Monday, December 28, 2009

I'm starting to understand Mother?

Happy Holi-daze season!

I just want to update my six readers with the banter from my holi-daze.

Christmas Eve, the gaybors invited me over for Christmas Eve dinner. It was pretty cool. I somehow ate too much, but not sure how as I barely ate anything. Dessert was AWESOME! They went to Swinging Richards afterwards, but I declined that offer.

Christmas Day, I spent with my friends Kurt and Heidi. I used to work with Kurt a few years back (he left The Suffix quite a bit before The Suffix decided to lay me off -- He's also a HUGE Star Wars geek). It was fun catching up with him, and Heidi made an AWESOME dinner and I made my pineapple bacon pound cake. It kinda fell apart a little, but it still tasted AWESOME!

There was one amusing anecdote from the evening. Straight married men are so funny when they get trained that everyone is apparently married. He kept asking me questions in plural ("Where do you two live?") and I kept responding in singular ("Well, *I* live over off of..."). He didn't quite get it.

On the first day of Kwanzaa, Eleven and her husband hosted a Kwanzaa party. It was awesomeness full of non-PC-ness. I mean, we had a catfish fry for it. We would have had watermelon also, but it's out of season. Also, there was a Caucasian Pachyderm Gift Exchange. I brought the same thing I brought to the office Caucasian Pachyderm Gift Exchange: A Flush Light. The funny thing is it was actually STOLEN during the gift exchange by someone when their turn came up. I was highly amazed at that. I first had a Wolf in Sheep's Clothing hat that apparently came from China. It was a wolf hat that had a sheep level that could be put up there. Or you could be a sheep in wolf's clothing :) It got stolen from me and I ended up getting beard trimmer in the end. Which I did post-trading to get some Glitter Star thinggie from Pier One.

After all this, though, the scariest thing happened. I began to understand Mother a little. See, she calls all her bar friends her brother or sister or mom or dad. It's quite disturbing. Anyways, after spending the holi-daze with my close friends, I realized they're like family. It (in a small way) left me into the idea that Mother views all her "bar family" as really close friends and that's why she calls them as family names. Of course, I don't quite go to the level of calling my awesome friends as "My Brother" or "My Sister", but they're like my little extended fambly here in Georgia (and in Louisiana 'cuz those fambly members decided to leave me, but I digress).

So, Merry Holi-daze to my local extended fambly! I love y'all!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Way too quiet!!

So, as the year winds down, fewer and fewer people are in the office.

Today, on our half of the floor we have four people here. FOUR! Two of us are the Systems Team, so that means there's two financial analysts here. And they're really not doing anything*. I'm the point person for support on the Schedules until the first of the year. There's been a couple little things going on, but nothing major. I'm ready to fall asleep.

I did show everyone this year's picture with Santa!

Awesome, eh? Yeah, I had to de-red-eye both of us, but still... not bad for one of those regular digital photos. I do miss the Atlanta Humane Society doing their Pictures with Santa event. Hopefully when we get out of this "Economic Recession" it will resume.

Anyways, it's been quiet, so that is all the update you'll get now.

*Note: I do not know if they're REALLY not doing anything. They could be working their little hineys off. But there doesn't seem to be much going on.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

'Tis the season to be jolly!

It's that time of year. And I just completed my Christmas Cards (did I miss someone? It's probably because I don't have your address and therefore YOUR fault! :)). At the end of the everything, I totaled it all up. In total, I spent about $100.42* in sending out cards. That includes everything from the sitting fee for pictures with Santa, the actual photos themselves, the cards, and the stamps (good GOLLY stamps... I remember when they were 23 cents!). Oh wait, there were some 8x10s in the photo prints fee, so it's probably closer to like $88.28*.

Anyway, I was talking with our Admin and she said $100 is way too excessive to do for Christmas.

But, if you break it down, I sent out 68 cards (which means I have 12 stamps left and can send 12 more out as I have about that many cards left also). So, 88/68 = $1.30 per person in cards.

It doesn't seem so ridiculous when you hear that number. Until you break out the percentages of what is what.

Stamp = 41%
Photo = 29%
Card = 30%

It's sad to think that the smallest item in the whole card ordeal costs the most!

Our Admin also insists that in future years electronic cards should be sent instead of traditional mailed cards. I have two problems with this:

1) My sister and I have a contest every year to see who gets the most cards mailed to them. Whoever gets the most wins Xmas!

B) There's something awesome about getting a physical card that you can display within your home.

Anyway, Happy Christmas to all y'all and if you don't think you're getting a card from me because I don't have your address, maybe you should use the Google Voice widget over there --> and leave me a voicemail with your address!

*And this does not include the awesomely printed label costs

Friday, December 4, 2009

I told you, I'm not on call anymore!

So, last night I'm sleeping. Having an awesome dream that may or may not have involved Jensen Ackles. And all of a sudden, I hear my phone go off.

Now, my phone hasn't gone off in the middle of the night for over a year. In my previous employment with The Suffix, I was one of those people that was on call every now and then (seemed more "now" than "then", but I digress). And when the phone rang, we had to get things fixed. When we were on call, sometimes we slept, sometimes we didn't.

For SEVERAL months after I left was forced out of The Suffix, I was unable to sleep with my phone in the same room as me for fear of it ringing. Finally, that unsubstantiated fear has gone away and I now use my phone as a backup alarm.

Anyways, my phone is ringing and I slowly get out of my dream mentioned above. And I am trying to figure out what's going on and I realize it's my phone. I look at it and see it's one of my coworkers from The Suffix. The phone stops ringing before I can think about getting to it and I go back to bed.

This morning, I send said former coworker friend a text message. Here's the conversation:
Me: Did you forget I'm no longer on-call? What was up with that call missed call from you at Midnight:05?
Her: I was updating your contact info and pressed the # instead od 'edit' first! Sorry!
Her: Of
Me: Aahh -- I heard phone ringing and was like "WTF?" and saw it was you and was like "Excuse me?" -- but was too unconscious to do anything about it.
Me: I was like "Did Product blow up and She have no idea how to fix it?" :)
Her: I'm glad you didn't answer. I was going to apologize
Her: :D
Me: No worries -- I've gotten a good laugh about it (and soon to be another when I blog it)
Yeah.... so, calls in the middle of the night kinda scare me still!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

And there were marines -- and trophies!

Yeah -- so there was an event at The Company today that involved a Toys for Tots collection. And there were marines that were there to collect the toys. And I drooled.

Then, as part of the event, there was trivia.

At the end of the first round, we were proud to not be in last place! At the end of the second round, the same was said. Then it got worse.

That's right, we were in last place!

And we didn't quite get any additional points in round three. Or round four. So, for the final question, we went with big strategy! Wager the maximum points and go for the gusto to have the lowest score!

And then there was the awards -- First place got some awesome trophies and what looked to be a gift certificate. And last place got trophies as well.

I present to thee, my trophy!

Fun was had by all!

Yen Dollars! Get your Yen Dollars!

So, as part of my job, I create accounts and departments and other items of metadata for The Company. The requests come in, are reviewed by the Governance Team, and sent to my team for actual creation.

Within a request today, the following was the purpose of a new account:
"A new bank account in JPY Dollars is at Citibank for this new BU, a balance sheet account is required to capture the activities of this bank account."
Yeah. That's what I said as well.

*hangs head in shame*

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I can't stand it anymore!

So, I had yet ANOTHER discussion about random things with coworkers and more items that they haven't seen (and in some cases HEARD of), so I decided to start making a list *points over to sidebar*.

I can't believe some of the things they haven't experienced! And these people think Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey are funny. They haven't experienced good humor!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Ungrateful Craigslist Bastards!

So, I've converted from the "traditional" Christmas lights to LED lights.

Which means I have approximately 1200 lights to get rid of. (yeah, I'm a light whore on my tree)

I placed an ad on Craigslist for these used lights to help someone out. I figure they cost approximately eight cents a light based on retail prices, so that's about $100 in lights I'm trying to get rid of.

My price? $20. (They're used!)

Anyways, someone calls me. We'll say her name is Rachel for anonymity sake (oh wait, that really is her name. Sue me!).

Anyways, she informs me I'm some sort of God-Send because I have these lights available for her. She asks if I'll send her some directions to my place and she'd come by Tuesday to pick them up during my work from home day.

