My dentist appointment

Quick back story.

As y'all know, I went and had Invisalign done. As part of the treatment, they had to put "buttons" on my teeths. After my treatment, my hot lesbian dentist scraped most of the buttons off, but every now and then I would find a spot that wasn't completely removed. Now begins our story.

I went to my hot lesbian dentist's office yesterday. AWESOME redesign she did! I mean, BEAUTIFUL! I was all confused when I stepped in.

My hygienist takes me into the back and I show her where there was a missed portion that needed to be scraped off. She spends a minute to do the scraping and I do the fingernail test and it's all smooth (in retrospect, I now miss it, but I digress).

She stepped away for a minute to grab something and came back.

She started my cleaning in the back of my mouth. She finished with the first tooth (Tooth #2) and started on the next one and she asks, "What was that stuff I just scraped off your tooth?"

I looked at her mildly confused and said "lunch?"

She starts laughing and telling me I'm crazy. I'm still mildly confused and she said "When I first started... On your front tooth!"

I busted out laughing hysterically.

Goes to show how awesome our English language is!

But, the rest of the cleaning and checkup went awesome. And my hot lesbian dentist came in and we talked and I said "I helped pay for this with my Extreme Makeover Dental Edition. Can I have that area over there dedicated to me? :)" (yes, I said ":)")

Have I mentioned lately how much I love my dentist?

Blue Balls

So, a few weeks ago, I found this really awesome sounding recipe for blue balls.

I convinced my friend Mikers to make it for his Labor Day cookout thing he was doing. It took a bit of convincing, but he did it.

I had fun discussing the whole ordeal.

Ranging from "Mikers is offering me a taste of his blue balls" to "I just left Mikers place with blue balls" to discussing the "after-effect" of the blue balls, including pictures (which I will refrain from this blog for now).

I'm sure y'all want to know what these blue balls look like.

Today, I brought the leftovers to work. And I got to go around the office asking if people "want some blue balls". It was quite exciting (and I figured as long as I had them in hand, it was not an HR violation).

Everyone thinks the side effect is a blue tongue.... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Class Reunion

Warning: This post is going to break a lot of rules of my blog. Names will NOT be changed (although mine will not be mentioned at all, and comments mentioning my name past the first letter will not be approved). Even though names will not be changed, last names will not be provided. In the event a last name is referenced, it will be just the first letter. This post will also go a little more in depth into me than normal. If you're afraid, feel free to discontinue reading this post. Finally, there will be language that is not appropriate for minors. But, minors will be the ones being quoted during these words. I will not censor myself for this event. This story brings back some rough memories, but I am not bitter about any of it. If there are any details missing, please leave a comment with anything you recall. I don't hold any grudges (kids will be kids), and bringing up some of that has actually been creating a healing process over it.
Now, onto the story.

I grew up in a very country part of SC. And by country, we grew up across the street from cows. And not the people you see at WalMart wearing moo-moos! It was a quiet little neighborhood. And a few people in the area that were either my age or my sister's age.

I started Manchester Elementary School at Kindergarten. I was growing up with my classmates in a "normal" environment (well, as "normal" as a small town school could be where the 2000 Census had the median income at $19,583).

In fourth grade, something catastrophic happened. What exactly was the event(s), I could not tell you. If you went to school with me and happen to know, PLEASE remind me. But, for some reason, my classmates decided to start calling me "faggot". All of a sudden, I was the classmate with cooties. At times, it ended up being a bit of a game where if I ended up touching someone, they caught the cooties. But, it was worse than standard schoolyard playing. In today's standards, it'd be considered downright harassment / bullying. But, I grew up in simpler times where people weren't sue-happy.

As the school years went on, I was practically ousted away from any potential friendships I really had in school. I went on to being extremely introverted, quiet, and practically a loner. Hell, I might have actually been labeled as "depressed" at the time based on some of the behaviors I exerted, looking back.

Also, I was "the smart kid". I grasped onto concepts and ran with them. There was a while when I was the first one who raised their hand when a teacher asked for an answer to a question. I was proud of my smarts, but I guess it made some of my other classmates jealous.

It was also somewhere around the fourth or fifth grade that I quit doing homework. Whether that was a subconscious cry for help, depression showing it's ugly face, or my ADHD starting to show it's ugly head, I don't know. Sure, I got in trouble a bit in class being made to stand on the blacktop at recess, but that was about as fun as going out into the school yard and not getting to play with my other classmates. But, my grades didn't really fall for lack of homework.

So, this began my story as being a "quiet skinny nerd" in school.

