How to glue your ass together

So, back in October, I read this article. It intrigued me. Made me wonder "Hrmm.. is it really that awesome?"

Then, of course, sometime in the past, I read that Wax is NOT your friend. Honestly, I almost peed my pants reading that. I know it's not an everyday occurrence, but still.

But, the article still made me want to try it. At least once.

I had even asked my salon friend if she knew of anyone who did it for guys (since not every waxing place wants to see my ding-a-ling). She suggested Waxing by Andreia. I called and found it was $55 for guys. I seriously pondered, but never saved the cash.

My really awesome boyfriend has been known to partake in this waxing ordeal in the past. He looks HAWT all smooth. So he bought some wax and we tried it on me.

After dinner, we got home and started the wax melting in the pot. Good heavens that took a long time! Anyways, when it got close, I hopped in the shower to make sure I was all clean.

Then he asked me to hop on all fours. Not particularly the most comfortable position on the floor. My poor knees. Anyways, I did and he sprayed something on my hind region. Then he powdered up my bum. Finally, he got a gob of wax and spread it on an area.

It was warm. I'll let you know that. But not painful warm. Kinda like you first sitting in a steaming hot bath. But I got used to it. The wax hardened... Then he told me to breathe and brace myself.

*RIP*

It wasn't THAT bad. Kinda like a bandage being pulled off. I felt behind me and it was quite smooth. I saw the wax piece (which was about the size of a Chick-Fil-A Nugget Sauce Container) and it had hairs in it pulled out by the roots!

"This isn't going to be horrible", I thought to myself. So we went for a few more areas.

Not too bad.

Then a piece of wax didn't quite stay in one piece as it was ripped off. That hurt. It took a couple more grips before he was able to pull it off. I ended up leaning forward to the point where my bum relaxed back together.

Except I had forgotten that there was another bit of wax there. That was still soft.

So, it glued my buttcheeks together. Not exactly a pleasant feeling. Not one I could describe, either. But, my buttcheeks were worse than superglued together. I start laughing harder because I'm remembering the wax is NOT your friend story (see above). I couldn't help it.

So, here I am with my buttcheeks glued together and I need to reassume the position so I can get it removed. After a couple tugs, it came out. I now had freedom to poop again!

Things weren't really bad until we got to my ball sack. Now, my balls can't decide if they want to hang low or high. But last night, they decided to be high. Probably because they knew what was coming. High balls meant the skin was shriveled some. Imagine that with wax and the pulling.... Yeah... it smarted!

Midnight comes and we got my butt crack to my left nut completed. Too tired to continue, we called it a night and vowed to finish the rest later. And, since it's not as bad as I thought it would be (and I'm ENJOYING the new smoothness), I'm looking forward to the finishing! :)

Cowabunga Dude!

So, ChickenPopPod happened to tweet this link today.

I got excited and disgusted at the same time. So, now, I'm torn.

I grew up watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They were AWESOME! And I was SO EXCITED when the movie came out! (and it was pretty cool that I lived one town over from Northampton, MA where the Turtles were created).

Anyways, the first movie was EXCELLENT for something that was from an Independent Company. Not a huge budget, but a lot of entertainment.

The second movie... well... Not as great as the first. Most sequels aren't.

The third... well... I don't even like to acknowledge that it exists (kinda like the Home Alone series)

TMNT was great! It went back to what made the Turtle franchise awesome! I was Shell Shocked afterwards. In fact, I went to see it TWICE in the theaters (that's unheard of from me with movie prices hitting $11, and you can now only use a college discount on THURSDAYS).

Now, the announcement of ANOTHER movie? And going back to this whole "Live Action" thing... If it was another animated, I'd be excited, especially if it was done in the same fashion as TMNT. But, my fear is it's going to be as bad as Turtles in Time. I guess only time will tell... Check back in 2011 for what I think of it. 'Cuz you know I'll HAVE to see it.

I'm going straight!