Mind you, this is a savings of approximately $100 from retail for a used product. That's a savings of like 80%. Clark Howard would be proud.

Anyways, I send her the directions and several (7?) hours later she replies saying she will pass on the lights because she thought I would be closer to her.

The problems I have are as follows:
1) The ad has my location in it
b) She said she was in Douglasville. That's approximately a half hour drive from here
iii) I would like to think a half hour drive each way would be more than worthwhile to save $80. Gas prices aren't THAT high.

I swear, I hate Craigslist flakes!

Am I being a little excessive here? Or am I semi-in-the-right?

Thursday, November 26, 2009


So, a few friends invited me over last night for game night.

Expecting something like Chutes and Ladders, Life, or Fluxx. Instead, we got Cashflow. (Apparently it was their homework to play it a few times as part of some investing thing they're wanting to do).

The concept behind Cashflow is to "get out of the rat race." -- it's part Monopoly, part Life, and part work. Yes, work. You have to keep a Financial Statement about yourself... And get it audited! (Do I have E&Y written on my forehead?)

I started out semi-over-analyzing things -- like why my debt wasn't going down when I made my "monthly payments" as spent my expenses on Pay Day. But, once I got to the point where I ignored my standard financial logic, I got into the game.

We played for a few hours and then we all were getting tired. I was declared the winner because I was the closest to getting out of the Rat Race (where your passive income is greater than your monthly expenses).

Of course questions of my background came up to see my "personality type" to help me get where I got in the game. Apparently some of my business background from my alma mater helped. And a lot that I learned on my own as I was buying my house (there's a lot of real estate transactions in the game).

Then I started to think -- that's not my personality in everyday life. I don't think. It would be great if I could find a way to incorporate that person into my persona, but I'd need to figure out how. Then who knows what could happen!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

Not much exciting has been going on. Well, it has, but things I won't be putting in the blog. We'll see what happens.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas was on TBS Sunday. I was all excited to watch it. I don't care if it's before Thanksgiving.

So, Eleven invited me to Thanksgiving tomorrow. I volunteered to make a pineapple bacon pound cake. For some reason everyone's all over it. It's in the oven now. I can't wait to see how it comes out because I'm working on perfecting the recipe.

I haven't decided if I'm doing Black Friday shopping yet. I usually do, but I haven't found anything I want yet. It's driving me a little batty.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

365 Days

So, yesterday marked 365 days with The Company. I thought about saying "525,600 minutes," but that would have inferred I worked that many minutes, and we all know that could never happen!

In fact -- *does math* -- given the assumption I only work eight hour days, I've never lasted at a company for 525,600 minutes. The Suffix was close though. Especially with all those LONG nights I put in to make sure THOSE PEOPLE got their Forecast and Budget systems. But, I digress.

Yesterday was also my work from home day, so when I came into work today, I got the following card on my desk:
And, on the inside:
Yes, I blurred out my name, but left everyone else's in tact. It's just another way to keep y'all from knowing who I really am!

Yes, we all enjoy having to fill out Birthday and Anniversary cards for EVERYONE. There's times where we get like eight in a month, it seems (and for a team of like 20, it gets annoying).

And, yes, Bob did say "Happy birthday" -- he's one of those people who is crazy and jealous of my craziness. Kinda like Monk and Harold Krenshaw.

So, I made it to the 1-year point with The Company. I'm definitely hoping to make it a few more!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Freaky Voicemail Message

So, I recently added a Google Voice link to my blog over to the right. Oh, you didn't see it? Well, look over there *points -->*

Anyways, don't even think about trying to use it to prank call me in the middle of the night. Why? Because the widget is set to go straight to voicemail when someone attempts to call. Period. At any hour of the day. I'm not THAT crazy to let total strangers call me in the middle of the night! (Much less, if I get called in the middle of the day while I'm at work by one of my seven fans -- yes, that's right.. I apparently am up to seven readers now. One day I might get as many fans as ChickenPopPod. Pshyeah, right! I'm not cool enough.)

But, I guess someone tried to do it. At least, that's the best I can determine as there's no missed calls on my cell phone.

So, at 12:13am today, I got the voicemail I'm going to share with y'all below:

Yeah -- I think someone was trying to prank me and it didn't quite work. And seriously -- Laundry is who gets to pick up the phone at 12:13am?

So, while I have y'alls attention, I think you should send me a nice voicemail. And give me suggestions as to what my outgoing message for it should be. I wish I could upload an .mp3 file for the voicemail, but Google Voice doesn't allow that. Otherwise people might end up hearing the chorus from the best music video ever:

(Also, if you want a Google Voice account, you'll have to leave me a voicemail proclaiming why you think you should get invited -- along with your name and email address so I can send it off to anyone that gets deemed worthy. At this moment, I have one invite remaining until they replenish me.)

So. Do it now. Call me! And if your voicemail is cool enough, you might just hear it later in the blog!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Also, I ate out three females

So, I went out with a group of awesome friends last night for my birthday at the Hu Ke Lau. Big fun was had by all!

We got there and had some foodstuffs. Triple Lobstah, to be exact! Oohh, it was good. Except, out of the twelve lobstahs that came out on the table, I managed to somehow get three chicks.

They had good drinks also. Very good drinks!

After dinner, they brought out the awesome carrot cake Carla bought for my birthday (it's healthy 'cuz it has carrots in it!). Awesome happy birthday montage and everything. Needless to say it wasn't just my birthday, but it was great!

After cake, they asked for people to come up on stage to learn some traditional dance. Of course, I was invited up, and we were dancing while waiting for the lessons:

Shut up! I know I can't dance! (more about that in a minute)

Anyway, we're introduced to the "Fruit Salad" dance. Here's a little preview of us learning:

That's where things take a twist. Apparently as we're "Fruit Salading", one of the hula dancers brings me back stage. I was hoping to come across the hot male dancer, but, alas no. I was placed into costume and informed she and I were going to go out and perform some special dance.

While all that happened, my sistah apparently got to learn another fruit salad:

Then it happened -- I was told we're going to go out on stage and perform the special dance.

"Are you ready?"


And I'm thrown out in the middle of the stage like some bad sitcom. Spotlight on me. I have no idea what's going on. So, I start dancing (again, shut up!)

Oh yeah, I was bad!

Finally, chickie showed up and we did our thing. It was pretty fun:

At the end, there was a huge bump with me in the middle. Carla informs me some guy just gawked insanely and she had to holler "BUT HE'S GAY!"

In all, I've decided I have awesome friends up here that I totally miss while I'm in Hotlanta. Maybe I can convince some of them to come down for a visit! :)

Friday, October 16, 2009

My own mother didn't recognize me!

So, I did it again. I showed up unannounced.

I flew into Boston Logan International Airport yesterday afternoon. I stayed with a pair of awesome friends of mine in Portsmouth, NH for the night. We went out for twin lobstah to celebrate my birthday. It was GOOOOD!

Then I got up this morning (which coincidentally is my birthday) and saw a tweet from my sistah saying it's snowing. I laugh at her and log into my AIM account and head towards Western Massachusetts.

During the drive, she and I have a bit of conversation (heaven bless technology allowing me to AIM from my phone to eliminate any potential suspicion). When I arrive in town, I show up at her place d'emploi and get to the top of the stairs and proclaim, "You know why it's snowing, right?"

I could tell she was about to say "No, why?" -- but she pauses and stares for a moment and goes "YOU JERK! You need to quit showing up unannounced!"

I told her we needed to come up with some way to surprise Mother. I told her to make some excuse to go to WalMart or something.

Then, I decided it was Nan's turn. I thought about calling her, but decided I'd knock. I'd be good.

When I got there, my cousin and his son had just arrived and she was closing the door. I said "Heylo!"

Nan (in her 85 years on this earth) was a little startled as she turned around to see what was going on. She got all excited and I gave her a hug and was like "Don't collapse on me! Don't collapse on me! Don't collapse on me!"

I sit and talk to her for a bit and she said she had to go get a nerve pill thanks to me. I know, I'm a bad grandson.

My sister got home and said she told Mother that she wanted to go to WalMart after her husband got home. I told her that was too late. But! My sister knew which bar Mother was in, so we decided to just go there and show up.

I would TOTALLY have video this time, but my camera's battery was dead (some idiot didn't check to make sure the camera was in the "off" position when arriving in NH).