As the years went on, the "cooties" went away, but "faggot" never did. This is where I have my struggle in the "nature vs nurture" concept of my sexuality. Yes, I'm gay. Now I have no reason to hide it, but growing up in "country, SC" when gays were all over the news and stuff being represented in a hugely negative fashion and being the evil people spreading AIDS, I wanted nothing to do with it.

About freshman year of high school, I began to realize my sexical fantasies were more towards guys than gals. I appreciated beauty and all that, but never was attracted to any of my female classmates. There was one football player though -- he was a junior, I think -- I thought he was the hottest thing since the sun! But, I was too fearful to show it, thinking I was an abomination because it obviously wasn't socially acceptable to be gay.

The summer between sophomore and junior years of HS, my sister and I were moved up to western Mass. It seemed a HUGE burden had been left behind as I left the "bad memories" of Manchester & Furman behind. I figured a new start. But, it seemed my lack of social skills came to bite me in the butt entering my new high school. Plus, I was a "smart kid" being one of two in the entire school who was a year ahead in English. Most of my classes were with seniors, so they were more interested in getting out out of school than making a new friend. Then my "real" senior year (or as I call it, my "second senior year"), I decided to be lazy and half my classes wound up being with freshmen, who wanted nothing to do with a senior. *shrug*, I had become accustomed to being a loner.

Anyways, that whole story is leading up to this: My 15-year high school reunion.

Reunions are generally meant for the graduating class. 97% of the time, these are the people you grew up with throughout your years of school. There's the occasional person who moves in or out, but it's fairly static. Since I spent eleven years with these people, there had to be some sort of connection. It kinda clicked back in October when I was in Boston and got to have lunch with Meka and we pseudo-reminisced over growing up. There was a lot of "What happened to Smply?" at the beginning of junior year. People thought I may have moved to Sumter High or something, but it was all rumors (as if nobody knew Dad worked at the Exxon in Wesmark Plaza). But, after seeing Meka and doing a lot of reminiscing and remembering the good things that happened, I was excited to know a 15-year reunion was coming up and I wanted to go.

When I got word on things, I replied with a resounding "YES!"

Then after I paid my reunion fee and time got closer, a lot of the above memories started coming back and I wanted to do "Oh yeah? Look at how well the faggot turned out!". Then, I remembered lunch with Meka and realized that's not the way to go and I should go there just to have fun. Which is what I did.

When I walked in the door and saw Angie, Tonya, and Clarice, a lot of memories started coming back. Angie and Tonya were really happy to see me, and they talked about how they were all wondering what happened to me. I later found out Clarice couldn't remember me past 3rd grade for some reason. I almost blame the fourth grade incident. Names were coming out and I was remembering things.

There was a reminiscing time for the reunion, and people were remembering specific events that happened (like someone being thrown in a construction pit, or seniors taking someone and throwing them in the dumpster, senior trip memories, and things like that). A lot of the events happened junior and senior years, so I had no idea things they were talking about, but they would recall something from the younger days and I'd be like "OMG, I remember that."

Some things were coming back, but nothing enough that I wanted to go up there and say them. Probably because I was terrified something in me would want to say "And I remember all y'all calling me a faggot" because that kept popping in my head.

At the end (before the horrible dancing), a photographer was at the banquet hall to get a class photo (as if everyone was there). We did an everybody picture, then a just the girls pic, then a just the guys pic. There were six guys and apparently we weren't close enough together. Someone made that comment and I came back with "But, some of us have cooties!" -- Angie quirked back immediately with "Not anymore, Smply!"

That was HUGELY healing for me. Two little words made me feel all warm inside. They made the five hour trip seem completely worth it. I wanted to go up to her and thank her for those words, but I probably would have wound up crying like a baby. (Little secret: Tears are trying to come out of my eyes with me typing this). But, it was WAY AWESOME! Thanks, Angie, for making my day! :) (Not to say the rest of y'all didn't, but that just hit way deep inside).

After I departed, I started recalling some of the events I remember from school. It was a bit late to go grab the mic and say them. They're also more of little events, but I figured I'd share:

• I remember in English class (just before lunch), Dee was getting hungry. All of a sudden she comes out with "I'm hungry, roll over!"
• I remember Miss G being a little weird (She was my homeroom teacher). She would be looking in one direction and pointing another and people had no idea which of the two she was intending to answer a question.
• I remember Miss G talking about the giant oak (or maple?) tree that was in front of Manchester. She had all kinds of pictures of it. Then Hurricane Hugo struck and knocked it down. She was sad she didn't have a full picture of it.
• Still with homeroom, there was one girl who shot a tampon out across the room. Needless to say, Miss G wasn't thrilled.
  
