show up.

I would TOTALLY have video this time, but my camera's battery was dead (some idiot didn't check to make sure the camera was in the "off" position when arriving in NH).

Since we all know all about my mother, I'm not even going to go into the details back story.

We walk into the bar and Mother's back is turned. Sistah is motioning the "shh" symbol telling everyone to be quiet. I put my arm around Mother and say "Well hello!" and give her a kiss.

Sis comes right behind and we're having a jolly old time talking. I make comments about "No heart attacks this time?" and talk about various things from the last visit and she's clueless. After about two minutes I say, "What? No happy birthday?"

She rebutes with "It's your birthday too.... You f**ker! What are you doing here?"

I start laughing and go "What, you didn't recognize me?"

"Nope! I was gonna call <sister's> later and ask who came here with her and gave me a hug and kiss."

HOW EMBARASSING! Not even recognizing you!

It was a sad sad day

One year ago today was very tragic in my life. We still haven't come up with a name for it because nothing goes well with "Thursday" to acknowledge how horrible it really was.

You see, one year ago today, I went to work at The Suffix in a very unsuspecting manner. I was happy-go-lucky trying to get systems to be all happy and cooperative and stuff like that. It was great.

Then 2:00 came and everything changed.

On my calendar was a 1-on-1 meeting with my manager. It was initially scheduled for Tuesday, but got shifted to Thursday. Not usually a big deal. The meeting was also changed from a conference room on our floor to a conference room in the basement. That was weird, but I figured nothing was available upstairs.

At 2:30, I headed downstairs and entered the Red Oak Conference Room and saw two people -- my manager, and our HR representative. "This can NOT be good, I thought."

I was informed that due to the current economic crisis, my position was being eliminated. My manager left the room and I was sitting with HR.

She explained what was going to go on. As of Halloween, I would be severed. They asked if I'd continue to work until the end of the month, but work more on focusing to find a new position. Anything I had to do for this came first, and The Suffix work came second. We went through the standard paperwork and the first thing I noticed was my age on one of the forms would be wrong as of the layoff date. She inquired and I said "Next week's my birthday. Happy birthday, I'm getting laid off!"

I kept as much composure as I could and went back upstairs. I happened across Princess Sparklepants and she was like "Do you need to go for a walk?" I responded "YES!"

We went outside for a few minutes and she was apologizing left and right. She said she knew and it was killing her that she couldn't tell me. I told her I was glad she didn't because I didn't want her to risk her job. And, to this day, I think she's awesome in the fact she didn't let anything on. I know much it hurt her to be on the inside with bad news about the people she cares about.

I went back upstairs and packed up for the day. I walked outside and called my chiropractor and asked if I could see her early. She asked if everything was ok, and I said no. She asked what was wrong and I said I couldn't say at the moment. Of course, her next response was "I'll be at the office in ten minutes." (I love her for that!)

I met her at her office and she asked what was wrong. I let out the water works and started bawling on her shoulder (which isn't difficult when I'm 6'1" and she's 5'3 3/4"). She keeps trying to figure out what's going on and I finally muster out "I'm being laid off."

We talk for a bit and she kinda cheers me up, but not really. I went home called a few people to give them the bad news, went to my favoritest chinese restaurant with a friend, posted this, then went to bed all depressed.

I mean, what was going to happen to me? To Bradley? To my house? I was beyond lost.

Friday, I got up and moped around. I started working on my resume (too bad I didn't think of a video resume....), and was getting more and more depressed. Then, out of the blue, I had a great idea! I was going to throw a party to celebrate the fact I was getting laid off! Thus birthed the "I'm over it" phase of it all.

I started basic planning of that, and tried to see what else I could do.

The following Monday, I showed up at work (mainly to provide the face time -- not really wanting to focus on The Suffix work), and played around with my resume. I stopped by friends desks and informed them of the news if they hadn't heard yet. The composure came and went, but nothing came bigger than eyes swelling up with tears.

That Wednesday was the 15th, and my standard work from home day. So, I got all settled in and was playing with my resume.