Since we all know all about my mother, I'm not even going to go into the details back story.

We walk into the bar and Mother's back is turned. Sistah is motioning the "shh" symbol telling everyone to be quiet. I put my arm around Mother and say "Well hello!" and give her a kiss.

Sis comes right behind and we're having a jolly old time talking. I make comments about "No heart attacks this time?" and talk about various things from the last visit and she's clueless. After about two minutes I say, "What? No happy birthday?"

She rebutes with "It's your birthday too.... You f**ker! What are you doing here?"

I start laughing and go "What, you didn't recognize me?"

"Nope! I was gonna call <sister's> later and ask who came here with her and gave me a hug and kiss."

HOW EMBARASSING! Not even recognizing you!

Friday, October 9, 2009

It was a sad sad day

One year ago today was very tragic in my life. We still haven't come up with a name for it because nothing goes well with "Thursday" to acknowledge how horrible it really was.

You see, one year ago today, I went to work at The Suffix in a very unsuspecting manner. I was happy-go-lucky trying to get systems to be all happy and cooperative and stuff like that. It was great.

Then 2:00 came and everything changed.

On my calendar was a 1-on-1 meeting with my manager. It was initially scheduled for Tuesday, but got shifted to Thursday. Not usually a big deal. The meeting was also changed from a conference room on our floor to a conference room in the basement. That was weird, but I figured nothing was available upstairs.

At 2:30, I headed downstairs and entered the Red Oak Conference Room and saw two people -- my manager, and our HR representative. "This can NOT be good, I thought."

I was informed that due to the current economic crisis, my position was being eliminated. My manager left the room and I was sitting with HR.

She explained what was going to go on. As of Halloween, I would be severed. They asked if I'd continue to work until the end of the month, but work more on focusing to find a new position. Anything I had to do for this came first, and The Suffix work came second. We went through the standard paperwork and the first thing I noticed was my age on one of the forms would be wrong as of the layoff date. She inquired and I said "Next week's my birthday. Happy birthday, I'm getting laid off!"

I kept as much composure as I could and went back upstairs. I happened across Princess Sparklepants and she was like "Do you need to go for a walk?" I responded "YES!"

We went outside for a few minutes and she was apologizing left and right. She said she knew and it was killing her that she couldn't tell me. I told her I was glad she didn't because I didn't want her to risk her job. And, to this day, I think she's awesome in the fact she didn't let anything on. I know much it hurt her to be on the inside with bad news about the people she cares about.

I went back upstairs and packed up for the day. I walked outside and called my chiropractor and asked if I could see her early. She asked if everything was ok, and I said no. She asked what was wrong and I said I couldn't say at the moment. Of course, her next response was "I'll be at the office in ten minutes." (I love her for that!)

I met her at her office and she asked what was wrong. I let out the water works and started bawling on her shoulder (which isn't difficult when I'm 6'1" and she's 5'3 3/4"). She keeps trying to figure out what's going on and I finally muster out "I'm being laid off."

We talk for a bit and she kinda cheers me up, but not really. I went home called a few people to give them the bad news, went to my favoritest chinese restaurant with a friend, posted this, then went to bed all depressed.

I mean, what was going to happen to me? To Bradley? To my house? I was beyond lost.

Friday, I got up and moped around. I started working on my resume (too bad I didn't think of a video resume....), and was getting more and more depressed. Then, out of the blue, I had a great idea! I was going to throw a party to celebrate the fact I was getting laid off! Thus birthed the "I'm over it" phase of it all.

I started basic planning of that, and tried to see what else I could do.

The following Monday, I showed up at work (mainly to provide the face time -- not really wanting to focus on The Suffix work), and played around with my resume. I stopped by friends desks and informed them of the news if they hadn't heard yet. The composure came and went, but nothing came bigger than eyes swelling up with tears.

That Wednesday was the 15th, and my standard work from home day. So, I got all settled in and was playing with my resume.

About 12:45, I logged onto and searched for my specialty. The first posting I saw I was like "I can do this!" and sent in my incomplete resume. I've sent in thousands of resumes in the past to these recruiters only to have them ignored, so what's one more incomplete resume?

At 1:00, I had to hop on a conference call (That I didn't want to be on), and call waiting kicked in. I answered it and it was the recruiter. He asked if I had time to talk and I told him I was on a conference call, but can hang up with them to talk. We had a conversation about how much he liked my skills and wanted to present my resume to the client. I said "Ok" and he informed me the client was The Company.

I was like "you're kidding, right?"

"No -- why?"

"I've wanted to work for The Company for YEARS! In fact, I've joked with The Suffix that the only way I'd willingly leave them was for The Company!"

He said he'd give me a call back and work on when I can interview.

Hope began to spark. I told a few people I had an interview coming up.

The following Monday I had the interview. And I thought it went BAD. HORRIBLY! So wrong that I didn't even call the recruiter back after it. Tuesday, the recruiter calls me and asks how it went. I informed him "Horrible -- worst interview of my life."

The next words out of his mouth were quite odd to hear: "Weird. They said they like you and want you to come back for another interview."

"Dude, this is no time to play with my emotions."

"No, seriously. They like you."

I'm flabberghasted, and get a second interview set up for the following Monday. This time, it was a lunch interview (Gee... not only is there pressure to be personable, but I have to EAT in a monkey suit as well?).

The following Monday I had said interview, and we went out to lunch and the theme was Italian. "Great... I'm going to be in the monkey suit AND have to deal with Italian food? PLEASE DON'T LET ME DROP FOOD.. PLEASE DON'T LET ME DROP FOOD!"

The lunch interview went great. So great that I forgot I was wearing the monkey suit. After lunch, we headed over to HR with that portion of the interview. Hiring manager said there was a second contendor for the position and her second interview was the next day and Wednesday or Thursday I should hear. Of course, mentally I'm like "Are they going to hire the homosexual or the female?"

The logistics are talked out with HR, and I head home and get out of the monkey suit. I talk with recruiter dude and he heard good things, so it's the waiting game.

Wednesday came and went.
Thursday came and before it went, I emailed the recruiter asking if he heard anything. Bad news -- there was some sudden budget deadline that appeared and they wouldn't make a decision 'til Friday or Monday.

I think to myself, "How hard is it to say 'Hire Smply'?"

I'm talking with a coworker at The Suffix and he tells me my name's being said a lot in HR. I try to figure out how he knows that until I realize his wife works for HR in The Company. He didn't know much but my name being said, so I thought that was positive thoughts (or he was just lying to me to keep me in a positive mood).

Friday was not only Halloween, but my last day at The Suffix. I wrote my tearful goodbye email and had my exit interview (that ran long), and left. I got home and had absolutely nothing to do. Until I was invited out Trick or Treating by Beanie.

Somehow during Trick or Treating, I managed to collect a bag and actually start getting candy (which wasn't really impressive 'cuz it was stuff I wouldn't eat -- so much for collecting food for unemployment).

Saturday was the "Smply got!" party. As my Furby would call it, "Big fun!" I even got a "RIP" tombstone from Party City and put The Suffix's logo under it. It was great!

Sunday I went to take down the black balloons from my mailbox and the dog groomer was at gaybor's house and said "Someone had a big birthday..." -- I replied "nope, I had a 'I got laid off' party" -- her look was priceless!

Monday, I woke up and went downstairs and started working on my resume. Bradley was very confused as to why I wasn't at work. About noon, I finally decided to hop in the shower. When I got out, I emailed the recruiter asking if he had heard anything. Fifteen minutes later, my phone rang and it was him.

He started all the smalltalk that I HATE! Asking how my weekend was and all that jazz. "GET TO THE POINT!" I wanted to demand, but I was being nice.

He finally got around to the meat of the conversation: "So, do you still want to work for The Company?"

"Um, yes!"

"Well, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is they really like you and would like to extend you an offer."


"And the bad news is they don't want to pay you what you asked. They want to pay you more."

Of course, it wasn't extensively more, but I was happy with the number they came up with (Heck, I was happy with the number I came up with). We talked through logistics and I told him I would prefer to take two weeks off before so I could scare my fambly.

In any event, it was a sad sad day a year ago today. But everything turned out for the better. It's great to have friends and fambly (and friends who are basically fambly) out there to reach out for support!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

I'm a Star!!