• I remember Clara going off on Miss G and making her quit (early retire?). Then we had some substitute for the rest of the year who liked to drink the Listerine. We insisted she was drunk all the time.
• I remember Holly's dad was a firefighter.
• I remember there was one class the teacher wanted to show a movie. But, the only format she could find the movie on was Betamax. And I think it was Bessie who had the player she brought in.
• I remember one bus driver, Jay -- he was... flaming. Everyone called him "Gay Jay". And he and Bubba would get into cat fights. One day he dropped Bubba off at his stop and made some sort of comment as Bubba departed. Jay quickly closed the doors and SPED off down the dirt road (that was full of potholes). Those in the back of the bus had fun (and/or whiplash) at the end of that trip.
• I remember being in Mr. R's geometry class and Chris was all mad 'cuz the biology teacher Mr. O said he had diarrhea of the mouth.
• I remember underclassmen with a 95 or higher pre-final didn't have to take a final. At the end of Mr. R's geometry class, Angie was pissed off that I had a 95.1 average and she had a 94.9. Her rebuttal was "But, he never did his homework!" (That makes me wonder how little homework counted in school)
• I remember in gym class we had a 1:1 basketball tournament. I had no skillz, but I was paired against Greg. I came close to beating him, and he admitted it. I didn't care, I got to sit on the sidelines the rest of the tournament.
• I remember Mr. T's 8th grade history class he used to stand there and eat peanuts all the time.
• I remember Mr. G's 7th grade history class, he used to tell us how more advanced the north was with their education systems. I was in a bit of awe until I actually moved up there and my 11th grade history class had the EXACT SAME books as Mr. T's history class in 8th grade. And we watched the exact same movies and everything.
• I remember Dee (I think it was Dee?) throwing To Kill A Mockingbird across Ms H's classroom when she read the jury verdict.
• I remember getting stuck with a female frog in biology and digging all the eggs out the day my lab partner just "happened" to be out.
• I remember being jealous of my classmates who brought in Kool-Aid (the pre-sugared kind) in a baggie and would eat it via wet fingers similar to Lik-M-Aid.
• I remember the fourth grade play -- the story was something involving aliens who only spoke in a monotone voice. I got to play the goofy kid and my favorite line I said was "And I thought it was... INDIGESTION!"
• I remember everyone LOVING pizza day! And when we got to Furman and had a choice between regular lunch and the other stuff, most people preferred the other side because it usually had pizza. (And, let me tell you, I swear there was something in that pizza that made everyone love it).
• I remember at lunch one time I was drinking my chocolate milk and someone said or did something funny, and milk came out my nose. Someone complained to the teacher and I got in trouble because they said I did it on purpose.
• I remember someone was helping Mr. G fill out the damaged textbook forms and for some reason it was decided my textbook had a $5 damage fine with it. They circled "her" in the section saying "Your child has damaged his/her textbook..." and my mother went OFF on him!
• I remember we all picked on Susie H -- she was an awesome teacher albeit short. We loved her as much as we joked on her!
• I remember playing Musical Chairs (or Musical Hula Hoops, or Musical something) in Ms S's gym class growing up. And the ONLY song I can remember from that is Solid as a Rock.
• I remember the school was getting way overcrowded, so the solution was portables. And by the time we got to 7th/8th grade, the only time we went inside the building was for lunch.
• I remember everyone being jealous when Pocalla was being built because we got out of Manchester just as Pocalla opened, so never got to reap the rewards. I guess this is similar to the way the class of 95ers kinda felt because Lakewood and Crestwood opened right after that.
• I remember USC vs Clemson Days at school where we were encouraged to show our team pride. And it was like a WAR!
• I remember one of our football players got Athlete of the Week on WLTX Channel 19 (I think). The whole school was abuzz.
• I remember Tonya had huge difficulties saying "Bernoulli" in Mr. R's earth science class.
• I remember Dee complaining about another school's wooden floors 'cuz "the ball bounces funny" off of it. (And, let me tell you, it does compared to the gym floors we grew up with).
  

I look back and realize there was a lot about school I didn't like, but there was a lot of positive memories as well. Even with the negative, I do miss those days (although, I kinda wish some of that never happened). And, I hafta say, there really was no class like FHS Class of '95!

So, one of my "problem customers" calls today at 10:10am.

I answer "Good afternoon"
It's Good morning.
For you...
*I receive a text message and my phone makes a noise*
You're playing Mario, aren't you and just got a mushroom?
No, I am NOT playing Mario.
Well, I just heard the sound when you get a mushroom.
Oh, so now you're saying I'm on drugs eating mushrooms?
No, I'm just saying it's the sound when Mario gets the mushroom.
You DO realize it's the same sound as when he gets the flower, right?
So, you can now throw fireballs?
Oh, now you're calling me FLAMING?
No.. No.. Ok, this conversation is over.