About 12:45, I logged onto computerjobs.com and searched for my specialty. The first posting I saw I was like "I can do this!" and sent in my incomplete resume. I've sent in thousands of resumes in the past to these recruiters only to have them ignored, so what's one more incomplete resume?

At 1:00, I had to hop on a conference call (That I didn't want to be on), and call waiting kicked in. I answered it and it was the recruiter. He asked if I had time to talk and I told him I was on a conference call, but can hang up with them to talk. We had a conversation about how much he liked my skills and wanted to present my resume to the client. I said "Ok" and he informed me the client was The Company.

I was like "you're kidding, right?"

"No -- why?"

"I've wanted to work for The Company for YEARS! In fact, I've joked with The Suffix that the only way I'd willingly leave them was for The Company!"

He said he'd give me a call back and work on when I can interview.

Hope began to spark. I told a few people I had an interview coming up.

The following Monday I had the interview. And I thought it went BAD. HORRIBLY! So wrong that I didn't even call the recruiter back after it. Tuesday, the recruiter calls me and asks how it went. I informed him "Horrible -- worst interview of my life."

The next words out of his mouth were quite odd to hear: "Weird. They said they like you and want you to come back for another interview."

"Dude, this is no time to play with my emotions."

"No, seriously. They like you."

I'm flabberghasted, and get a second interview set up for the following Monday. This time, it was a lunch interview (Gee... not only is there pressure to be personable, but I have to EAT in a monkey suit as well?).

The following Monday I had said interview, and we went out to lunch and the theme was Italian. "Great... I'm going to be in the monkey suit AND have to deal with Italian food? PLEASE DON'T LET ME DROP FOOD.. PLEASE DON'T LET ME DROP FOOD!"

The lunch interview went great. So great that I forgot I was wearing the monkey suit. After lunch, we headed over to HR with that portion of the interview. Hiring manager said there was a second contendor for the position and her second interview was the next day and Wednesday or Thursday I should hear. Of course, mentally I'm like "Are they going to hire the homosexual or the female?"

The logistics are talked out with HR, and I head home and get out of the monkey suit. I talk with recruiter dude and he heard good things, so it's the waiting game.

Wednesday came and went.
Thursday came and before it went, I emailed the recruiter asking if he heard anything. Bad news -- there was some sudden budget deadline that appeared and they wouldn't make a decision 'til Friday or Monday.

I think to myself, "How hard is it to say 'Hire Smply'?"

I'm talking with a coworker at The Suffix and he tells me my name's being said a lot in HR. I try to figure out how he knows that until I realize his wife works for HR in The Company. He didn't know much but my name being said, so I thought that was positive thoughts (or he was just lying to me to keep me in a positive mood).

Friday was not only Halloween, but my last day at The Suffix. I wrote my tearful goodbye email and had my exit interview (that ran long), and left. I got home and had absolutely nothing to do. Until I was invited out Trick or Treating by Beanie.

Somehow during Trick or Treating, I managed to collect a bag and actually start getting candy (which wasn't really impressive 'cuz it was stuff I wouldn't eat -- so much for collecting food for unemployment).

Saturday was the "Smply got laid.....off!" party. As my Furby would call it, "Big fun!" I even got a "RIP" tombstone from Party City and put The Suffix's logo under it. It was great!

Sunday I went to take down the black balloons from my mailbox and the dog groomer was at gaybor's house and said "Someone had a big birthday..." -- I replied "nope, I had a 'I got laid off' party" -- her look was priceless!

Monday, I woke up and went downstairs and started working on my resume. Bradley was very confused as to why I wasn't at work. About noon, I finally decided to hop in the shower. When I got out, I emailed the recruiter asking if he had heard anything. Fifteen minutes later, my phone rang and it was him.

He started all the smalltalk that I HATE! Asking how my weekend was and all that jazz. "GET TO THE POINT!" I wanted to demand, but I was being nice.

He finally got around to the meat of the conversation: "So, do you still want to work for The Company?"

"Um, yes!"

"Well, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is they really like you and would like to extend you an offer."

"Ok....?"

"And the bad news is they don't want to pay you what you asked. They want to pay you more."