Or at least that's what I'm now told. We know I don't like to toot my own horn, but this was just overly exciting.

I came into work this morning with the following email in my inbox (Ok, names have been changed to protect identities):
From: FAStars
To: SmplyUnprdctble
CC: Boss, Boss's Boss
Subject: You've been recognized!

Congratulations, you have been recognized for your Above and Beyond achievements. Your efforts will also be considered for a Gold STAR award as a part of the Finance and Accounting STARS recognition program:


Recognized By: Boss's Boss

Headline: Schedule Design Innovator

Comments: The Schedules Database Project consisted of creating an Essbase cube, Oracle database, and web user interface designed to automate the schedule consolidation and reporting process. This project currently encompasses over 25 CP&R and Tax schedules, including variance reports and censuses. The new database is expected to save CP&R, Tax, and segment consolidation groups countless hours of consolidation time in critical close periods as well as enhance schedule accuracy, security and review controls. Smply has made various outstanding contributions to this project such as: learning new software not currently employed in the company; modifying and creating new schedules for the software; ensuring that peers were trained on issue resolution and new processes; making creative and innovative solutions to handle schedule workflow issues and long running schedules for international users; extending the software capabilities by designing new ways to save, print, and debug issues. He has even been able to create new processes for solutions that the outside consultant from the software company could not provide. Smply was able to create a proof of concept solution for one of our issues within 24 hours while the outside consultant quoted a work effort of 2-3 months. Smply has made quiet but far-reaching contributions to this project that will be felt by everyone that uses the schedules database. He has been instrumental in making the CP&R Schedules Project a success. Great Job!!


If you are selected as a Gold Star winner you will be notified by your manager after quarter end.

Thank you for your contribution and for helping us set the standard for our 21st Century Finance Organization.

I was like "OMG! I'm excited!" Then I saw this email from the Director of the department:
From: SuperBigBoss
To: SmplyUnprdctble
CC: Boss, Boss's Boss
Subject: FW:


I AGREE COMPLETELY!!! Thanks for the outstanding work on this project. You’ve provided creative solutions to our challenges, and have been a key to the success of this project from the beginning. Great job!
Dudes! I'm running around on cloud 9! The only thing that could make this any better is....

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Yes, I know I'm evil!

So, we all know I have this odd way of being crazy.

Along with this idea that I have interesting conversations.

Or leave people speachless.

And have really weird conversations like this and this.

Today, I was in Scumberland Mall. As I was leaving, I was ambushed by some girl at the Dead Sea Spa Kiosk. Obviously trying to make a sale.

She forced some of their salt scrub product in my hand and had me rub and exfoliate with it. She does her talking and I explain I don't like the oily feeling it leaves (I really don't. It's disgusting).

Then she starts to go on about how bad my manicure is.

I then have to inform her that the Korean ladies have been known to fight over who gets to do my nails because I have such soft and lovely hands.

Let's not forget she's keeps telling me that their product would end up causing all the girls to be after me. I giggled.

In order to get away from her, I decided I would inform her that I would be back for the holi-daze to buy something for my sister. THEN the pitch comes in. Normally the manicure product would sell for $59.99, but today only, she could sell it to me for $49.99. And today only, it would be BOGO, so I could get one for my mother!

That's when I decided to have at it.

I started tearing up. As the tears welled up, I told the girl that I my mother was no longer alive. I went on saying we were out at a great lobster restaurant and the lobster she picked broke out of it's claw bands and attacked her jugular, leaving the entire restaurant in a bloody mess. That, combined with dad's unfortunate incident with a cow, has caused me to have difficulty going to almost any restaurant without choking up.

The look on her face was priceless.

Of course, the story I told her isn't true. But it allowed me to get away from her and have a little fun at the same time!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Dudes, I am awesome beyond compare!

Not that the Interwebs didn't already know that. But why this time?

Let's set the story. Picture it: The Company, Yesterday.

I'm sitting in a meeting with my boss, the project manager, and consultant dude. We're trying to figure out this whole "printing" situation that has existed in the system since the day it went into design with the consultant. You see, it's consultant's job to build us this awesome system where users can input data and it will consolidate up and save a lot of people a lot of time. One of the requirements has been the ability to save off all these data input sheets (something about SOX?), and TECHNICALLY we can do that from the get-go by opening up the sheets and doing a save-as, but that's a LOT of work when you have 30-50 of these submitted.

So, we're talking about ideas on how to get this created. I suggest an idea that is shot down by the consultant saying it will not work. I'm looking at the phone like "Why? It's... SIMPLE!"

A few more ideas come around and consultant basically says it's not possible without a total redesign of the system since it wasn't designed for this from the beginning (who's fault is that?). He said it would take 2-3 months to get this to work IF it was possible.

So, consultant dude basically said my idea can't be done, and the whole problem is probably not possible.

I don't take "NO" for an answer. (Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing).

So, I spent today seeing if my idea was actually feasible or not. It's not like I pushed off anything else I was working on (Ok, I pushed off a report, but it's technically not due 'til Monday and it takes 10 minutes to pull up).

After about an hour, I started thinking "Hrmm... this might actually work."

After two hours, I had a proof of concept that actually worked.

After about five hours, I had it fully built (and UNTESTED) with the exception of an integration into the web front-end (I don't even have access to that source code to even attempt to do that).

I fired an email off to my boss and the project manager with the output of my prototype saying "2-3 months went by quite quickly."

I haven't heard back from them (as one of them was on vacation today and the other was working from home and probably clocked out by the time I sen tthe email) yet, but I think they'll be quite pleased.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Email Time!

This is the email my sister CC'd me on as she was sending it to a radio station. True story.
I only heard a brief segment of your phone-ins this morning about things being flushed down the story and what makes it worthwhile to fetch. It really brought me back to my childhood. I'm 28 right now. Let me tell you a story.

Quite a few years ago, when I was probably 8-10 years old, my brother (he is 3.5 years older than me) & I went trick-or-treating on Halloween and I always finished my candy before anyone else did so, it was probably a week after Halloween or so and I wanted some candy. So, what's a girl to do? She goes and asks big brother for some candy. You think he'd give me any? Of course not! SO, I had to put up a fight. I followed him around the house begging and finally followed him to just outside the bathroom door.

Here I am, outside the bathroom door banging on it saying, "Just a lollipop, all I want is a lollipop!" and hearing "no" as a response, SO, I kept it up, FINALLY he finished his business & pulled up his pants, so the door opened and he yells "FINE!" and flushes the toilet, reaches down just to the side of the toilet and pulls a dum dum pop out of his candy bucket, as he goes to hand it to me, it hits the flusher and falls in the toilet. The toilet is still flushing and he reaches his hand in the toilet and grabs the dum dum back out and tries to give it to me.

"EWWWWWWW! I'm not eating THAT! I want a CLEAN lollipop!" I said.
I never DID get a lollipop, but it brings tears of laughter to my eyes EVERY time that story is told.

So, for my brother, he'd sacrifice reaching in the potty to save a dum dum pop. Me, on the other hand, I've never reached in the potty, but I'd probably save my book or my cell phone LOL

Monday, August 31, 2009

Numbers Numbers Everywhere!

Saturday, I truly learned how different this great city I live in is compared to most other places I've lived (and apparently a lot of other places in the country). And, not so much that, but how acclimated I've become to this place that it's difficult to think any other way.

I was selling a bunch of stuff on Craigslist that I have been trying to rid of for a while now. I figured it's college time, so students may be interested if they're going to be living off campus or something maybe. Yes, I know May is a betterer time, but still. I was busy in May. I'll continue until I get it sold, but that's not the story.

The person who wanted my entertainment tower set (ya know, the things that hold your TV and all it's components) was a very friendly Indian guy. He had just moved to the Atlanta area from Minnesota (I'm sure he's thankful he doesn't have to deal with THAT winter). Apparently his line of work what he does is moves to a new place, buys what he can to furnish an apartment cheap (hence Craigslist), and sell what he can at the end of his stay before moving on.

He came to my place (after getting lost, which brings to light more of the fact I can't get pizza delivered to my house) to take a look at the tower set and said he wanted it. The problem was he came in a sedan and couldn't fit it. He was going to have mover people transport it for him and he wanted to negotiate. I didn't want to drop my price, so I increased it a bit and said I would deliver it for him since I have a truck and he was only in Dunwoody. Yay, he agreed.