Straight, not heterosexual, that is :)

I just got word that my Invisalign treatment videos are in. I figured I'd share them with y'all.

This is the front view of what my teeths are going to look like. Specifically look at the left side. It almost looks as if I was hit on that side with a frying pan to knock my teeths in that far. But they're coming out to normal. The spots on my teeth are where they're going to have to put "attachers." These will come out

For the top view, tooth #8 is my biggest complaint. It's like halfway over another tooth. Very difficult to keep clean.

And, finally for the bottom view. I have some serious crookedness going on there. That big major crookedness next to the incisors on the left has bugged me for years. And it's not particularly easy to floss that.

Plus, they're going to be doing some minor shaving of my teeths for spacing. Not sure how I feel about that (since I know it'll mean things like "Novocaine" that didn't work on my lower right side).

So, I should be all good. I've got 14 upper trays and 17 lower trays coming to me. That means I'm going to be in them for 34 weeks. That means by the New Year, I might have a much better smile!

I'm finding the craziest things

So, I've been spending the past week or so cleaning out one of the drives on my Linux box. I've found a lot of crap, a lot of porn, and a lot of weird things.

I've even found things back from my college days. Scary.

Anyways, I came across the following story from my Waffle House days. I remember this day vaguely (mostly because of the insomnia that occurred previously), but enjoyed the story.

Background to understand story:
- Cheshire Bridge Rd is the road that I work... I mean I work on. My Waffle House is at the corner of Cheshire Bridge and Alco (small side-street). On the other side of Alco is Opus1 (old decrepid gay men club), 24K Club (strip club), and 404 Motorsports (expensive auto detailing and custom anything). Being the locale of Midtown, of course, Waffle House is going to be full of homos, including those working. And now, for our story...

Picture it - Atlanta - 2002.

July 18th, even - 9:45pm. On Cheshire Bridge Rd at the Waffle House. I'm groggy still from taking Tylenol PM (bad case of insomnia where I was up 75 hours) - I'm so groggy and out of it, I'm still kinda seeing spots and stuff. I'm waiting on my table in the corner and this guy is banging on the window and pointing towards Alco. I look, and don't see anything, and try to go back to what I was doing. I begin hearing an alarm and figure it's someone's car and the guy bangs on the window again, points at 404 and makes some weird motion, and thru the spots, I see a rim rolling by. I'm totally confused, the guy starts walking towards the front door and I put the pieces together - someone's robbing 404 Motorsports!

So I tell Izaak to call the cops since he's at the register (that and I'm still having no idea what's REALLY going on) - Izaak is handling money, so he hands the phone to Melinda to call 911. Melinda dials and everyone else in the restaurant starts dialing on their cell phones. Melinda is telling the poor 911 operator "There's a break-in at 404 and Chestire Bridge - they're stealing strippers from the 24K club" (and I'm the one drugged up). Izaak grabs the phone from her and is like "child - you got it all wrong - Hello? Yes, there's a break in across the street at 404 Motorsports on Cheshire Bridge across from the Waffle House.... Do we have a description? Uh... A couple guys with rimcaps in their van..... Tag number? Child, like we can see that far..... Oohh there was just an accident... They sped out and started heading down Cheshire towards I-85."

I swear, within 2 minutes, there were cops all over the place - yet when WH has problems and we call, it takes an hour or two. But, I digress. Customers are walking out tryin' to see what's going on. The cook goes out to get a piece of the action, thus leaving us without any way to deal with these scattered, smothered, covered hashbrowns. We're all confused, and the cops are piling up, strobes flashing everywhere not helping my seeing spots, Grady ambulance comes up (poor guy), and the fire truck. They clean up the accident and it takes about an hour and a half.

Now, I hear you saying to yourself - "Wasn't this supposed to be a stupid criminal story?" - well, above is the facts as witnessed by myself. Below are facts reported to me by the security officer they called in to take care of the place overnite.

