Wednesday, February 10, 2016

So, this conversation happened...

I sent the following pic to a friend with the subject line "No Winner":

A discussion went back and forth talking about the Gremlins universe.  The question came up of "If Gizmo ate after midnight, would he become evil?"

I proposed yes because it violated the three cardinal rules.

Then he came back with the following quote:

According to the novelization of the first film, the mogwai are a result of genetic manipulations by an alien scientist to create a creature that would evoke good-naturedness and goodwill amongst the galaxy. However a slight miscalculation caused all but 1 in 10,000 to be mischievous and/or evil and the transformation mogwai can go through being totally unintended. Only one in ten thousand are gentle, and as a result is hated by their brethren. Also, this previously mentioned mogwai is effectively immortal. As Gizmo is gentle, and has a long list of historical figures that have owned him, it is clear that he is this mogwai type. If this mogwai eats after midnight though, he will lose his longevity, becoming a typical gremlin. 

So, basically I was right.  But, I didn't leave it there.  I responded with, "That's not in my 'novelization'" and attached the following pics:

That prompted a question of "Are those photos on the internet or do you actually have those?"

To which I had to respond, "What kind of stupid question is that?  Of course I have them!"

I mean, seriously -- why would I reference that novelization if I didn't have it?  Much less show with pics! :D

Thursday, March 26, 2015

You must comply!

So, at work I got an email today about some compliance training I must take by today or they'll email my manager.

I was like "I don't remember getting a notice before I had this stuff due" until I sorted through my inbox and found it was initially sent Feb 24.  Oh well.

So, I did the online training thing.  It was a quintet of videos.  Considering the level of stupidness in them, I thought I'd share.

The first one was my favorite by far:

I think the last time I had that level of "OMG, that's just stupid" was when I was forced to watch "Freddy Got Fingered."

Then the training videos went on to a complete joke:

I love the Compliance Officer's look when she tells him to sit down and shut the door.  The only way it could have been better is if they gotten Mrs Davis from Big Bang Theory to be her:

The third video involves something my family has a lot of love for... a bathroom!

I'm thinking it started to get a little more disturbed than the video intended (I think contractor wanted more than her bathroom).

Then, we went on to a crazy lady:

My issue with that video isn't that she took another job that could be conflicting her interest, rather the fact she's not doing her regular job.  Granted, that could be where the conflict stems, but it just didn't catch me.

Finally, we go to a coffee shop:

Yep... apparently stealing money is a conflict of interest.  I thought it was just theft :)

So, now that y'all have seen the videos, you're as compliant as I am with conflicts of interest... Now, where's my unicorn fur gloves?

Thursday, August 28, 2014

I went and got a new phone!

So, I *heart* T-Mobile.  They have the most awesome prices and their coverage where I live is great! (we won't discuss if I want to visit a friend at the edge of coverage in Enfield, CT... or if I go to the Berkshires... but, seriously, how often is that, and if I'm in either of those places, I don't even care about my phone!).  Anyways, I got an email about getting a Samsung Galaxy Light for $48.  Yes... $48!  Not only that, but they would let me put it on their EIP program and it wouldn't cost me $48 up front.  Nooo... It would cost me sales tax up front and $2/mo for $48 months.  I can probably find more than that if I actually decided to roll and cash in the spare change collection I have all over my house.

Anyways, I go in the T-Mobile store by me.  I'm in a good mood because I'm going to be leaving with a new device (I'm optimistic!).  The manager was helping someone (I think she was a lesbian and she definitely looked like she could beat me up... But, I love lesbians, so I digress), and this mom and daughter arrived at the same time as me, and since I was polite and held the door for them.

The lesbian-like-person the manager was helping was eventually pushed off to some other T-Mobile employee who walked in (I'm guessing he was on his break when the lesbian-like-person came in?) -- I heard the manager talking her into a Galaxy S4.  Once she was pawned off to be rung up, the manager asked if the three off us were together.  I said "Nope, but they were here just before me."

The T-Mobile folks were totally friendly while I was waiting...  I was being offered a seat on the most uncomfortable looking "couch" I've ever seen.  I declined it and instead was eyeing some accessories after I saw I could EIP that as well.

The problem the girls in front of me were having was the child had gotten a warranty replacement, but it stopped working.  Manager said it was because who they bought it from stopped paying, so it got blocked.  It took a few minutes before the explanation of "this device came from T-Mobile" got through.  I found it odd that it would happen, but no company is perfect.  I guess the manager called the special Bat Hotline and got the phone unblocked through the magical elves on the other end of the line.  (Oh gee... now I'm imagining the T-Mobile Elf... I so want to elf-nap him... hold on a minute while I remember...

...ok, fantasy over)

Then it came to be my turn!

I handed Barbee (the manager) the print out of the email offer I got and said "I'd like this!"  She said that she was selling her last one at that very moment.  I looked at her and said "I'm in front of you, so I'm the only one you're talking to at this moment, so it's me, right?"