Then came the complicated part. I asked whereabouts in Dunwoody he lived. He started out with something that sounded like "take 285 to exit 24..." and my eyes glazed over. I had to stop him and say "Ok, don't do exit numbers, I don't know them. Only street names."

Unfortunately, he partially misunderstood me because he started to explain that 285 was an interstate.

I chuckled at our minor language barrier.

When we got on the same page, I learned where he lived and said I would deliver it the next morning.

Then I got to thinking what exactly changed?

Everywhere else I lived, I went by exit numbers. Easthampton, MA is exit 17B on I-91. The exit I lived on out of college was exit 20 off 95/128. The exit that was commonly taken by people to get to my college (until you knew the shorter ways) was 28A. These were numbers I lived by.

Until Atlanta.

I couldn't even TELL you the exit number I live off of (ok, there would be a number of exits to take depending on which direction you're coming, but that's another story). I know the names of the roads, but not the numbers.

People who are new to the area want exit numbers. They get mad when I tell them I don't know the numbers, but can give them the names of several exits before the one I want them to take.

I think the difference is the sheer size of the city. In any other place I've lived, an exit takes you in the general direction of a town or city. Here, the exit takes you to a specific road name (until you get a distance outside the city, then it's a combination of the two).

Another theory I have is the people. I think it was up until the '96 Olympics here, there were different exit numbers depending on which direction you were traveling that would get to the same location. One direction the exit for North Druid Hills would be Exit 89. The opposite direction it could be Exit 84 (There were some exits that only existed on one side of the Interstate, so the numbers got off). Based on this, I think people decided to give road names instead of numbers because it got complicated.

Whatever the reason is, I hope that traveling to other parts of the country again doesn't get me confused as I'm looking for friends places. Of course, the great thing is I now have a GPS which will reduce the chances of me getting lost.

....Now, if only pizza deliveries can start using GPS to deliver to me!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I love my dentist!

Once upon a time, there was this boy. His parents didn't particularly bring him to the dentist as a child, so he didn't totally know what good oral hygene was. He wasn't big with brushing his teeth either.

During his last two years of high school, his grandmother made him go to the dentist. This dentist was a very scary man. So scary that when he would clean the boy's teeth, there would be chunks of gum tissue in the rinse-spit. And that second visit with the scary dentist, there was a cavity that needed filling. The scary dentist didn't even let the Novocaine set in prior to drilling.

Terrified, the boy didn't go to a dentist for about eleven years. And during these eleven years, the boy became a man.

Then the man decided he didn't want to be paying for dental insurance if he wasn't going to use it. With this thoughts, the man decided he wanted to find a dentist. But the man was too scared to do this alone.

One fateful spring day, the man went out to dinner with a group of people from the Gay and Lesbian Alliance club through work. At this dinner, he started talking with this other gentleman who knew of this awesome dentist. He talked very highly of her and said he did a lot of research even before going to her. He mentioned that she also is "family" and suggested the man go see her.

A few days later, the man mustered up some courage and dialed the phone to her office. The man had mentioned I think I need an appointment, and the receptionist said "how's tomorrow sound?"

That terrified the man. He's been afraid of dentists for eleven years and they want to see him the next day. He asked for something later, and they suggested the following day. He said "You don't understand. Don't you have something three years from now? I'm terrified."

The receptionist laughed and said the latest she would go is the following Monday because the man would have to get over his fear. Reluctantly, the man agreed.

The fateful day of the following Monday came and he met the dentist. She seemed nice enough. She also seemed intent that the man needed to have some root planing done. The man had no idea what this was and was shaken up. The dentist noticed this, so she prescribed something to calm the man's nerves during the procedure, forcing him to beg for rides since it would be done two quadrants at a time.

The day of the first fateful appointment, the man came in terrified. He had taken his "calm down" meds, but it didnt' seem to help. He got in the scary chair and she said they would numb him up for the scaling to reduce the amount of pain the man had to go through. A couple pinches later and the man could have been punched in the face and not felt it. They started scraping and everything and the man tasted blood left and right. Could this be a repeat of the last fateful dentist appointment? Determined to be brave, the man allowed things to continue.

There was also counting happening. Lots of 5's were mentioned. 5's are really bad, the man was told. It's the gap between the gumline and the tooth. The man was at serious risk of having major problems if things weren't taken care of. Also, there were cavities.

Slowly, the man and his dentist worked to resolve all the cavities, but the man still wasn't doing a lot on his own to keep brushing (much less flossing). He wasn't accustomed to doing it on a regular basis, so he kept forgetting. And one of the cavities was so deep that a regular filling didn't resolve it. The man needed a root canal!

The man was TERRIFIED. He had heard horror stories of root canals. He cried for the few minutes his dentist was away, but he braved up. The dentist started the procedure by numbing the man. All the man felt was a little bit of pressure while the nerves were removed. It wasn't so bad afterall.

The man slowly decided that he wanted to continue to keep his teeth. And the dentist gave a plan on things the man may want to do in order to make his teeth look awesome. This plan, however, was contingent on his gums getting better. So she sent the man to an awesome periodontist to help things out.

A few visits back and forth and the man's teeth started to be better. "Extreme Makeover Dental Edition" he called it. The man also purchased a Sonicare toothbrush to try to help. The man finally got on a regimen to brush his teeth on a nightly basis, and that helped. The dentist and periodontist was seeing an improvement, but kept telling the man he needed to floss more. The man wanted to, but he never felt like he needed it.

One day at work, the man got into a discussion with a coworker of his as to who had the more awesome dentist. They both argued back and forth for about two minutes until they decided to ask each other who the other's dentist was. Turns out they both visit the same dentist (and hygenist).

Then the man's teeth and gums got to a point where his dentist said they could do Invisaligns. The man wanted to have his teeth straightened as they looked horrible, so he agreed that's what they would do once he had a Flexible Spending Account to pay for it.

In the spring of 2009, the man went to the dentist and got fitted for his Invisaligns. That was an adventure as the two spent almost three hours taking impressions. But they got them and sent the impressions off to the powers that be. After about two months, the man was approved for Invisaligns and trays were created.

With the Invisaligns, the dentist informed the man that he would need to floss more. Specifically because he would feel ANYTHING stuck between his teeth. "Great!", the man thought, "This will help me get myself on track!"

The first week of Invisaligns, the man got on a regimen of brushing AND flossing after every meal. He was pulling out huge chunks of food he didn't realize were getting stuck between his teeth. One day, he ate a Big Mac and it seemed a whole head of lettuce came out from between his teeth. But, he was doing pretty good!

Now, it was Wednesday, August 26, and the man had another appointment with his awesome dentist. He had been brushing and flossing diligently since his last visit. He was on his 8th Invisalign tray and everyone was anxious to see the progress with the teeth. His hopes were that it was going to be an easy appointment. He anxiously sat in the chair and joked with his awesome hygenist about a few things. Then he sat back and let her have a look.

She started poking and prodding. "All 3's", she said. THREES! The man was excited he had threes! He thought he might have better numbers if his teeth weren't moving with the Invisaligns. He wasn't going to press it, though. He'll sit and wait until next year to see if he could get to 2's.

Then she was scraping around his teeth. And then she was done. He didn't feel a lot of scraping happening and she said there was very little tartar on his teeth and she didn't have to do much and she was going to polish him up and get the dentist to take a look. So, polishing she went.

While the hygenist was out of the room, the man happened to look down at his bib. There was NO blood on it. This was the first time EVER that the man had ever been to a dentist and not seen any blood on the bib. At ALL. He was excited. Then when the dentist came into the room he joked he didn't think the hygenist really did anything since there was no blood on the bib. They all had a great laugh.

The boy left the dentist's office with a huge smile on his face knowing that not only has his oral hygene improved, but his teeth are looking awesome!

The End.

In case y'all didn't know, that boy/man in the story was me. I was SUPER-EXCITED at my appointment yesterday at the progress I made. I even jumped up and down and gave my hot lesbian dentist and awesome hygenist a HUGE hug! And I'm not quite where I want to be yet!

...Now, if only I could lose some pounds... I need to find some way to convince myself to get to the gym and eat more fruits and vegetables...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

"I think he's on drugs"

So, one of my fellow Bentley Alumns (different year though) has been trying to land a job. I'm pulling for him (c'mon, his Musical Resume is wicked awesome. Someone needs to hire him NOW I say!).