Security guard comes in and orders food - "I wish I had been there, they wouldn't have gotten anything..." - Child, what would the security officer have done? Said "BOO!" - he don't carry a gun. If they wanted stuff still, they would have gotten it.

And, apparently they stole three mis-matched display rims. So we know who did it when you see a White Chevy Conversion Van driving around Atlanta with three mismatched 24" rims and one 19" regular wheel. That, and they left the $70,000 motorcycle in the window. PLEASE, child - if you're gonna have a heist, at least do it right!

I tell ya - that's all we ended up talking about that nite at WH - picking on those poor stupid criminals.

I'm unmotivated to post

As you can probably tell from the lack of postings lately.

I haven't had much to really post about. My life has been a little blah. And I refuse to try to be all poetry like Princess Sparklepants has been.

I've been doing computer-geeky things with my machines at home. And slowly starting to organize my files so I can find things (and in the process do a little cleanup of the files I don't need).

Then, I found the story of my 24th birthday. It was shortly after I moved to Georgia. And, quite possibly, the most f'd up day I had in quite some time!

I started reading it last night and giggled quite a bit. In short, I felt like Lucy Ricardo in that episode where she was finding her birth certificate.

Aahh - birthdays - the second best day of the year, correct? (Christmas being the best) - not for me. I probably would have had a better day playing in traffic on GA400 (Mass Pike? I-95?) during rush hour.

Let's see - where do I start. 9am, my phone rings - it's my grandmother wishing me a happy birthday (she calls my cell, but I don't complain because I don't expect to be on long because I told her I had things I needed to do) - I also get to talk to mother (ok, you can stop laughing now). I get off the phone with them about 9:20, and I hop in the shower, primp myself, gather my birth certificate and a bank statement and head up to the DMV (dramatic "DOM-DOM-DOMMMMM").

11:50am - I arrive at the DMV. I see the line is literally around the corner and out of sight - I'm like "I'm glad I made a reservation for noon" - I get in, they tell me to sit and they'll be with me momentarily. I'm like "kewlios" so I'm all happy.

12:05pm - it's now my turn. I'm like "Ok, I need to get my MA license transferred over to GA, I have my birth certificate and a bank statement, and even a utility bill in case you want that too. And here's my MA license, I think it's all in order." - she looks at my birth certificate and is like "what's this?"

"My birth certificate."

"I don't think we can accept this."

"Why not? It's a valid birth certificate with the raised seal and everything - albeit the seal isn't raised MUCH because it's so old"

"Um, it's not in English."

"Yes, it's in German. I was born on an American Air Force base in Germany to American parents."

"We need a Certificate of Birth Abroad"

"Here's a photocopy of it - I don't have the original - I've NO clue where that would be."

"We can't accept that."

"I've got a Social Security card too - I can't get that without being an American citizen. I've enough documentation here to prove without a shadow of a doubt I'm who I say I am and I was born when I say I was, and I can even give you the time on my Hospital Birth Report."

"Sorry."

"So, you're telling me I'm screwed?"

"Basically."

"So, what are my options?"

"Get an American birth certificate"

"Am I supposed to be born again? Can I just go down to the church across the street and become born again and get a birth certificate that way?"

- no comment -

"I mean, my mother is 1100 miles away (thank God) - and I don't think I can fit back in her to be born again - and if I did, the birth would be today so I wouldn't be old enough to drive for another 16 years - although I'd get to go back to school and I'd prolly be the smartest in my pre-school class, and I'd have nap time again, but I don't think I'd fit in the chairs."

"I'm sorry"

"I have a little blue card somewhere at home which I've been searching for since I moved here that is a notice of my birth that is from the Town (ok, now it's City) of Easthampton - where I was registered - if I can find that, can I use that?"

"Yes, but you won't be able to use this appointment."

"I'll worry about that later. Ya know that phrase 'Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it'? - well, it looks like I just got my wish to be fu*cked for my birthday."

Anyways, I'm PISSED as I walk out of there with the knowledge that I probably won't be able to drive after midnight because that little blue card is gone - vamoose - hasta-la-way-go-bye-bye probably in the move.

