SURPRISE!

Dear Internets,

I know it's been a while since I've posted. Mostly because I haven't had a lot to post about. Until now.

You see, I'm famous for my surprises. It's happened more than once.

Anyways, Mother was having minor surgery* today. I decided that I wanted a break from work, so I thought, "Self, why don't you surprise her and show up when she's waking up from the surgery?"

Knowing I'd need an insider, I IM'd Sis and said "I think I'm gonna come up and surprise Mother!" The idea was she and I would wear the same shirt. As she's dropping Mother off, she would say "Like my shirt? Smply got it for me for my birthday. And when Mother was waking up, I'd go in and when she asked what I'm doing here, I'd say "Don't you remember? I brought you here? I even showed you the shirt Sis got me for Christmas!"

She and I worked out details. I flew into Boston yesterday and stayed with friends in NH (per usual, only this time we didn't have lobstah. Still a bit sad about that, but I'll survive).

Anyways, I headed out to Western Mass this morning sporting my shirt. and arrived at the hospital fairly close to noon. I gave Sis a hug and REALLY HAD TO PEE!

We're sitting in the waiting room waiting for the magic screen to change colors as Mother went through the various stages of surgery. Then her doctor comes out and says "She's done" -- we were like "but.. the colors didn't change!"

I go back there and turn the corner and Mother says "What the f--k are you doing here?" Amazing! She recognized me without glasses!

She was all excited and happy to see me. I really made her day. Put a smile on my face.

We're talking and stuff as she's waiting to be let go and she said she had a dream last night that I showed up. (Last night, I even talked to her and I told her she may have hallucinations as she's waking up from the anesthesia, and she was like "I better not see you!"

I giggled.

While at the hospital, we decided on how to surprise Nan. Initially, I wanted to have Mother go upstairs and say "Guess who picked me up from the hospital." But that kinda would give something away. So, instead we decide on "You'll never believe who I saw at the hospital."

So, Mother gets discharged about 2ish. We head home, and get Mother in Sis's place. My cousin is heading downstairs for a smoke, and I'm motioning for him to not say a word. Mother pees and then we head upstairs to see Nan, with me sneaking in tow.

Mother goes in and Nan's like "How are you feeling?" (all while she's on the phone with my aunt) and Mother says, "You'll never believe who I saw at the hospital."

Nan is like, "Ray?" (whoever that is)

I poke my head in the door and quietly say "Surprise" as to not give her a heart attack.

She doesn't hear me.

"Surprise!", I proclaim a little louder.

The third time I say Surprise, Mother points at me. Nan's like "OOOHH!!! What are you doing here?"

The nieces were pretty funny. I came back downstairs and the eldest was in the living room as I poked my head in. Her eyes went HUGE and said "What are you doing here?"

The younger was HILARIOUS. She was at gymnastics, so Sis went to go pick her up. she came running in and turned the corner in the living room and was asking (who she presumed was her dad) where the eldest was. Then her eyes went gigantic and said, "WOAH!"

So, that's my latest story, Internets. It's been pretty fun so far (except it's warm up here and people don't believe in air conditioners. I don't quite understand that). I have other news related to work I'll post later. I don't want to bog down my fun surprise with boring work stuffs.

Love y'all!

P.S. You should call me using the link to the right and say how much fun you thought the surprise was!

*The minor surgery was she had to have growths removed from her areas.

Things your mother doesn't want to hear

So, I just got a call from Mother. She was telling me about all her tests she had done and that she should know this week possibly when she can come visit.

Anyways, somehow she got on the conversation and she said that she was going to get in her jammies. I told her I sleep in less than jammies, so when the ghost bothers her when she's here, knock first before she comes bug me in my room.

She replied "It's not something I've never seen before."

I come back with "Oh, there's things you've never seen."

She thought about it for a minute. Then was like "Ok, I DON'T want to know!"

:)

Who the Internets thinks I am

So, on my facebook page, I started the discussion about the 2010 Census and something came out on Internet searches in "public databases."

The site brought up is Spokeo.

The example link provided against someone looked a little uncanny, so I decided to search for myself.

This is what it thinks I am:
Ok, early 30's, check.
Caucasian, check.
Single, check
Reading? Seriously?
Gemini? Um... NO!
Children? Ok, they get that one as a TECHNICALITY
And I like to think my neighborhood is Above Average!

But, that's not all that's on the page:
Again, loves reading? Seriously? Do they think I'm my sister?
Healthy Living? They obvi don't go through my trash!
Subscribes to magazines? No I don't. The one magazine I get, I don't know how I'm getting it and how to stop it!
Donates to causes? Ok, only aminals!
And, really, I'm not interested in politics.

But wait, there's more!
There's that technicality of children again.
It thinks I don't have central air or heat? In this state? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
And seriously? Home value? I WISH! Can a home be valued that much without central? In this state, that is -- obvi Massachusetts would be different.

I went further. I searched my sister under her maiden and married names. Her married name has next to nothing, but her maiden name has a bit more. And her husband looked pretty uncanny with all his interests.

Alas, it didn't have my grandmother, and she's been in that house for like 85 years.

Guess we can't truly trust everything on the Internets!