Anyways, he just changed cellphone companies and I twittered that he can now get pranked by potential employers and that I had a story about my past similar. I thought I'd share (and for those of you who already know this story, SUFFER through it again!)

As my five readers (yes, I've somehow upgraded it seems) may or may not know, when I first moved to Atlanta, I had difficulties finding a position in the IT field. This was shortly after I lost my job in Boston due to the Dot-Com Bust. I was tired of Boston, so I moved to Atlanta. After SEVERAL months of searching (and a few interviews), I was getting desperate with money running out, so I applied for and got a position waiting tables at Waffle House.

Yes, I said it. Waffle House.

Don't believe me? Here's a pic or two:

I started working around Christmas time of '01 and spent thirteen LONG months there working the night shift (9pm-7am).

Now, enter December '02. My regular Waffle House schedule was Sunday-Wednesday 9pm-7am. I woke up that Wednesday night to go into work and I had no hot water. I called the emergency number for my apartment complex and they promised to have someone out first thing in the morning. Gee, I get to go to work unshowered. Luckily I showered that morning...

I worked my ten hours and left about quarter after seven. I stopped by Jesus Chicken on the way home to get my "breakfast-dinner" and I went home to wait for the hot water heater guy.

He showed up about 8:30 (Oh yeah, did I mention I complained loudly that I work nights and needed him to come as early as possible so I didn't lose much sleep?) and replaced my hot water heater. 11:30 he was done and I was PRAYING for the hot water to heat up so I could shower and go to bed. Noon I did one of those "quick showers" since I knew I had minutes of hot water then went to bed.

About 2:00pm my cell phone rings. I'm dead to the world at this point (as it's the equivalent of a "normal person" being called at 2am after getting to bed after midnight). I hear the words "health care" in the caller's greeting, so I go into "telemarketer mode" -- which is where I unconsciously answer all the questions and when they ask if I'm interested, say no. Hey, if you're gonna waste my time, I'm gonna waste yours.

Anyways, I get to the "Are you interested?" part of the conversation and I say "no." -- She asks why and states that it would be a great opportunity and I start to wake up and realize I had been on an initial phone screen interview. I explain the ordeal to the HR person and set up an interview for a few days later. (The company was basically a managed health care organization -- think nursing homes)

(That part of the story is the reason for the aforementioned Twitter update)

Of course, these interviews are AFTER my regular shifts at Waffle House, so I'm PRAYING I don't yawn or fall asleep during them.

My first interview was with the lead technical guy. It was a "how well do you interact" interview. The only thing I really remember from the event was him saying "eh" and I jokingly asked if he was from Canada. He made some snide "Stupid Americans" remark saying I wouldn't even know where Nova Scotia (the province he's from) was -- I proudly described it's location then informed him I cheated 'cuz my sister's husband's (ok, he wasn't husband at the time) family is from there.

The second interview was with the boss man. Again, one of those "how well do you interact" interviews. He also said his whole vision for the system they were creating.

Oh yeah, did I mention I NEVER dealt with the database software I was interviewing for? But they loved the fact I had a multi-dimensional background. Of course, I'm throwing out ideas that I pick up on things fast and am doing anything I can to get the position.

I'm asked back for a THIRD interview. This was when I interviewed back with Canadian on a more technical basis and then I got to talk with the two Financial Analysts I was going to support. Now, back to the idea I had NEVER dealt with (or even heard the word Essbase before), I'm supposed to be able to do some technical stuff with it? Ok, here goes.

Canadian is interested in my debugging skills. So he shows me some of the actual real-life calculation problems he's encountered with Hyperion's piss-poor compiler error messages as to what's wrong. I reiterated that I had never seen Essbase prior to this encounter, but was able to find all four problems in the four scripts he showed me (one he admitted it took him three hours to discover the problem and I found the missing semi-colon in thirty seconds).

I then got to sit with the Financial Analysts. Honestly, I didn't like them. They seemed snooty to me. (Later I realized how awesome and cool they were and admitted my first impression to them -- they said they get it all the time).

I then got called back for a FOURTH interview. Yes people, I said FOURTH. This is getting to be the equivalent of running 14-hour workdays in order to do the commutes and such.

The fourth interview I interviewed with the SVP of the Finance Dept (I wasn't in IT, I was in the Finance Dept as IT couldn't figure out the exact needs of the users). Dude told me it was between me and this other girl and told me I practically had the job, there was just logistics they had to go through. I'm wondering why he's telling me all this, and later hear him say he's leaving the company soon anyways, so he's wondering why he had to interview me. Gee.

I got home about noon after that interview and went to bed. For some reason I woke up about 2:30 and went downstairs (where my phone was charging) and I had a voicemail. It was the HR peeps from said company wanting to talk to me. I called them back and I got a job offer (after about a month of interviews).

Of course, when I went and told my manager at Waffle House, he BEGGED me to stay (apparently I was the ONLY one of his employees he could trust). I told him I couldn't because Waffle House didn't offer me the benefits and such that this new position. Not to mention daylight hours!

Fast forward one year. We're doing our celebrations of birthdays and anniversaries. Canadian dude proclaims the following story:
When we were looking to fill the new Hyperion position, I sent HR on a quest to find people. I got a call back from HR saying "I think we found someone for you. But I think he's on drugs!" I took a chance and still interviewed him and we've gotten an awesome resource out of him. Sometimes I still think he's on drugs, but at least I know it's his personality.
The moral of the story? "When life is looking gloomy, bright things will come." Or is it "When you get a call while sleeping, don't automatically go into telemarketer mode or you'll sound like you're on drugs"?

Monday, August 10, 2009


Admit it. You've all seen it. Those "fashionists" who insist on wearing on wearing women's jeans even though they're male. There's a couple guys on my floor here at The Company that do that.

I have several problems with this, though.

First of all, it looks really wrong. If you're a male and have a woman's thighs and legs, there's too much estrogen in your system.

Secondly, men's hips are positioned differently than women's, and it looks like your pants are about to fall off.

Finally, my biggest issue with it is the lack of cameltoe. You'd think if you had ANYTHING there with the crotch being that tight something would show. But, generally there's NOTHING. Where the hell does it go? I'd DIE if I had my junk tucked away that tight.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I dub thee "Dooky Head"

When you move into a previously-lived-in location, you're bound to get mail for strangers.

Previously, my house was owned by a church. So, I'll get lots of religious things in the mail. And occasionally a letter for a previous person saying their car loan is in default or their student loans are in default (I guess God really doesn't care about them enough to make sure their credit stays good).

Anyways, yesterday I received the strangest piece of mail:
Yes -- that's right -- it says "Dooky Head" -- and the address is mine. I'm debating calling Progressive and saying "Excuse me sir or madam, but I think you misspelled "Dookey". If I do call, I'll keep all three of my readers updated!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Coupon Conundrum

I'm going to prefix this blog posting with I do NOT condone the methods outlined below. I didn't quite realize what was going on with part of it.

So, as part of my home projects I needed to purchase six R-30 bulbs. A trip to WalsMart was in store.

Arrive there and my really awesome and hot boyfriend manages to find some bulbs in the clearance aisle for 3.43 each.

Next we head to the Self Checkout aisle to.. well.. check out!

As I'm scanning the bulbs, my really awesome and hot boyfriend notices there's a 75 cent off coupon. We begin peeling them off as we scan them. There's one missing. Oh well. Scan the first coupon and *bam* - 75 cents removed from the total. I put the coupon in the coupon holder as requested. Scan the second coupon and it tells us the coupon has been used the maximum times. I start reading the coupon and it doesn't say "limit one" so we ask for the CSR.

CSR comes down and scans it and it doesn't scan. But she still throws it in the coupon holder. She also states she cannot manually do them and cancels the coupon that was already used. We then decide that we'll do six different transactions as the line was empty (shocker, eh?).

So, we move lanes and we're down two coupons (and missing the one), and we decide to the coupons six times by putting the coupon label in instead of the coupon for half of them.

Six transactions of 2.89 later (3.43 minus .75 plus tax) I have six receipts and six bulbs.