So, now you have a pissed off mole (POM for short) who has TOTAL road rage on GA400 trying to stay calm so I don't speed and get pulled over and have MORE problems.

Next stop - home - one hand I'm searching frantically thru the few boxes I didn't unpack - no avail - other hand, I'm dialing people trying to figure out all my options. First call: My grandmother in Easthampton, MA - asking if she can go to the Town.. err.. City Hall (I still can't get used to calling it a city) and get a copy of my record of birth mailed to me. I also explained her the situation up to this point. I got off the phone with her then called Dad and informed him that the state of Georgia is screwing me and it's all his fault (for having me OVERSEAS). I also inquire about his post-surgical health, and get off the phone with him to call the state of MASS to see if there's any "grace period" so I technically wouldn't have an "expired license."

Call MassRMV - one of the MOST HATED orgs in the state there. Explain the situation up to that point. The guy on the phone informed me that if I was MOVING to Mass, I could present any expired license up to 4 years old and Mass would give me a license, but he's not sure of GA's laws, and there is no grace period. Trying to get the info I WANT, I asked a few other questions, and discovered there is a form I could fill out explaining I'm traveling and couldn't get to MA to renew my license and allow me to renew it without penalty when I return to the state, but it doesn't serve as an extension to allow for another state. So first idea comes to mind: Fill this form out, SOMEHOW get to Mass, get a MA license renewed, return to GA with "American" birth certificate and trade in for GA license. Nope - nocando - no way to get to MA without valid ID and expired license isn't valid ID on aircraft. Strike 1.

I call the GA DMV and inform them of the situation. They tell me of a "translator service" that can translate my birth certificate. I'm like "THERE'S ENGLISH ALL OVER THIS CERTIFICATE I HAVE NOW" - but instead of fighting through this loop deal, I get the information.

I call these new people (Catholic something Services) - I explain the above to them (I can just HEAR people laughing each time I explain it because it sounds like something that only would happen on "I Love Lucy" *recalls the Passport episode where Lucy couldn't find a birth certificate*) - they told me it would cost $150 to get it done. I ask about expediting it so I could potentially get to the DMV today and get my life straightened out. He tells me $300 for "speedy delivery" and I wouldn't get it 'till 3 *IF* I faxed it to them before I headed that way. I was like "Okay - I'll fax it to you as soon as I can manage to get across the street" - I call the DMV and ask if I can use my reservation and she's like "No. You'll have to stand in line." - "Which is half a block around the corner," I pipe in.

My grandmother calls back and says she overnighted a copy of my birth certificate, but the post office said it probably won't get here for two days (so TECHNICALLY it was 2-day mail, not overnight, but I digress, this isn't a bitch session about the post office). Also, I get a phone call from a friend and I explain the situation and he's not sure what to do.

At this point, I know I can't get a license until a future date because you can't get appts the day before and I can't DRIVE up there with an expired license to get a Georgia License. In order to get a license now, I'm gonna need to take the written AND road test. No problem, I remember most of the rules of the road and - well - I've been driving for the past year and change constantly, so I should have no problems passing a road test. - I inform them that I have an out-of-state vehicle if that's fine for the road test. She said yes, as long as I have proof of insurance.

I'm like "oh crap" because I can't get proof of insurance because I was told by my insurance company in MA that since I'm moving, I'm not really covered anymore because they can't cover out of MA (um, what about roadtrips here? But I can't argue much because there's not much I can do there trying to explain why I need proof of insurance). So I call the GA tags (license plate) department (which is TOTALLY different from the DMV licensing people) - I tell her the situation and she makes my day even worse by telling me I can't get GA tags without a GA license (even tho I was told by someone earlier that I could do them in either order) - and I know I can't get GA tags without GA insurance. The logic for calling them was to inquire about the law to see if I could get insurance on a vehicle without a license. She said I'd hafta call an insurance agency.