She said "No" as she pointed to the lesbian-like-person she was helping as I walked in the door.

I pointed myself to the lesbian-like-person and said "CURSE YOU!" in a highly cheerful and facetious tone as I shook my fist.  She giggled.  I was glad because I did not want to be mauled to pieces.

I asked Barbee if she could call Cumberland to see if they have any.  She paused and said "wait a minute, let me see if there's any in the shipment that came in" and walked into that magical back room that I'm picturing is something like Scrooge McDuck's vault, except instead of a swimming pool of gold, it's a swimming pool of cell phones.

She returns with one in hand and says that there was ONE in the shipment the got.

I don't know if I trust that statement, but I got my phone, so I don't care!

So, I was talking and said "hey... since you have it, I also saw a sign over there that says you'll EIP accessories of a certain price point.  I'm interested in that thing over there that I'm pointing to, but is behind that display, but I know I'm pointing right at it.  You know which one I'm talking about, right?"

She said "Of course.  The LG Tone, right?"

(mind you, I never got close enough to it to even hint at it if she was watching me earlier)

"Of course!", I replied.

She went to the back to see if they had any untouched ones back there (the one on display apparently had been fondled and tugged by kids since it was on the bottom shelf).  She brought out one and said "I only have this white one from the back... the one out here is black."

I said "I prefer the black one... and the one in your hand prefers to be called 'caucasian'" :)

She almost wet herself laughing at that point.  (Barbee's not white)

As we're ringing things up, she asks me if I tell her I want it all on EIP.

She gets the Tone on there, but tries to tell me the phone won't go on EIP.

I said "The email says 24 payments of $2, That's EIP!"

She looked back at the computer and said "oh, so it is on EIP.  Usually under fifty bucks can't go on EIP.  I guess they changed it for the promo."

Then she asks if I want JUMP.

I said "It's a $48 dollar phone.  I am not paying however much a month for insurance / upgradeability on a phone that's going to be my backup phone.  If it breaks, big whoop."

She pressures again offering a $10 credit on my bill.

(Yes, I know they get points or something for signing up for JUMP, but I seriously don't want that hassle.  I LOVE helping people get things... I fill out the surveys from Chick-fil-A even though I don't cash in the free sandwich because I know number of replies impacts their employee discount.  But, at the same time, I'm not going to sign up for something to get someone bonus points if I have to remember to cancel it.)

She finally gets the total and says "Guess how much you have to pay today."

I said "Nothing?  Oh wait... sales tax... I guess whatever 6% of however much my grand total is!"

Wound up being $7.07.  I was like "I don't know if I can afford that... I mean, it's more than my EIP monthly payment!"

She then starts talking about it being a backup phone and asks if I have my primary device.  I pulled out my Nexus5.  She wants to put the SIM in the GLight.  I was like "Can't I just bring it home?  Oh wait, you need to make sure it works before I leave the store.  Gotcha!"

I don't have my SIM Ejector Tool.

She pulls out a (kinda large) paper clip.  It's too big.

She then asks dude if he has the SIM Ejector Tool.

She goes to his desk and comes back with some Ejector Tool with a "G" on the holder-part.  It's too big.  Just barely.

She finds a smaller paper clip and we manage to get my SIM out.  She pops it into the GLight and turns it on.

She apparently skips allowing me to log into my Google account for some reason.  That irked me.  (I like doing it from the start for OCD purposes... which means I had to factory reset when I got home... but I digress).  While she's trying to get everything past so she can do the test call, an incoming call comes in.  She points the phone towards me and asks if I need to take it.

I stare and realize it's my sister's phone number -- soley based on the area code (I would have totally known had my Google Account been sync'd... grrr :)).  I answer it and tell my sister I'll call her right back and explain what's going on.  She does the test call, then asks if I want to put the SIM back in my N5.  I said "nnaa... let me play with the GLight for a bit."

She asks if I need help pairing my new Bluetooth.  I said "nnaa...  I'll figure it out... I may not be good at following directions, but I am good at reading them!"

So, yeah -- I have a new backup phone (previously it was my Nokia 3585... I think that will now be my backup-backup phone)... and a new Bluetooth headset.  All for like a $4.91/mo increase in my phone bill.  It's almost like Christmas!  Ok, I'm back on that Elf again... seriously, if anyone can just send him my way....

Monday, December 16, 2013

You're impeding the progress of a minority!

So, I have two tickets for report changes for the peeps I like to support and everyone else hates because "they're too demanding."

Ok, had two tickets.  I sent one over to the Admin team because the "simplest" fix to that report is for the data to get fixed (an elimination didn't eliminate it to 0, rather to -1)

Anyways, I have a report fix for that in case the Admin team can't do their job, and I also have a set of reports for the other ticket I'd like to do.

Except, I can't do anything.

We're required to do our development in DEV now.  Except, DEV has no data for the application these reports point to.  And when I mean no data, the database file size is 0.  For some reason those idiots in Technical cleared the application.