I get into my truck and begin discussing how irritated the WalsMart manager will be once they go to check the drawers. One drawer will be short 2.25 (three coupons) and one will be over by 1.50 (two coupons). Then the kicker came out: I was informed the coupons had expired back a few months ago.

Apparently the way coupons work is the barcode stays the same no matter what. It is up to the cashier to verify the expiration date. It's a "known issue" when it comes to self checkout lanes. So, WalsMart is really out $4.50 from my coupon adventure. This wasn't intended, but seems a bit fair after the evil CSR person was so evil and unhelpful.

...And for those of you who call going through the line six times a retail person's nightmare -- the ONLY reason we did it that way was 'cuz nobody was in line behind us. Otherwise I woulda been a little more courteous of other shoppers. I'm not THAT evil (usually) :)

Friday, July 10, 2009

Don't mess with me, I'm PMSing

So, the past few days I've had EXTRA road rage, it seems. I blame it mostly on the new Invisalign trays I put in Wednesday. But, I'd rather blame it more on the STUPID IDIOTS who are on the roads.

Today was no exception.

This morning, I was exiting the Interstate to get to work.

At the end of the exit ramp, it's a bit interesting. It's an intersection where there's a true 4-way intersection as it drops you off into a side-street that has return traffic to get on the Interstate there.

Anyways, as I got to the intersection, the light turned red, I stopped, nobody was coming, so I proceeded to turn on red, which is legal. Apparently some asshole decided they wanted to run the red light from the opposite direction and make the left hand turn they shouldn't have done. Mind you, they weren't already in the intersection as the light turned red.

Not only did asshole illegally turn left on red, but they turned left on red INTO THE RIGHT-HAND LANE.

So, double-illegal.

Anyways, they had a "how is my driving?" sticker on their vehicle, so I called it complaining how the idiot driver almost hit me! (Ok, I was a bit more polite in my response as to be "professional". I figured that'd get a better reaction than "angry driver")

A bit ago, I got a callback from the company and they left a vmail thanking me for calling and they were going to take care of it with their driver.

Meme -- whatever that is

Dudes, Princess Sparkle Pants was mean and tagged me.

The Rules for this meme

1. Respond and rework. Answer the questions on your blog. Replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention, and add one more question of your own.

2. Tag other people.

What is your current obsession?
CK Obsession? No wait, that's not it.

What are you wearing today?
Clothes. Specifically jeans and a polo shirt. Not from Polo though.

What’s for dinner?
I heard a rumor RuSan's.

What would you eat for your last meal?
Jesus Chicken Breakfast!

What relaxes you the most?
What's relaxed?

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Just the next hour? I need a lot longer than an hour to visit Australia!

Which language do you want to learn?
English. Definitely English.

What do you love most about where you currently live?
The fact it hasn't burned down with all the problems we've found? Also, I *HEART* the way my dining area is inset.

What style is your current home decorated in?
It's decorated?

If you were a time traveler what era would you live in?
I've said it once, and I'll say it again -- I HATE TIME PARADOXICALITIES! Stupid Marty McFly....

What is your favorite color?
*points to a box of 96 Crayolas* That color!

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?
I cannot state that in this blog.

What were you doing ten years ago?
Ten years ago? I can barely remember ten minutes ago. Let's see... I was a computer geek for a small consulting firm in Bwahston. Was roommates with a short person. REALLY short person. Seriously, she's 4'10. I'd hate to see when she starts shinking from age.

If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on?
Again, can't say that in this blog. People will think I'm a pervert.

What are you going to do after this?
Cuss out IT more.

What are your favorite films?
The Lion King! Yeah... that's it.. Also the first three Star Wars films. And by "first three", I mean Episodes IV, V, and VI.

Your favorite books?
I'm so bored with reading lately.

Do you collect anything?
Dust bunnies!

What makes you follow a blog?
Gotta be amusing and enjoyable to read.

What was the most enjoyable thing you did today?
I can't say. But I WILL say it happened about 6am...

Ann's Question:What makes you comment on a blog?
Who is this Ann person?

Amy's Question:What is your favorite thing to do when you have some free time?
Who is this Amy person? And what is free time?

Tonya's question:What is a talent you wished you had?
I don't know Tonya, but the answer to that question is dirty as well.

Gena's question:As you may know, I am all about "Serene Moments", so what is your "Serene Moment"?
Gena is scaring me. Serene moments are when I'm with my massage therapist. Seriously, her name is Serene.

Noelle's question: If you could go to heaven who would you see, and why?
Doesn't Noelle know we're all going to go to heaven?

Vickie's question: Who is your favorite actor?

Mmmmm.... There's a whole lisit of my favorite hottie actors that I don't want to be ousting and entering them here.

Kelly's question: What was your favorite subject in school?
Definitely not PE. And is this elementary school? High school? College? My guess is the answer revolves around computers

Mommy Nintendo's: What do you want to be when you grow up? Or if you've already achieved that goal, what was it?
I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R Us Kid.... But if I DID have to grow up, I'd like to work for a network that makes cartoons. I'm told I do an AWESOME Scooby Laugh!.

My Question: Who is your hero?
Didn't Bette Midler, Enrique Iglasias, and some other chick do songs about Heros? Oh, and let's not forget the TV show.

Okay, I am tagging: Fran and Salon Chick

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Seriously -- a saw!

Yesterday, I went to my hot lesbian dentist to get more IPR done for my straightening.

As I went to the back, I said "I have one request: I need a picture of this saw because people don't believe me."

So, here it is:

It really is as scary as it looks! The blade is probably the diameter of a quarter, maybe a bit smaller. It's very very thin, though.

They had three places they needed to do for me. And, let me tell you, it wasn't pleasant. Did I mention they don't numb you for this?

So, she's trying to get this saw in my mouth and she's like "be VERY still!"

Really? Very still... I have a SAW BLADE in my mouth... any thoughts of me moving end with me being decapitated. I've seen scary movies.

So, she's trying to work it, but apparently a couple of my teeth are very tight together. So, instead of using that, she brought out some metal sandpaper.

SANDPAPER! I didn't get a picture of this one because I was wanting it to be over. Of course, the sandpaper in my mouth wasn't very pleasant. Especially around the gums.

After about 20 mins or so, it was over. I was relieved. And saw a splotch of blood on the bib. I was like "I thought you said you weren't intentionally hurting me? Blood means intentional! ;-)" (Yes, I said "winking smiley-face")

I left the office with trays 4-10. Which means I don't have to see her until September 30th (unless I have a cleaning with her before then. I don't recall when that is). But, right now, my teeths are aching some...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Tray 3

Ok, so my last few posts have been about my Invisaligns. I haven't done anything of any significance the past few weeks (Ok, I have, but I haven't gotten around to filling anyone in 'cuz the projects aren't done), so I'm waiting.

Anyways, I got tray three yesterday. And BUTTONS!

Yeap. In the original videos, you see the red things. They're little pieces of (white) filling material bonded to my teeths. That was an adventure. First I had tray 3 put in. that was a LOT of difficulty. Then, took them out and put the filling material in the button spaces in tray 3 and solidified it in place. The fun part was "Ok, take them out".

Didn't happen. It took a LOT of work to get those trays out. But the buttons were filed down a tad to make it a tad easier. Still not fun. It makes a huge KLUNK when I take them out, though.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Tray 2 is worse than Tray 1

And I'm not talking loading printer trays.

Two weeks ago I got Tray 1 of my Invisaligns. Today I put in Tray 2. I don't remember Tray 1 feeling this tight and painful. Either that or it was and I just managed to totally forget about it.

Advil is my friend today.

Monday, May 18, 2009

I love being insane!

So, I sent the following email to a bunch of friends:
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina One dog chow for Bradley, at Wal-Mart and was standing in line about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was 'where is your sign, lady', but decided to go with it...So...On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina weight loss diet again.

I said I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete... so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, to say the least.

Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

WAL-MART asked me not to shop there anymore.
Hilarious, eh?

I love the responses I got from my friends -- about me being too hysterical or how much they wish they could have been there to see it. One even said I was their hero because I got kicked out of WalMart (wouldn't be the first time).

The sad part is that story, alas, is not mine. But, apparently I'm insane enough that it really could have been me. And, who knows -- maybe I'll get the opportunity to do it one day!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Swine Flu

So, I've started up my coughing again.