Insurance - the biggest gamble of you're life - you pay tons of money basically betting that you won't get into an accident, the insurance company bets you will (or do I have that backwards?)- and either way YOU LOSE. I pick the most handy insurance agency in the list, and explain the situation and ask if I can have insurance on a vehicle without a valid license - he said I could open a policy, but the policy would be canceled once my MA license expired (essentially midnight) - no luck there. So, the situation is I have to take a road test to get a GA license - in order to take the road test, I need GA insurance. in order to get GA insurance, I need a license. In order to get a license..... well, you get the picture. I brainstormed a bit, and came up with my other two options.

Option 2: BEG someone to let you borrow their car for the road test who already has GA insurance and all that jazz - the pro is there's no big hassle with agencies, but the cons are I'm not comfortable in that vehicle and I would inconvenience them having to take me to get a licnese.

Option 3: Take a friend and go get insurance on my truck with him/her as the primary driver. Take the vehicle to the road test, take the road test, get the license, take him/her OFF my policy and add ME to the policy. This seems SHADY and will probably cause more headaches.

So, the current situation is as follows:
- I ACTUALLY MISS Mass for a change
- I'm ROYALLY PISSED OFF at Georgia
- The lady at the DMV best be GLAD I didn't have PMS going on
- I'm a year older and yet I can't drive again legally (funny, a similar situation happened when I moved to MA from SC, but I digress 'cuz it was totally different still)
- I have a birth certificate due here by Thursday, so if I can find a friend with a vehicle that is an automatic, I can theoretically take the tests this weekend and have a license by then... that is IF I can get an appointment.

So, next time you wish someone a happy birthday - make sure it's REALLY a happy day for them! :-D

For those of you who wonder the outcome of everything, my grandmother sent me my birth certificate through "regular mail" (not overnight) -- it arrived that Friday. I begged a friend of mine to take me to the license place and use his car. It was 9.5 hours at the license place. Apparently if your license is expired, you've forgotten how to drive, so you need to take both the written and the road test. The VERY first question on my written test was the child seatbelt law. I came close to turning around and saying "Excuse me, may I have another test, there won't be a child in my vehicle." Needless to say, I got it wrong. But, I took the driving test in my friend's Toyota Echo and parallel parked quite easily.

What have I done to prevent this from happening again? Well, I finally went to go get my passport, so I shouldn't have to prove I was born again. I also have the "Easthampton Birth Certificate" filed away in a safe place. The only thing to make it better is if I had an actual safe to keep everything in.

911, I have a complaint!

Today, I read what was probably the thirty-seventh article about a person dialing 911 because of a food complaint. Whether it be because Burger King is out of lemonade, or there's not enough shrimp in shrimp fried rice.

Seriously, what is wrong with these people?

Then it hit me! First, it was just stupid people -- they had a complaint, felt wronged, but didn't know enough to call the non-emergency number. With this shrimp problem, I think there's something different.

The article talks about a woman calling 911 because they wanted more shrimp. The angry customer left prior to officials arriving. Then a satisfied customer talks to news to say there's always a lot of shrimp. Could it be a ploy by the restaurant to get their name out in the community to get more business in a stalled economy?

Nnaa... that would be unethical!

Happy Birthday, Mother!

So, I've gotten some STRANGE stuff from Mother for various occasions. The most memorable being when she decided to give me a phallicized Cheet-Oh or the time she sent me a pre-scratched losing scratch ticket. Oh yeah, and once she sent me a few expired condoms.

I know she was probably meaning well in her insane little world, but they made absolutely no sense.

So I decided to get her back this time.

It's her birthday, and I went and had a little fun. So much fun that I made Sis record Mother opening her package just so I could see the reaction. Needless to say, I almost wet myself from laughter!

Needless to say, do NOT watch the video below if you are faint of heart, under the age of 18, or if anyone under the age of 18 is in the room with you. Also, there's some swearing because that's what Mother does, so if that offends you also, please do not press play.

I find it most funny that she doesn't quite know what lube is....