So, I made the changes in DEV and was like "I'll test it in UAT!" -- So, I imported the reports into UAT.  Nope.  There's something going on with UAT that the reports will not run.

I've sent a number of emails to Technical saying "hey, you're preventing me from working" (I want to put "you're impeding the progress of a minority!", but they may get too confused).

I'm about ready to be like this:

Friday, November 15, 2013

These are not the droids you are looking for

So, I'm working from home yesterday.

I'm grooving through, being lazy an doing nothing getting things done, then all of a sudden, there's a knock-knock-knock at my door.

Now, the last time there was a knock at my door, it was Trick or Treaters.  Apparently this time it was just a Trick.

I open the door hoping it's the hot pest control guy, only to find this gentleman wearing yellow jeans (seriously? I know I know nothing about fashion, but REALLY?  Yellow jeans?  I don't understand).

"Are you expecting me?" he asks.

I give him a look of "I need more clarification as to what you're talking about, Willis."

He adds, "I'm Chris...?"

I look at him a little further and realize he's a homosexical.  DEFINITELY not my type.  And I responded "Oh!  I think you're looking for next door!" (ya know.. my gaybors)

It's not the first time something like this has happened.  I've had one other knock related to a trick my gaybor set up a few years ago, coincidentally on another work from home day (what's up with people not reading addresses?  Or, at least CALL the person you're expecting to meet to make sure you got the right house?).  Then there's the story of someone who accidentally went to the gaysian's house [opposite side of the gaybor], nobody was home, and went the wrong direction to walk in on a neighbor laying on the floor with his infant son.  (That one, apparently the cops got called and that)

To make things funnier, since it was my work from home, I hadn't showered yet, so I was all funky and hair all over.  The only thing I could imagine going through the poor trick's head was "he SO doesn't look like his pic!"

Friday, November 1, 2013

It's the Great Pumpkin!

First, this year was my very first year putting up a Halloween decoration!  It surprises a bunch of people because... well...  I'm a big kid at heart.  Behold my decoration:

Pretty cool, right?  Well, it actually gets better, believe it or not.  I did NOT know this happens, but that night I came home and saw:

I was all "OMG, that's awesome!"

So, I did all the decorationing and it was pretty cool.  And we had our neighborhood Halloween event.  I did a bit of dressing up:

Pretty fun, eh?  Too bad they didn't have a costume contest category for my age...  ah well :)

Last night was Tricks or Treats.  That was an adventure.  I made little goodie bags for the beggars trick or treaters.  I figured that was a little better than the "random grabbing of candy" that never got mixed up well in my buckets.  They got Smarties, Reese's Cups, Butterfingers, and Paydays.  Pretty good haul, eh?  Well, unless you have a peanut allergy.

I had some pretty good kids come by.  My favorite thing to do is just stare at them until they say "Trick or Treat".  It confuses them at first, but, gotta teach them young that they gotta do things right!

At about 9:00, the rest of the lights in my field of view had turned off, so I turned my porch light off and went upstairs to find something.  At 9:05, there came a tapping at my door.  Not this kind of awesome tapping, but still.  So, I went downstairs and opened the door.

I heard the infamous "Trick or treat!!" greeting.

I asked "Why did you knock instead of ringing the doorbell?" of the COSTUMELESS kids that were at my door.

"We couldn't find the doorbell button," was their reply.

"Aahh...  That's right... Things are easier to see when a porch light is on.  This one is off.  That explains why the doorbell wasn't rung, but isn't an off light the international sign that there's no trick or treat at this location?"

The kids all started apologizing, and I sent them on their merry way.

I did have PLENTY of leftover candy I would have given them if they were in costume (I'm not THAT evil), but at that point, they were like drug addicts -- going around begging for their sugar fix :D

Next year, I think I'm going to do two goodie bags -- one similar to this years for the kids in costume, and one with things like raisins and dental floss for the kids out of costume!

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Weird conversation with my boss

I thought I'd share a conversation I had with my boss while at work today.

Yes, today is Sunday and I'm at work.

No, I don't like it either

[13:51] are you just making up things for Idiot Consultant to do now?
[13:51] what did I make up this time?  (and probably)
[13:51] something about non issues in task force log..
[13:52] I never mentioned the log -- he must have taken it upon himself to look at what's in the log
[13:53] that's what he did
[13:53] where teh DEC 2001 aren't filtered correctly for some reason
[13:53] then I put a couple of the formatting things, and even put "The Company" next tot hem
[13:53] tot hem?
[13:53] and I put my comment about the refresh button gone
[13:53] next to them
[13:54] my fingers get out of sync sometimes
[13:54] it's a problem when you can type >100wpm
[13:54] I write monkey talk but I cant read it
[13:54] that almost made milkshake come out of my nose.  And I know for a fact that kind of milkshake don't bring the boys to the yard
[13:54] i just blow pepsi out by nose
[13:55] blew