That "I feel like there's something in the back of my throat when I try to breathe, so I end up doing a pretty big cough" kinda cough.

It's a throat cough, not a chest cough. But it's a cough.

But, I'm doing the coughing. The coworker of mine who sits in the next cube over (I swear I need to get nicknames for these peeps) keeps saying "Bless You."

So, I finally responded -- "Thanks. I think I have Swine Flu -- and I've had Swine Flu since before it was cool to have Swine Flu!"

Friday, May 8, 2009

A Blog o' Tweets!

I felt unmotivated to do any real posting today, but I had some great Twitter Updates that I figured I'd share. In order of earliest to latest, and not in the Twitter Timeline order. - I've been Rick-Rolled!
@Fran429 Yes 'cuz the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog!
YES! Keyboard Cat plays off this week's News of the Absurd podcast!
#FollowFriday @nerdist @newsoftheabsurd @chickenpoppod
@PinkPrincessRun Gee... now I have that song stuck in my head... and I haven't seen that video in forever... time to find it...
aahh.. yes... here we go! -- 303,000 text messages in a month? DAYUMN! Does that girl sleep? -- OMG, I love The Onion!
Um....yeah. this. IT IS REAL. (via @nerdest via @paulscheer)
Ok, it's 4pm and I JUST realized my underwear is on inside-out.

'Nuff said!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

From the desk of "This can't REALLY happen, can it?"

So, I work in Downtown Atlanta. Our director decided he wanted to do something special for some award winners we have in our department. A cupcake cake in the shape of a star was ordered.

I took one look at the cake and said "I have to go back and get my phone. People won't believe me without a picture."

After I took a picture, someone else commented, "That must have came from MLK or somewhere else in the ghetto."

It tasted good, though (well, as good as overwhipped sugary whipped topping can be).


So, I just had to print out an org chart for Ops and Strategy. So I start singing "Ops and Strategy... Ops and Strategy... Ops and Strategy... Strategy and Ops..." (like the "Milk and Cereal" song)

I don't think he got it.

Last night was Cinco de Mayo. We went out to Los Bravos for dinner. Some white chick was the live band. I found that weird. Then she started singing covers of Joan Jett (I Love Rock and Roll), Carrie Underwood (Before He Cheats), and Gretchen Wilson (I'm Here For The Party).

She was horrible. Besides, who invites WHITE PEOPLE to sing for CINCO DE MAYO?

My tummy's been off for some unknown reason. I doubt it's swine flu.

Someone finally noticed the fact I dyed my hair. Took 'til Wednesday. Crazy people I work with... don't notice things and have never seen The Never Ending Story.

I didn't sleep well last night. I'm unmotivated today. And I probably won't finish working until after 9pm due to a 9pm deadline on turning things into us.

I think I'm done rambling.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Sink o' Mayo!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

The day where everyone pretends to be a Mexican by drinking cervezas and partying it up. (Yet they don't do lawn work?)

Every Cinco de Mayo in the past few years, I'm reminded of a celebration we did.

Back when I was working at The Suffix, I was a member of the "Fun Team." We organized cheap fun events throughout the year to break up the mundane existence around the office. Sure we didn't want to see our fellow coworkers more than we had to, but getting a break every now and then was awesome.

Anyway, we held this Cinco de Mayo potluck lunch in the office. It was a blast! We had a (virgin) margarita machine, piƱata, and games. Of course, the game I was all about I had heard on the radio a year before: Sink o' Mayo!

On the radio, they had this giant sink filled with mayonaise and prizes (well, not the prize itself, but a card saying what they won). So I took a page out of their book and put prize cards in ziplock bags and dumped a couple Costco-sized containers of mayonaise over them.

The look on my coworkers faces was priceless.

Of course, everyone was afraid to even stick their hand in this gooey goopy gunk. It's not like there's a restroom nearby where they can wash their hands. Wimps, I tell ya!

Then we had one person go for the gusto! She reached her whole hand down in the mayo-filled bucket, slopped it around, pulled out a number of ziplock bags, put them back in, and got into it deep!

The smell was starting to get to me. I didn't realize how bad mayo smelled until you have it sloshing around big time with you.

Anyways, after about 2 minutes of just sloshing around the mayo, she pulled out a prize ticket and actually won the grand prize!

She went and cleaned off her hands and came back raving at how soft her hands were after her mayo manicure. She smelled like a rancid salad, but her hands were nice and soft.

Sometimes I miss those days, but it seems all the hilariously fun people have left The Suffix, either willingly or unwillingly. But, it also gives an opportunity for me to attempt to bring things like that to The Company!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

How to glue your ass together

So, back in October, I read this article. It intrigued me. Made me wonder "Hrmm.. is it really that awesome?"

Then, of course, sometime in the past, I read that Wax is NOT your friend. Honestly, I almost peed my pants reading that. I know it's not an everyday occurrence, but still.

But, the article still made me want to try it. At least once.

I had even asked my salon friend if she knew of anyone who did it for guys (since not every waxing place wants to see my ding-a-ling). She suggested Waxing by Andreia. I called and found it was $55 for guys. I seriously pondered, but never saved the cash.

My really awesome boyfriend has been known to partake in this waxing ordeal in the past. He looks HAWT all smooth. So he bought some wax and we tried it on me.

After dinner, we got home and started the wax melting in the pot. Good heavens that took a long time! Anyways, when it got close, I hopped in the shower to make sure I was all clean.

Then he asked me to hop on all fours. Not particularly the most comfortable position on the floor. My poor knees. Anyways, I did and he sprayed something on my hind region. Then he powdered up my bum. Finally, he got a gob of wax and spread it on an area.

It was warm. I'll let you know that. But not painful warm. Kinda like you first sitting in a steaming hot bath. But I got used to it. The wax hardened... Then he told me to breathe and brace myself.


It wasn't THAT bad. Kinda like a bandage being pulled off. I felt behind me and it was quite smooth. I saw the wax piece (which was about the size of a Chick-Fil-A Nugget Sauce Container) and it had hairs in it pulled out by the roots!

"This isn't going to be horrible", I thought to myself. So we went for a few more areas.

Not too bad.

Then a piece of wax didn't quite stay in one piece as it was ripped off. That hurt. It took a couple more grips before he was able to pull it off. I ended up leaning forward to the point where my bum relaxed back together.

Except I had forgotten that there was another bit of wax there. That was still soft.

So, it glued my buttcheeks together. Not exactly a pleasant feeling. Not one I could describe, either. But, my buttcheeks were worse than superglued together. I start laughing harder because I'm remembering the wax is NOT your friend story (see above). I couldn't help it.

So, here I am with my buttcheeks glued together and I need to reassume the position so I can get it removed. After a couple tugs, it came out. I now had freedom to poop again!

Things weren't really bad until we got to my ball sack. Now, my balls can't decide if they want to hang low or high. But last night, they decided to be high. Probably because they knew what was coming. High balls meant the skin was shriveled some. Imagine that with wax and the pulling.... Yeah... it smarted!

Midnight comes and we got my butt crack to my left nut completed. Too tired to continue, we called it a night and vowed to finish the rest later. And, since it's not as bad as I thought it would be (and I'm ENJOYING the new smoothness), I'm looking forward to the finishing! :)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Cowabunga Dude!

So, ChickenPopPod happened to tweet this link today.

I got excited and disgusted at the same time. So, now, I'm torn.

I grew up watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They were AWESOME! And I was SO EXCITED when the movie came out! (and it was pretty cool that I lived one town over from Northampton, MA where the Turtles were created).

Anyways, the first movie was EXCELLENT for something that was from an Independent Company. Not a huge budget, but a lot of entertainment.

The second movie... well... Not as great as the first. Most sequels aren't.

The third... well... I don't even like to acknowledge that it exists (kinda like the Home Alone series)

was great! It went back to what made the Turtle franchise awesome! I was Shell Shocked afterwards. In fact, I went to see it TWICE in the theaters (that's unheard of from me with movie prices hitting $11, and you can now only use a college discount on THURSDAYS).

Now, the announcement of ANOTHER movie? And going back to this whole "Live Action" thing... If it was another animated, I'd be excited, especially if it was done in the same fashion as TMNT. But, my fear is it's going to be as bad as Turtles in Time. I guess only time will tell... Check back in 2011 for what I think of it. 'Cuz you know I'll HAVE to see it.