Of course, it wasn't extensively more, but I was happy with the number they came up with (Heck, I was happy with the number I came up with). We talked through logistics and I told him I would prefer to take two weeks off before so I could scare my fambly.

In any event, it was a sad sad day a year ago today. But everything turned out for the better. It's great to have friends and fambly (and friends who are basically fambly) out there to reach out for support!

I'm a Star!!

Or at least that's what I'm now told. We know I don't like to toot my own horn, but this was just overly exciting.

I came into work this morning with the following email in my inbox (Ok, names have been changed to protect identities):

From: FAStars
To: SmplyUnprdctble
CC: Boss, Boss's Boss
Subject: You've been recognized!

Congratulations, you have been recognized for your Above and Beyond achievements. Your efforts will also be considered for a Gold STAR award as a part of the Finance and Accounting STARS recognition program:

----------------------------------------------------------------

Recognized By: Boss's Boss

Headline: Schedule Design Innovator

Comments: The Schedules Database Project consisted of creating an Essbase cube, Oracle database, and web user interface designed to automate the schedule consolidation and reporting process. This project currently encompasses over 25 CP&R and Tax schedules, including variance reports and censuses. The new database is expected to save CP&R, Tax, and segment consolidation groups countless hours of consolidation time in critical close periods as well as enhance schedule accuracy, security and review controls. Smply has made various outstanding contributions to this project such as: learning new software not currently employed in the company; modifying and creating new schedules for the software; ensuring that peers were trained on issue resolution and new processes; making creative and innovative solutions to handle schedule workflow issues and long running schedules for international users; extending the software capabilities by designing new ways to save, print, and debug issues. He has even been able to create new processes for solutions that the outside consultant from the software company could not provide. Smply was able to create a proof of concept solution for one of our issues within 24 hours while the outside consultant quoted a work effort of 2-3 months. Smply has made quiet but far-reaching contributions to this project that will be felt by everyone that uses the schedules database. He has been instrumental in making the CP&R Schedules Project a success. Great Job!!

----------------------------------------------------------------

If you are selected as a Gold Star winner you will be notified by your manager after quarter end.

Thank you for your contribution and for helping us set the standard for our 21st Century Finance Organization.

I was like "OMG! I'm excited!" Then I saw this email from the Director of the department:

From: SuperBigBoss
To: SmplyUnprdctble
CC: Boss, Boss's Boss
Subject: FW:

Smply:

I AGREE COMPLETELY!!! Thanks for the outstanding work on this project. You’ve provided creative solutions to our challenges, and have been a key to the success of this project from the beginning. Great job!

Dudes! I'm running around on cloud 9! The only thing that could make this any better is....

Yes, I know I'm evil!

So, we all know I have this odd way of being crazy.

Along with this idea that I have interesting conversations.

Or leave people speachless.

And have really weird conversations like this and this.

Today, I was in Scumberland Mall. As I was leaving, I was ambushed by some girl at the Dead Sea Spa Kiosk. Obviously trying to make a sale.

She forced some of their salt scrub product in my hand and had me rub and exfoliate with it. She does her talking and I explain I don't like the oily feeling it leaves (I really don't. It's disgusting).

Then she starts to go on about how bad my manicure is.

I then have to inform her that the Korean ladies have been known to fight over who gets to do my nails because I have such soft and lovely hands.

Let's not forget she's keeps telling me that their product would end up causing all the girls to be after me. I giggled.

In order to get away from her, I decided I would inform her that I would be back for the holi-daze to buy something for my sister. THEN the pitch comes in. Normally the manicure product would sell for $59.99, but today only, she could sell it to me for $49.99. And today only, it would be BOGO, so I could get one for my mother!

That's when I decided to have at it.

I started tearing up. As the tears welled up, I told the girl that I my mother was no longer alive. I went on saying we were out at a great lobster restaurant and the lobster she picked broke out of it's claw bands and attacked her jugular, leaving the entire restaurant in a bloody mess. That, combined with dad's unfortunate incident with a cow, has caused me to have difficulty going to almost any restaurant without choking up.

The look on her face was priceless.

Of course, the story I told her isn't true. But it allowed me to get away from her and have a little fun at the same time!