I love putting coworkers in uncomfortable positions by slightly twisting what they say! :)

Top vs. Bottom

So, one of the heterosexical IT guys and I were going back and forth discussing a strange problem we're having with one of the systems. Then, this email chain occurs:

Me:

It's not consistent.

If the one-liner is up top, it usually saves. If it's more to the bottom, it won't.

Him:

It is all I can do to refrain from commenting on top vs bottom.

But I would have thought both worked equally well for you.

;)

Not that I want to know.

;)

Me:

Ok, I almost just fell out of my seat laughing.

And I'm not going to let you know.

At least he was able to tell... unlike someone else...

I was on the radio!

All I can say is WOW!


Yes, that's Dallas, Tug, and I in the Kicks studio! They were awesome to meet and interact with. And I had an AWESOME time seeing how things work!

Here's what I can tell you:

• Dallas is AWESOME, and by AWESOME, I mean I thought she was cool from what I've heard her on the radio -- But, she's BEYOND cool.. BEYOND great... and cute to boot!
  
• Tug looks SKINNY from what his pictures on the website show. So, I guess healthé trim works! (although I don't know for certain what he looked like). And also cute to boot (He's probably blushing now if he reads this)
• Producer Matt is one of those odd characters and we all got to yell at him for doing something we don't approve of (although if Caddy was there, I'm sure he wouldn't have objected)
• All the cool technology in the studio had me in awe. Not as much awe as one of the CNN tours I had (different technologies, but awesome)
  

A name is mentioned also! Whether or not it's my real name I'm not telling. 'Cuz we all know DJs on the radio always use a moniker on the radio. I doubt his mother really put Cadillac Jack the birth certificate. And Dallas has used other names pre-Kicks (See, I pay attention to what they say on the radio!). I'm guessing Tug-a-licious's mom didn't give him that name either.

The awesomeness? As I was departing, they said I should be a regular stand-in if someone is out. I TOTALLY would love to be able to do that! This is me crossing my fingers hoping I can do it again!

The mp3s below essentially starts at 6am! Already an hour into the Morning Show. I must apologize that the length is SO LONG, but I wanted to put it in as un-bastardized as possible. So, if you want to fast forward through commercials and music, here's where I am (when we cut to commercial or song, go ahead and forward to the next one) -- And, if you know of a way to either create a playlist or host a larger mp3 for free, please let me know!

6:12:45 -- I'm mentioned (before I get to the studios even -- in fact, I was in the shower)
6:53:40 -- I'm actually on the air for the first time!
6:57:30 -- First half of first story (Olive Garden)
7:06:55 -- Second half of the first story
7:12:55 -- Tease to future stories
7:21:30 -- Second story (Prostitute and his daddy) -- Sorry, I revealed a bit of information here.
7:28:25 -- Teaser about chihuahua story
7:36:30 -- Third story (Chihuahua)
7:43:15 -- Teaser to fourth story (Not in it, but great teaser)
7:52:10 -- Teaser in and talk about my sistah -- then lead into the fourth story (Naked man)
7:57:00 -- Second half of fourth story (OMG, I have NO WORDS!)



I also need to figure out how to cut out stuff in order to throw it on a CD for Nan and Mother.

BIG NEWS, EVERYBODY!

Sweet Molasses of Anassas, I've got some big news!

Initially, I was going to post on the craziness that happened this weekend. But, the most awesomest thing just happened.

I got a phone call.

I managed to beg and plead my way into being a guest judge on this Wednesday's edition of "Make Us Say WOW Wednesday" on my favoritest radio station in the whole wide world!

Yes, you heard me right!

I'm gonna be on the radio!

For about an hour! (ok, maybe a total of two minutes because there's all the songs they play, and then the people have to tell their stories... and I'll probably only get to say things like "WOW" or "Not a wow.. close, but not quite", but it will go across the hour timespan)

So, I'm demanding that all eight of my readers tell nineteen of their friends and help make EVERYONE in the world listen to me Wednesday morning!

The details I know is it happens Wednesday. Producer Matt asked me to be there for 6:45. And they finish up around 8-815 usually. And you can listen to the station live on their website.

Maybe if I'm lucky, they'll give me a copy of the show!

And, I have Cadillac Jack to thank for this -- You're awesome! Maybe I can stand in for Dallas or Tug when either of them go on vacation so I can finally meet ya!