Who will I piss off first?

Today has been a fun day for me. I have no idea why, but I'm in an especially silly mood.

It started early this morning. One of our IT peeps called me and I wasn't particularly thrilled to talk to anyone. So I answered in my "blah, I'm not awake yet and haven't had my Jesus Chicken Sweet Tea" voice. She said "I wasn't expecting that.." so I did my "OMG, I'm way too hyper and excited to see you so much I might just pee on the carpet" voice.

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Then, I went to the food court mid morning to get my Jesus Chicken Sweet Tea refill (One's not enough, but I don't drink a full two usually) and the person behind the counter (we'll call her "Kenya") said "With a splash of regular or diet lemonade?"

I looked at her funny and said "absolutely NO lemon!"

She said "I thought you..." and another Jesus Chicken worker said "You have him confused with someone else."

That's when I piped in with "Are you trying to say all white people look alike?"

Needless to say I made another black person blush! :)

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Finally, where I work, they give tours. Tour guides take groups around and show them a few of the cool sites to see here. One of the stops they make is on the way to the food court for me, and they congregate in the predetermined area and the guide starts talking about division that's on the other side of a wall (with said division's name implanted in giant letters on said wall). Anyways, as I walked by, I heard him say those magical words, so I stopped and did my best Barker's Beauty impression to show off the sign. A couple tourists (I wanted to say tourees until I axed someone else what the term should be) started laughing as the guide happened to turn around and see me doing my impression. He laughed.

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So, I'm having like WAY too much fun today. I feel almost cabin feverish, but I've been getting out the past few days that it's been beautiful out. Maybe my window view is starting to get to me knowing how beautiful it is outside and I can't be out there.

On another note, it's taking WAY too long for these sacrificial fishies to poop and die!

I love my friends!

Conversation I had with a friend of mine this morning:

[09:59] <me>
http://rodents.dyndns.org/Gallery/index.php?gallery=Poor%20Unfortunate%20Souls
[10:27] <friend> weird! is that your tank?
[10:27] <friend> what do you have in there?
[10:27] <friend> cool blue color!
[10:27] <friend> here fishy fishy fishy HERE FISHY FISHY FISHY
[10:27] <me> sacrificial goldfish
[10:27] <me> ok, Ernie
[10:27] <friend> hahahha
[10:28] <friend> good boy Smply! nice getting the reference!
[10:28] <friend> lol
[10:28] <friend> yet another thing I love about you!
[10:28] <me> *wags tail*

I love how I get my friends -- unlike the fact all but TWO of my coworkers get the following image, which I have on a shirt:

I almost died on the table today

WARNING! DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, EMBARRASS EASILY, OR WANT TO KEEP YOUR ALLUSION THAT I'M INNOCENT! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

So, I was visiting with my Hot Massage Therapist today.

When we're together, we have some odd conversations. But today I think we took the cake.

We were talking about random things from boys to work to whatever. Then she starts talking about how she's a flirt. But not an "ordinary" flirt, but she gets a bit "suggestive" in her text message flirting.

I asked, "You mean you say things like 'I want to suck your cock'?"

She said, "No, a little more suggestive than that."

So, I go "Like 'I want you to eat my pussy until I squirt all over your face'?"

That's when we both lost it. I started giggling, she started laughing, then we both started laughing hard. Laughing so hard, I turned quite red, couldn't breathe, then literally was crying. All while still on the massage table. So, it made it harder to breathe and catch my breath.

She then goes, "I don't think I could type that on my phone."

I lose it again. I can't breathe I'm laughing so hard. In fact, I almost fell off the table.

I finally made us change the subject so we can catch our breath. In all, it was an awesome laugh. Best I've had in a while.

When my session was over, I tried to compose myself and got dressed.

As I left, I said, "You know what my sister's nickname was while we were growing up?"

"What?"

"Squirt!"

That started us again.

On the way home, I txt'd her:

Now, just copy and paste:
I want you to eat my pussy until I squirt all over your face!

Apparently I'm a mess!

(This doesn't include the other off conversation about her hot client after me)

Now they're just making things up!

I was listening to the radio this morning on my way to get Jesus Chicken for breakfast.

A Kaiser-Permanente commercial came on the air. And, I swear they're making things up!

Now, let's rewind a large number of years. When I lived in MA, there was a HMO company called Harvard Pilgrim Healthcare (It's still there, but the "was" references back when I lived there). They had some pretty cool ad campaigns where they listed various medical professions. My favoritest was when a little tiny girl says "otolaryngologist."

Back to the present, Kaiser is doing similar commercials. Except they're making up things! They're trying to basically say that their doctors have "explicit specialties" that are supposed to give more specialized care to some of your ailments.

Now, I'm not an expert on medical professions in ANY way shape or form (with the exception that I've heard of a few of the specialties, and know approximately what they deal with), but I really think they're making things up!

Case in point, the commercial mentions a "dermatopulmunohematologist." Breaking it down, "dermato" is skin-related ("dermatologist"), pulmuno is lung related ("pulmunologist), and hemato is associated with blood. Exactly what disorder combines those three? (Where's Dr. House when you need him?)